What does the baby want for Christmas? Can you just order that for me?

YANBU. Mine was the same , nothing changed for 17 years now. They never purchased anything themselves for kids. Never looked after then eirhro. Now in their older years with their friends gone they want to see us all the time. I have a long memory....

Just say no, problem solved.

this winds me up too!
I have a very busy job and two young kids with no family nearby for help. Then at Xmas and birthdays I hear from lovely relatives who are not working so have plenty of time on their hands asking me to decide what they should buy the kids, then order it, then wrap it. It’s just more mental load I could do without. And it feels very transactional and lacking in effort.

You sent her a list of 36 items?! I’m well
versed in tech and nowhere near her age and would not bother choosing. You sound controlling tbh. Her husband helped her scan a qr code so what? Plenty of people need help with that. I’d help and not blink.
Its a gtoup chat. Why don’t you leave your dh tp buy the puppets she’s chosen and she’ll
give him the money like she said? If you don’t want to be hit by the money, how about your sh waits for the money before buying it.
It would take 5mins to buy of Amazon, if that.
You sound jealous of their relationship tbh. If you
(ever) have a boy, think if you would be happy with your DiL begrudging your son helping you with scanning a qr code. For goodness sake.

You say yourself you are very time poor. I think you are feeling a bit over-extended and you might be feeling short tempered. This isn’t going to be solved just by MIL buying the Christmas present, you need to look at ways of simplifying your life and getting some breathing space.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - this used to drive me nuts when ours were little, too! Sometimes I'd even get sent money in November with the attitude of 'it'd just be better if you did it'.

Yeah, sure, I'll add that to my already massive list of Christmas prep; along with running the house, raising the kids & working - while you go for coffee with your mates & mooch about garden centres etc to fill your early retirement days!!

Having said that, I've also lost count of the number of times I've sent a list, they've said what they'll get from the list, so I DON'T buy that particular gift & then......they go completely rogue & buy some shite the kids didn't want! 🤬🤨

My parents and in laws are exactly the same. Unless it can be ordered from Amazon, my DM refuses to buy it. So O now have to order both DDs, my own and DHs presents from my DM (on top of the ones I buy). It’s a pain in the backside

My mother does this when I’m absolutely at my limit and then claims all credit. I hate it.

I have very low confidence in my ability to choose presents for my own DC let alone nieces/nephews and future grandchildren. Fortunately DH is much better at it and does the vast majority of buying and coordinating lists with SIL and PIL/parents.

I'm happy to order anything I'm directed to and wrap it and post it but I've also ordered on behalf of my parents before because they worry about doing Amazon wrong or getting scammed and it's a 2 minute job for me. I don't see it as any imposition and just means they are happier knowing they've got the right thing.

All seems perfectly sensible and normal and the least stress all round to me.

Would the baby like a cashmere scarf? Adult sized onviously, as he wouldn't want to grow out of it.

I think my baby would, though perhaps he'd prefer a spa voucher.

My MIL does this to me every Christmas and birthday, it annoys the hell out of me. I now send them all to her house though! When I first did this she called me upset that the gifts had arrived there. I told her “I’ve enough gifts to wrap, I don’t have time to wrap yours as well”.

Pass job onto her son ..

I wish this was true. It’s not, they just want to put zero effort in.
This is how I grew up, giving ideas or interests but not specific items. I tried this approach for many years at first.
ILS: Can you think of something we can get dd for Christmas?
Me: yes she’d love a book, some paint, colouring books or some Lego. Or she needs a new jumper if you’d rather get that? She’s going into size 4-5.
ILS: Buy that from us then and we’ll transfer the money

Just forget. Do the thumbs up in the group chat and then just forget. That goes for everyone complaining that they have to take on yet another job that adds to their mental load. You are already just as busy, if not more, than the person asking you to do the job. So just forget. These people are absolutely capable of doing it themselves. They just don’t want the bother, so why do they think you do?

Different times? Amazon has existed for 30 years and MIL is over 60!
I assume MIL can order things online generally? Even if she couldn’t, she presumably has a local shop that sells baby toys (every Tesco, Sainsbury, Aldi etc now sells baby toys). It’s lazyness

ILS do this and it drives me mad. I do understand that they want to make sure they get it right but it does feel like they can’t be bothered to put any thought or effort into it.
They are also obsessed with it being “fair” so have a strict budget per child, one year I got something that was £2 over for one child and wasn’t allowed to give it from them as they’d have more than the other children (I wasn’t expecting ils to pay the extra £2, but the dc do not keep score of who has had what spent on them). Often the presents are under budget and they insist I buy more to make it up. They used to demand receipts but I refused as I’m often buying lots for different people at the same time and that’s none of their business.

