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AIBU?

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Original poster

What does the baby want for Christmas? Can you just order that for me?

157 replies

soddingpuppets · 26/11/2025 20:00

I’m probably being ungrateful and sleep deprivation making me less patient than usual but the following exchange from MIL has left me really grumpy.

MIL: can you let me know what DS wants for Christmas

Me: no worries, here’s the Amazon list we have for him. Hopefully there’s something you like the look of for him there, if not let me know and I’ll rethink

MIL: the puppets look good. I don’t do Amazon so can you order for me?

Me: they don’t need to be from Amazon. It doesn’t even need to be that exact set. He loves all the different puppets at sensory

MIL: it’s easier if you order it. It’s probably easier if you order it to your house as well. I can give DH the money when I see him in two weeks

Of course it’s easier for you. I’ve thought of a selection of gifts, ordered it myself, added the Amazon box to my December cardboard deluge, wrapped it, and then we also have to deal with the cash (doesn’t do online banking either) so we’ll feel the financial hit of the gift as well because our lives are entirely cashless.

And before people say, yes I do have slightly tense relationship with her. She’s in her mid sixties so not in her dotage, but acts helpless and expects DH to do everything for her (example from last week was being unable to scan a QR code and being unwilling to learn) so this builds on an existing frustration. She can do her Ocado shop online and order all sorts from a variety of random websites, but can’t do an Amazon order which would make our life easier.

So AIBU to be annoyed that she can’t find some finger puppets (or blocks or books or a shape sorter which were also on the list or something not from the list at all) from literally any shop or any website herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
soddingpuppets · 27/11/2025 08:21

SaySomethingMan · 27/11/2025 07:06

You sent her a list of 36 items?! I’m well
versed in tech and nowhere near her age and would not bother choosing. You sound controlling tbh. Her husband helped her scan a qr code so what? Plenty of people need help with that. I’d help and not blink.
Its a gtoup chat. Why don’t you leave your dh tp buy the puppets she’s chosen and she’ll
give him the money like she said? If you don’t want to be hit by the money, how about your sh waits for the money before buying it.
It would take 5mins to buy of Amazon, if that.
You sound jealous of their relationship tbh. If you
(ever) have a boy, think if you would be happy with your DiL begrudging your son helping you with scanning a qr code. For goodness sake.

Show quote history

There are so many items on this list because I thought people might want to have a lot of choice and me have a big family. so it means it’s easy for me to buy things that he doesn’t get for Christmas or his birthday. I’m one of three, DH is one of four, there my parents, his mum, his dad and step mum so potentially a lot of people the list could be going to. There’s no expectation that anyone would buy everything on the list, and they’re mostly cheap items like books and small toys. It’s not like I’ve forward on my Harrods wish list with a minimum cost of £50.

DS is a boy and of course I hope he’s close to me when he’s older, but I also want to retain my independence and not give him a continuous list of things that he needs to do for me which I’m perfectly capable of but have no desire to learn because he can do if for me. It’s hard to explain but the help is a general pattern thing. With the QR code she asked DH to scan if for her, DH said ‘I’ll show you how to do it’ and she said ‘no that’s fine you can just do it for me’. Is DH meant to scan every QR code she might need for the next 20+ years? And that attitude is with everything. Can’t use our kettle because it has a button not a lever. Doesn’t remember her passwords because DH knows. Won’t learn how to switch the subtitles on and off on the TV. It’s a pattern of becoming dependent on us at a point in her life where my colleagues her age have adapted to home working, using Teams and SharePoint. Whole new systems brought in place by our customers. If she was 93 I’d understand but she’s only 63.

OP posts:
Publess · 27/11/2025 08:19

YANBU at all.

It's the thought that counts, and she isn't putting in any thought or effort at all. In fact she's adding to yours, at a time when you're overstretched and she has plenty of free time!

My DM and DMIL used to do this all the time. In one particularly bad year, DM decided that she wanted to get them skateboards. Not something they'd ever expressed an interest in, but hey, I was just grateful she'd had an idea for once. Then it turned out that she had no intention of actually shopping for skateboards herself. She wanted me to research them and shop for them, plus any safety equipment to go with them. I said no, she could do that, I didn't have time. She said, "But I don't know anything about skateboards." Well, nor do I, Mum, and you're the one who wants to give them to the kids! Eventually, to my amazement, she did actually buy some skateboards and give them to the kids (I think her friend helped her).

The kids used them once and didn't like them, but I never told DM that; I'm not that mean. I said they liked them. But after that DM just sent them cheques. The effort of actually buying presents once was just too much for her.

Frynye · 27/11/2025 08:13

I get it. My in-laws and my parents have done this many times. They don’t even ask now they just send some money in November. I mean it’s nice and generous but it’s just an extra job for me.

Cucy · 27/11/2025 08:12

VenusClapTrap · 27/11/2025 08:06

I have teenagers, so many years of this. On Sunday I had three requests for ideas come in, in quick succession. My dc have been particularly hard work recently, and I found myself quite truthfully saying “You know, I’ve no idea what they want. Everything I do is wrong as far as they’re concerned, so I’m the last person you should ask.”

