To want the pointless exchange of presents to stop

Sorry, so you were annoyed that your SIL thought it was a good idea? You expected her to spend out on the kids, but that she would never receive anything as she didn’t have any children? That’s a bit grabby don’t you think?

This is (slightly!) lighthearted, but the one nugget from an episode of SATC which stuck in my mind, as a single person, is the single person tax. All that money you spend, over the years:

Outfits, shoes, accommodation, presents - both for hen do’s and weddings

Birthday presents for kids of friends

Christmas presents for kids of friends

Christening gifts

I have definitely forked out more than I’ve “received”. And it’s not about clawing it back, I don’t give to receive. Hence it being a huge help that small family is now sensible re Xmas gifts - we don’t do them and save our money for a nice meal or experience when we’re able to meet up.

this is the Martin Lewis video - hope it loads!

Its true. What you say is true. And in that moment im the same. Then I feel bad and end up buying gifts for them all. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Feeling bad about not getting them anything so you end up buying them stuff to.

Nope, if I've told them I'm not buying then I'm not buying.

I can't control others, I can only control myself.

The whole essence of what I said is that if someone actually knew you and was being thoughtful about gifting then they wouldn't be buying you toiletries or perfume, which you clearly don't value.

Perhaps they would do something nice for you instead or give you something thoughtful at another time of year.

It is meant to be about knowing and valuing people you care about.

We do this. Everyone gets one present which they are delighted with and less shopping for everyone. Grandkids get presents, of course. My adult dd asked us to introduce this and we are all on board. As inlaws have come along the circle has widened but no complaints from anyone

This, I was the instigator for my family. We buy for my mum and for my kid. That´s it.

Well, I used to buy Christmas gifts for my mum, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, his wife, my sister, her husband, my other sister and her partner. So a £150 Secret Santa is much cheaper than what I was spending every year.

And no one buys £150 worth of shit. Everyone compiles a “gift list” so they can give ideas on what they would like - Jo Malone products, skincare, golf shoes, nice wine, Champagne etc.

Oh it's 100% for the benefit of MIL - I'm sure it's an addiction. Nope, they never ask. I always push him to TELL them what he wants (or needs, since he never spends money on himself) but he's worried about rocking the boat. It's easily £250 worth of absolute rubbish. They could get him a whole new wardrobe for that!

Exactly! Often on here people say they've "tried" not buying, as in they suggest it but others don't agree, so they just keep resentfully buying for everyone. Or they all agree not to buy then someone turns up with presents anyway, and then the OP has to rush out and get some emergency chocolates.

It's very easy to not buy for adults! Just tell them, from early on in the year "I am not buying presents this year." If they moan, tough luck, they can still buy for each other. If they agree but then turn up anyway with a gift, say "Oh....I thought we weren't buying for each other. I haven't got you anything, as we agreed."

Either they'll realise you mean what you say, and won't do it next year, or they are happy to keep giving without any expectation of reciprocation, in which case that's up to them. Nobody can "make" you exchange presents if you don't want to!

Just opt out. Send the message now. If she of expensive tastes says she's already bought tough.
Believe me you'll feel better. Just say you have too much stuff.

My Ddad is 91 and my DM is 10’years deceased this week. Almost 30 yrs ago they said…no more gifts for us we have what we need. My Dsis and Dbro and I said…same for us gifting each other. I realize now how very progressive they were in their thinking and how unselfish they have always been. 2 people who lived a modest but very family focused life.
We cook and eat fantastic food enjoy a drink or cocktail and I always host and decorate and make it visually beautiful….trees tabletop etc. and so very much enjoy it.
I gift my 2 dc and my nephew (who spends the holiday with me) the youngest of whom is 24. My DH and I stopped exchanging last year and he probably doesn’t love it but 🤷🏼‍♀️.

For the first time ever, my extended family is doing a Secret Santa for adults. It has made the run up to Christmas less of a chore, for sure.

We stopped swapping gifts between adults for Christmas years ago. Haven't looked back. No worry about trying to find something everyone will like, no having to pretend you love the socks. Focus on the excitement for the kids.

I'm so glad this isn't just me!

In my case it's friends rather than family. I have a small group of friends and we all buy each other Christmas and birthday presents and it drives me mad! I just want it to stop. PLEASE!

One of them is so difficult to buy for as she doesn't wear make-up or perfume, or put any smelly things in her bath and to make things worse, she has expensive taste and always spends a lot on the rest of us. I feel so bad when I give her my presents but it doesn't stop her as she clearly gets pleasure from it but trying to even think what to get her causes me no end of stress that I'd much rather do without.

I don't even get a Christmas present for DH and neither does he for me because we don't want anything.

I’m with you OP. And it becomes so bloody expensive. I won’t go into debt for Christmas and I won’t buy Temu Tat for anyone.

YANBU. I've finally got my family to agree to no more presents for adults, and I can't tell you how relieved I am.

It's pointless when we can all buy anything that we actually want, and as nice as the gifts I get usually are, I don't need them, and it's a pain trying to clear space for them, especially because my family tend to go overboard.

We're just going to chip in more for really nice food and drink instead of presents this year, and I think that will be much more enjoyable.

I knocked it on the head years ago. My family and friends go out for dinners after Christmas. I buy my DA some chocolates and flowers as well. I might buy my best friend something small she can use.

I buy small things for my DC and then money for them to do something with like a festival or a weekend break.

One of my friends from a very large family do secret Santa.

The years of stress of buying things I went through.

Yes! We have moved to a secret Santa but everyone just asks what the other person wants and orders it. So pointless!

My whole family is together this Christmas for once and we are doing secret santa. One present for £40 job done.

We tried that with the in laws and failed. We suggested just buying for the kids, but SIL had a right strop and said she didn’t think it was fair because she has no children, whereas we were having the joy of receiving presents via our children. Eh? Anyway, she kept buying for us until we relented and reciprocated. The rest of the family backed her up and kept buying for us too. They just weren’t as outraged as her and might have considered stopping if she hadn’t kicked up such a fuss. We stopped with my brother a few years ago, as we were both buying for each other’s children and I thought it was enough. He was not happy, but went along with it. Some of the shite he bought me over the years. It was really weird and niche as opposed to the usual endless toiletries, so at least he gave it some thought, but none of it was anything that suggested he has known me his whole life🤣

We stopped doing buying for adults. I found it so pointless. It felt like spending money just for the sake of it. The worst of it was in return the extended family bought me generic bubble bath etc that I was allergic to. In the end we told them we were stopping buying for adults and never have since.
They can’t make you join in with the adult gift giving circus.

this 🙂

Going against the grain here ...but it think it's lovely to exchange gifts. I love getting someone a gift they are going to like. We are a very small family , so can appreciate in large families it might be more difficult. But I love exchanging gifts , at Christmas. The only time anyone really gets gift, apart from a birthday. So ... sorry to say ... I adore gift giving!!!