A few weeks ago FIL told us we had started Christmas shopping too early. Well maybe I wouldn’t start so early if I didn’t have to do all your shopping for you too! Easy to just pop out mid December if you’re just buying one present for your wife.

Then a couple of years ago they got the hump as I was very unwell and so did not spend time sourcing thoughtful gifts for them and dh ended up doing a bank transfer to them. But it’s ok for them to do that for us?

My MIL was the same, my DM is the same. It’s lazyness and lack of care. Most grandparents would love to chose a nice present for grandchild and wrap it.
My DM texted me and said “I will send you money for your birthday so you can buy yourself something.”
I didn’t ask for that, I don’t want money for my birthday, I don’t have time to browse the shops, I don’t enjoy buying my own stuff. I would have liked one present that the chooses for me even a book. She has known me long enough.

of course she also transfers the money to an account I have back in my home country, so I can’t even access it in the UK (I use that account when I am there as it’s in the local currency).

OP you are right, push back and tell her to get him a present herself.

Say to her what I say to the children at school when they ask me to do their coat / laces etc up.

”Let me see you try first.”

I don’t see how you can take this in any other way than she can’t be arsed to buy, wrap and deliver a gift to her grandchild. Now you know.

I wouldn’t bother organising a gift from her and I wouldn’t get involved with any more coversations about it. If she does eventually ask what she bought him, I would just say it got overlooked what with all the stuff you need to do. And I would add that she shouldn’t worry because plenty of other people got him gifts.

Yep, this is EXACTLY my MIL.
Got a pile of presents sat in our bedroom that she refused to take on with her last week as 'well you can just wrap them can't you?'

I tried the alternative of just leaving her to it earlier this year for my daughters birthday as I'd had enough. My 3 year old crafting obsessed daughter was presented with a scalpel, spare blades and a cutting mat. I'm not even joking. At least I know if I sort it the gift won't be dangerous 😳🙄

Well it’s very lazy isn’t it.

This needs to be passed on to dh pp, the wrapping and mental load. All of it from his side of the family. Do not take this on. Have nothing to do with it. Direct all of dh’s family to dh. Once you start doing it all, you will be doing it all forever. So start as you mean to go on to avoid resentment and rows down the line. The ‘magic of Christmas’ wears thin when you are doing it all.

It’s so depressing how the responsibility for every single present - from everyone to everyone - falls on the mum’s shoulders. For years and years I knew what every single present was, under the tree.

However… Be glad that she’s happy to let you have what you want and pay for it. You hear of relatives buying huge/dreadul tat - ugly, unplayed-with eyesores that fill every inch of your house.

She’s happy to pay for something you want for your kids. Honestly, quit while you’re ahead.

Re cash - I’ve recently discovered that I can park right outside a post office, run in and pay it in with my bank card. I don’t know if you’ve got a handy P Off?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
If you ask for something from Amazon and she doesn’t have an account then it is easy for you to order it.
Don't forget your mil grew up in different times. She will be great at many things young people totally fail at.
Also key your dh deal with all this, stop taking the present sitting on. Dh buys gifts for his side if the family, he wouldn’t dream of lumbering me with it all.
Be grateful your mil and fil want to buy something your child actually would appreciate rather than done useless tat.
I do understand if would be better for them to get the gift and wrap it. The way to avoid getting stressed is again, let your dh deal with all this.

You are both unreasonable for me. (her more so)

I really hate Wishlists and product-specific lists. I understand that you said she can buy alternatives or similar things, but in reality, if you give people an exact product, they want to buy that exact product.

I just don't get the point? What is the point in asking someone to order on Amazon a specific project for you? Does it show they care? Not really, it is so minimal in effort. Clicking of a couple of buttons, that it feels just like a robotic process. The only part that then shows any effort is the wrapping.

At least previously, specific gifts required driving to a shop and finding - there was still "effort" put in.

my assertion would be that when you remove so much of the care from the process, and make it so robotic and automated, then unreasonable, but somewhat logical people (like your MIL) will question why they are bothering. Why do the few clicks, when it is easier and quicker for you to do. I can transfer you the cash, you can buy it, no hassle with delivery or problems, and you get what you want. If it all becomes about efficiently getting what you want, why not?

Go away from product-specific wish-lists and then see what happens. What I've found is that for some it is too much effort, they don't want to think about a good idea or care about it, they just want to be told. Great - those people don't need to buy you presents any more, because they didn't really want to anyway, they were just doing it out of obligation.

What you will have left is the people who genuinely care enough to want to think of something amazing to get you off their own initiative, and go and get it. Those (few) people are the ones you should really want to receive gifts from, because they are the ones who actually represent what a gift should be: A manifestation of care, not a requirement/obligation.