So if you don’t know, how is someone who doesn’t live with them meant to know?

I don’t understand this thread at all.

Posters are annoyed when they’re asked what their kids want, they’re annoyed if they get given money to buy something you know they’d want and people are annoyed if they buy something that they don’t want.

It sounds like gift givers literally can’t do anything right.

2chocolateoranges · 27/11/2025 08:12

We used to buy mils gift for our children too, wrap it and give it to her and she would give us the money, we did it every year!

Fends · 27/11/2025 08:10

boniobiscuit · 27/11/2025 07:56

As a MIL, sometimes it feels as if I can’t do right for doing wrong. DIL is snipey if we buy something that isn’t on ‘ the list’.

Perhaps she’s worried that if she buys something similar, that’s not from Amazon, it won’t be quite right?

Just get it for her, roll your eyes, move on and don’t let it steal the joy of Christmas.

I don’t snipe but bloody sick of MIL foisting random tat on us that we’ve clearly told her the kids don’t like and won’t use. And that’s with me being happy to order stuff for her!

Cucy · 27/11/2025 08:08

I think YABU sorry.

Just because you know what they are, doesn’t mean MIL would have a clue.

My nephew wants something and I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about and when I tried googling it loads of different ones came up.

I’d rather get someone what they actually want so I say tell me the exact one you want and I’ll get it.

I think you’re probably finding fault when there’s no fault in this scenario.
She’s genuinely trying to do the right thing.

Fends · 27/11/2025 08:08

ItsameLuigi · 26/11/2025 21:25

I'm shocked I didn't realise it was older than me! I was born in 97 so I grew up with like blockbuster but I had no idea about Amazon!

Show quote history

You grew up with blockbuster being born in 97? So, about 2003 before you’d actually remember anything?

I was an adult by then and pretty sure we were onto more modern ways, blockbuster was already a relic to me

VenusClapTrap · 27/11/2025 08:06

I have teenagers, so many years of this. On Sunday I had three requests for ideas come in, in quick succession. My dc have been particularly hard work recently, and I found myself quite truthfully saying “You know, I’ve no idea what they want. Everything I do is wrong as far as they’re concerned, so I’m the last person you should ask.”

EveryDayisFriday · 27/11/2025 08:06

Lol cross post @boniobiscuit

It's my Mum that has form for this, years of off the mark gifts. I hate wasted money. My MIL is a dream.

EveryDayisFriday · 27/11/2025 08:03

YANBU adding to your workload is shit.

But what's worse is them saying they are going to get 1 specific thing the DC wants so you don't get it and they get something else that the DC definitely doesn't want so it is a complete waste of money and time. That grinds my gears so in your scenario at least I know the DC is getting the gift they want.

boniobiscuit · 27/11/2025 07:56

As a MIL, sometimes it feels as if I can’t do right for doing wrong. DIL is snipey if we buy something that isn’t on ‘ the list’.

Perhaps she’s worried that if she buys something similar, that’s not from Amazon, it won’t be quite right?

Just get it for her, roll your eyes, move on and don’t let it steal the joy of Christmas.

Original poster
soddingpuppets · 27/11/2025 07:53

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 27/11/2025 06:05

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
If you ask for something from Amazon and she doesn’t have an account then it is easy for you to order it.
Don't forget your mil grew up in different times. She will be great at many things young people totally fail at.
Also key your dh deal with all this, stop taking the present sitting on. Dh buys gifts for his side if the family, he wouldn’t dream of lumbering me with it all.
Be grateful your mil and fil want to buy something your child actually would appreciate rather than done useless tat.
I do understand if would be better for them to get the gift and wrap it. The way to avoid getting stressed is again, let your dh deal with all this.

She’s in her mid sixties, not mid nineties! I have many colleagues the same age who have had to adapt to dozens of different workplace systems and apps over the years and they all managed fine. Online shopping has been around for decades and she is happy doing it. I assumed she used Amazon because she buys online from a multitude of other websites. She has a computer, a tablet and an iPhone so she’s computer literate. It’s not like she only used to phoning up a catalogue.

The thing is i know its easy for me to order it, but the fact is that if something is easy for me, its easy for everyone else, and she makes a lot of requests especially for DH which are ‘easy’ requests but add up into this veneer of helplessness. Just scan this QR code, I don’t know how to change the Internet password on my phone, can you make me a cup of tea I don’t how to use your kettle. It’s just constant things that we’re expected to do which she’s perfectly capable of doing and learning but doesn’t. It would also be easy for her to order it from Amazon - less easy because she’d need to set up an account and fill in her card details but still easy. It bugs me because we’re the busy and time poor ones and sorting out someone else’s Christmas presents isn’t something I wanted to add to our list.

