What would you say? I was stumped!

It’s no better being financially dependent on some bloke than being financially dependent on the state imo.

It's no better to get random strangers who may be worse off than you to pay your bills than a partner who is happy to support you financially while you (probably) run the house for them and make their lives less stressful?

I think maybe it is 🤔

You have absolute no idea how hard fertility treatment can be.

I had to give up work during fertility treatment. I was having to go for bloods before work, then wait for a phone call in the afternoon calling me back for second bloods. Use the excuse of a late lunch, run or cab it to the clinic and meanwhile make up excuses for being back late, or, on one memorable occasion, take ONE morning off while I miscarried. This was working in finance , where time off was hard. It became untenable. In the end, it was my DH who told me to sack off work.

I would find it an odd thing to say but it puts quite a sad image in my mind of her spending every day nesting and buying things and decorating the nursery for a baby she really wants.

Orrr she’s at home with her legs akimbo turkey basting every hour. Obviously you couldn’t do that in an office 😂

I know someone whose now wife gave up work a couple of months before they got married, and hasn't returned to work 8 years later. They do bow have children, but she didn't give up for TTC purposes. She said that she was a housewife now and would not work. She was early 30s at the time, and seemed to think it was horrific that I was working as a wife and mother.

Working class women in the 1950s did work and most housewives had caring responsibilities. Also employers discriminated against married women making employment harder. But I maintain that being economically inactive without actually working (volunteering and caring IS working) is lazy. I’m talking the sort of life where you do your hobbies and go to lunch, not one where you’re rushed off your feet looking after kids. It’s no better being financially dependent on some bloke than being financially dependent on the state imo.

Really none of your business to be so judgey & post on an open sm site.

I would assume that she is undergoing fertility treatment. I know some women give up work while trying, usually after several failed rounds of IVF, including miscarriages. I believe stress can impact on the chance of successful IVF. So I would assume that, and would be compassionate and not ask further questions unless he volunteers information.

Btw, I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking what someone’s partner does for a living. It’s completely standard small talk.

If he didn't want to answer he could have said 'no they don't have eggs at her work' and moved on.
I would assume fertility treatment though and just have said 'lovely' 'great' 'well no eggs at home' and moved on.
It is wild she doesn't like eggs that much though.

That’s what I said.

Really? Most MNers seem very unfriendly to their colleagues.
I know the names and occupation of all my colleagues spouses, their children, their hobbies, their children's hobbies...
OP, you asked a very normal question, and it was an odd and awkward answer.

The lack of empathy comment wasn't for asking where his wife worked; it was for being apparently so utterly unable to conceive of any reasons why when she received the mind-blowing 🙄response that the wife had dared take a decision that might not have been a conventional norm - so much so she knew not what to say, 😱 and even had to start a thread on here to be able to think why someone might take another path. Given the answer was "preparing for a baby", I should have thought even a mild awareness of the fertility struggles some face might have furnished a few ideas. To not be able to think of it, or not care if the thought did cross her mind, is a bit lacking in an ability to understand what someone else might be going through.

Or, Heaven forfend, the colleague and his wife might have made different life choices for their marriage. It's a bit tedious to police that.

I am not sure the question itself was too odd in fairness, though I think people are picking up on a feeling that the op might be rather overly-interested in his wife. I mean there's not JUST the question being asked, but the surprising inability to process the answer and the need to start a thread on it. It has a whiff of mentionitis - and I did giggle at @SpidersAreShitheads 's use of the word "crowbarring!"

I totally agree with @PenelopeSkye.

There are so many reasons this lady may not work and some are reasons to be empathetic and not judgmental, and the balance are largely a case of MYOB.

ETA it seems to be either a case of morbid curiosity about this particular wife, a total inability to see things from a different perspective, or just a plain old goady thread about women who exercise a decision not to work because that works for their family circumstances.

Rubbish! I wasn’t in paid work for 15 years and I wasn’t lazy! I find going out to work (as I do now) much easier than taking care of all the housework, home admin, volunteering at the church, taking care of the children, helping neighbours etc.