OP posts:
Whoevenarethey · 27/11/2025 07:51

I wouldn't be fussed about this. If I already had a wishlist on Amazon it's easy enough to just order the item and get it. I think it's harder now to go to a physical shop and buy things (no Mothercare or ELC) and supermarkets near me often only have a limited range (hence the reason we all now shop online). My in-laws don't have Amazon so my husband always has to order anything they want from there (including things they have looked up throughout the year and discovered cheaper) but I leave him to that. I would like to think my own parents more capable but I know when it comes to Amazon my mum just asks my brother.

Ordering online is pretty simple though so I don't see why you would be bothered about that side of things especially when you have the items already picked out. It's also better than having your in laws turn up with cheap things they have found second hand tat they have cleared out from husband's own childhood and you then have to dispose of this as it is mouldy, broken or has parts missing.

Socktree · 27/11/2025 07:45

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 27/11/2025 07:31

This attitude - rampant on MN - drives me mad. No wonder there are so many estranged in laws when they’re not even supposed to talk to each other about the most everyday things.

Show quote history

If it was standard practice for both the MIL and mother to contact the DH or DW without preference, to get them to do their emotional or physical labour, this attitude wouldn't exist

But the concept of wife work is alive and kicking and the only way to squash it is to push back against it.

Mix56 · 27/11/2025 07:42

I’d stop this now. Tell her you aren’t doing all the work, tinkly laugh..,,,
My mum never bought presents for mine. She did for my brothers ! This may be a lesser evil

OSTMusTisNT · 27/11/2025 07:39

Make this the last time, next time ask for cash for their bank account.

Hairylegs202S · 27/11/2025 07:32

Deleted as duplicate text

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 27/11/2025 07:31

Socktree · 26/11/2025 20:07

It's unreasonable that your DH's mother is contacting you for this instead of her son. And it's unreasonable of you to take on her present buying request. Pass that onto your DH to sort out however he chooses

This attitude - rampant on MN - drives me mad. No wonder there are so many estranged in laws when they’re not even supposed to talk to each other about the most everyday things.

dippy567 · 27/11/2025 07:29

Would piss me off too...I'm sure you've got enough to do. Babies aren't like teenagers, pretty easy to get baby a toy or clothing...

aloris · 27/11/2025 07:28

WonderingWanda · 27/11/2025 05:57

It's a bit annoying but just return the favour.

"OK mil, that probably does make things easier.....why don't you keep the cash and use it to buy what you want from us for Christmas....that will be easier for me too"

This is perfect

Hollieandtheivie · 27/11/2025 07:16

Haven't rtft sorry, but what I do with my mil is get her to pay me back by cheque, then deposit that in my banking app via my phone. Then I pay it straight off my credit card. Not what you were asking, but one less hassle.

footballmum · 27/11/2025 07:15

WonderingWanda · 27/11/2025 05:57

It's a bit annoying but just return the favour.

"OK mil, that probably does make things easier.....why don't you keep the cash and use it to buy what you want from us for Christmas....that will be easier for me too"

Ooh I like it. Evil genius! 😈

Shayisgreat · 27/11/2025 07:15

My MIL does this as well but my H deals with it. I think it's crazy and totally takes away from the purpose of gift giving and the gift giver having to do any thinking for themselves. But it helps me understand why my H is so shit at gift giving as well.

OP, Leave your H to respond to messages regarding presents in the future so this doesn't become your twice annual task (birthdays and Christmas)

Original poster
soddingpuppets · 27/11/2025 07:09

lxn889121 · 27/11/2025 06:02

You are both unreasonable for me. (her more so)

I really hate Wishlists and product-specific lists. I understand that you said she can buy alternatives or similar things, but in reality, if you give people an exact product, they want to buy that exact product.

I just don't get the point? What is the point in asking someone to order on Amazon a specific project for you? Does it show they care? Not really, it is so minimal in effort. Clicking of a couple of buttons, that it feels just like a robotic process. The only part that then shows any effort is the wrapping.

At least previously, specific gifts required driving to a shop and finding - there was still "effort" put in.

my assertion would be that when you remove so much of the care from the process, and make it so robotic and automated, then unreasonable, but somewhat logical people (like your MIL) will question why they are bothering. Why do the few clicks, when it is easier and quicker for you to do. I can transfer you the cash, you can buy it, no hassle with delivery or problems, and you get what you want. If it all becomes about efficiently getting what you want, why not?

Go away from product-specific wish-lists and then see what happens. What I've found is that for some it is too much effort, they don't want to think about a good idea or care about it, they just want to be told. Great - those people don't need to buy you presents any more, because they didn't really want to anyway, they were just doing it out of obligation.

What you will have left is the people who genuinely care enough to want to think of something amazing to get you off their own initiative, and go and get it. Those (few) people are the ones you should really want to receive gifts from, because they are the ones who actually represent what a gift should be: A manifestation of care, not a requirement/obligation.

MIL asked what he wanted though. I’d have been happy for her to choose and I’ve only sent it to people who asked for it. Part of why I put so much on the list is so that people can look and find something they want to give. I didn’t send an Amazon link to one specific item. It didn’t need to be from Amazon either I just thought that was an easy place to keep the list. I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m turning Christmad into a requirement by serving a list when I’m asked for one

OP posts:
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