I’m certain mental health and wellbeing in this country would be better if every household had someone staying home full time.

No one talks of lazy 1950s housewives - there’s s full time job to be done at home that people cram into their evening and weekends to create a life of near constant drudgery.

We’re pretty close to DH giving up work on his 40s as having a housekeeper of sorts is more meaningful to us than his salary. I can guarantee he’s not lazy, he’s worked full time since being 16, and already has a long list of projects he’ll start as soon as he resigns.

Don’t think there was anything wrong to ask the questions you did. But I also don’t think speculating why his wife doesn’t work with co-workers is a good idea. The implication from your post is you are all thinking it’s a bit odd and are being a little judgmental. It’s a new colleague, there are loads of reasons why she might not be working that he wouldn’t want to disclose to someone he barely knows.

Still no. In fact, there are a lot of non-paid ways to not be lazy.

Because there’s no evidence of sloth in the thread?

She's just a stay at home wife and they plan to have kids. She doesn't work because they can afford not to. He probably said it that way cos people can be judgey when women don't work. Probably wasn't prepared for the question since the jump from her not liking eggs to where does she work is a bit weird.

Of course he can't make eggs....only birds are able to!

I would imagine fertility treatment. Some of the medication one of my staff members had to take made her so poorly. We supported her with wfh etc but she still needed some full days as sick

Its totally normal in small talk to ask about what a spouse does. I know what most of rhe spouses of my colleagues do. They know what mine does. I also know how many children they have etc. That's normal workplace small talk, not hugely personal!

I agree that that’s “normal small talk”, but it tends to come out over time. Over numerous conversations. And it’s usually information that would be offered rather than something one would ask directly. It’s a pretty strange question to ask explicitly of someone you don’t know that well.

Honestly I dont understand the responses on here.

Its totally normal in small talk to ask about what a spouse does. I know what most of rhe spouses of my colleagues do. They know what mine does. I also know how many children they have etc. That's normal workplace small talk, not hugely personal!

I agree with those saying he just made a slightly clumsy response in the moment. He probably should have just not mentioned baby as shes not pregnant yet, but never mind. These things come out of your mouth when they're on your mind.

There are so many reasons why she might not be working. Caring responsibilities. If he's just started this job perhaps they've just moved and shes not found something she wanted to do here and doesnt need to do something just for money (and no, I don't think that's lazy - since when did paid work become a noble thing!!!). Perhaps they've moved into a fixer-upper and it needs major renovations to be the family home they have planned and she's doing this. Maybe she's really involved in the community and is doing some volunteering. Perhaps there's a medical reason, relating to ttc or otherwise. Maybe shes applying for things and is living off her savings holding out for something she really wants.

Why is it so hard for some people to accept that not everyone has a regular job at all times of their life? As long as they as a family can support themselves and are content I really dont see why its a big deal.

OP, in the moment I think I would have been a bit surprised but stuck with a bland "oh how lovely" and then changed the subject (probably a bit clumsily!)

Depends. If you’re ill or you have caring responsibilities then no it’s not lazy. If you’re not ill or don’t have caring responsibilities, I am afraid it kind of is. Unless of course you’re volunteering (but I would class that as work)

Why? It’s lazy not to work, especially when you have no caring responsibilities. Most people would like to sit on their butt at home while someone else finances them. It’s no more admirable than someone expecting the state to finance them. To give up work young also means that if your marriage breaks down (and there’s over a 40% chance it will) you become a burden on the state as you will struggle to re-enter the work force.

Imagine if a guy gave up work to keep his sperm in tip top condition and expected his wife to keep him in the meantime.

I work with people from a different culture and 5 minutes after they meet you they think its fine to ask all sorts of personal questions! Where does your wife work seems a normal one though perhaps not in relationship to eggs.

The new coworker should really have rehearsed what he was gonna say about his partner. It’s possible partner works in some sort of undercover capacity or abroad or as a relatives Carer & so doesn’t want info to be broadcast?