Counselling was a disaster-so now I should just try amd shove it all back in a box

I have a feeling EDMR will go the way of CBT over time.

I'm 100% not recommending EMDR as it is the NHS approach at the moment.
I paid privately and had it when it wasn't very well known about.
It's proven to be highly effective for PTSD and trauma and having had CBT I can attest to this.
It was amazing not having to do all that unpicking of minutae that happens with CBT. I had 4 or 5 sessions and it really was phenomenal. I didn't have to unpick loads of things with EMDR hence why I recommended to the OP.

So as a person thats done emdr for several traumatic events. I found some memories st the end of a session didnt want to buried, like a form of torture. I used to walk down a corridor, open a room, open a box and dump the memory. Then lock the box, lock the room and lock the corridor.

For the ones I couldn't.....jn my mind, the box wouldnt close and it was terrifyingly unsettling. I then had to find or imagine my rescuer. For me it was Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Laugh all you want, he is my adult crush. Anyways he would take my memory, amd walk the corridor with me, open the room and put the memory in the box and lock it.

Now thinking about it, this was 4/5yrs ago.... I don't even know what that memory was. My other memories I processed successfully, I have to really pull them and they are now hazy. Im not reliving them, its just like any other memory I have.

It sounds as if this moved far too fast. If you can face it I would consider starting again with someone more experienced

And this can be a very powerful and effective mindset for many

opening those deep dark boxes would not serve you well if you are functioning and in control of your memories

it sounds like OP did not have PTSD as she was. It having symptoms of PTSD and the counsellor has helped her open up the trauma without laying the foundation of grounding / regulating / expectations

now hopefully the counsellor will do that skill fully -

if not, the counsellor is crap and at worse risky

I would not touch most counsellors with a barge poll

skills too basic / shoddy for real trauma

Sounds like you did not have good therapy, trauma informed therapy involves a period of stablisation before trauma processing which it sounds like wasn't done in your case. And in fact it is not necessary to talk about traumatic events to process them. When you are ready perhaps consider trying again with a trauma informed therapist.

You probably do need someone more qualified. I've also had terrible experiences with counsellors, provided by NHS who then agreed I needed psychotherapy. That worked well, with just CBT but that was over a decade ago and so much has happened since. Multiple deaths, health issues caused by MH issues, medical negligence and plenty of other traumas. Trying to get therapy this time around has been a nightmare. I've stopped asking NHS as they pushed me to a newly qualified counsellor who was so young she had never dealt with someone experiencing panic attacks at the thought of leaving the house and shouted at me on the phone that if I wasn't going to come in they would be cancelling my therapy. I've tried to pay psychotherapists locally after hearing good things from friends but they are all completely choc-a-block. Like you I've stuffed it all back in a box and am waiting for the next inevitable breakdown, which means I will probably lose my job.

Try EMDR -I went to a psychologist with lots of letters after her name who does this and it helped a lot to shove some memories right out of the way.
The point of the ‘lots of letters after her name’ is that she hadn’t just been on a 2week course but years of study. That meant I had lots of faith in her.

Yes you absolutely can. The reason trauma is so painful is that your mind is re-experiencing it constantly in an effort to process it for the purpose of protecting you from that 'thing' ever happening again. Effective therapy stops that process by breaking the emotional link with the event(s) so that you are no longer affected by it. It does NOT have to be long winded or upsetting.

Counselling can be brutal and exhausting. You are dealing with all the traumatic nasties that have been shoved to the back. If you can persevere it is worthwhile. You should try frequent sessions to start with so you are not left hanging with unresolved trauma and then taper down as things become less uncomfortable. My counsellor would also park stuff to not open a can of worms that we didn't have time for and deal with it in the following session.

It can be hard to know what kind of therapy you have had - its not always clear and unless you know about modalities of treatment it is not always easy to understand.

The recommended treatment for PTSD is CBT or EMDR. In either of these, you will feel worse for a while - its like opening a cupboard you have been shoving everything into for years and for a while you are standing in the middle of the mess. You should have been told about this and prepared for it.

If you can stick with it, it does get better and help you break out of what is keeping you stuck and unhappy. But it does take a leap of faith in the process and help to cope with your distress while you are getting to the point where you feel better.

If you had any other form of therapy it may not be a good match for what you need.

I hope you feel better soon and I am sorry you are in this situation.

I've been there too @WellThatDidntWork
Good therapy takes time and yes, it can get worse before it gets better.

There's no harm in deciding to wait until you feel stronger to go again, some people do need to do this and find they can only tackle trauma a bit at a time, especially if there's a lot to unpick. It sounds like you made a great start and it was courageous to take the first steps.

Don't do yourself down because you need to step back from it for a while - and that while can be as long as you need it to be. Self care is now the order of the day

To go against the grain, I don’t think it’s necessary to delve into trauma if you’ve buried it. Therapy isn’t always the answer and if it’s going to cause more pain and trauma then I’d question whether it’s necessary. I’ve had a lot of therapy but there are some things I have no desire to get into or unpick. I’ve lived with them for decades and those things can stay hidden and not explored.

Can I strongly recommend the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk ? He is a doctor who has, for decades, been at the forefront of research into helping people heal from trauma. His book gives an overview of many very different approaches. Lots of people here are saying EMDR because that is the NHS approach at the moment, but there are other options that could help you (and don't involve having to relive everything).

I also had EMDR for PTSD and it was life changing.

Can't process trauma without re-experiencing it. Its just part of the work. It's worth the effort if you can tolerate the intensity and you have the right therapist who will stick it out with you.

It is fucking brutal.

I did therapy all through Covid. Not fun but ultimately useful. I thought of it as like chemo.

You need to go back to therapy. Stopping it suddenly is not a good idea.

I’d also recommend EMDR. It was very hard, but afterwards it felt as if the volume had been turned down on those issues. They no longer completely overwhelmed me in the way they used to.

Big hug OP. You can get through this.

I am really sorry that you had this experience. It sounds to me as though this has gone too fast for you. When we go too deep into trauma early in a therapeutic relationship, it can cause harm, as you need space to build trust in the relationship.
It’s also not true imo that anyone ‘needs’ a specific type of therapy or that you have reacted like this because of a diagnosis that incidentally they probably aren’t qualified to give. What is really important in successful therapy, is that you work with someone you connect with, who is well trained, and has had a lot of their own personal therapy.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Not all therapeutic experiences are like this, I promise. If you can go back or find someone else, it can be hugely helpful. I say that as a client and as a therapist.

i have been where you are, I made the decision to go to therapy for a traumatic childhood too. It was incredibly difficult talking about my past experiences but it was something that needed to happen in order for healing to take place. Like you, I would often be reeling after a session, even though I was given tools to cope. Oddly, despite it being incredibly painful I just knew it was something I had to do. For me, I knew that if I didn’t get out what was locked inside me it would impact how I was parenting my two young kids, at the time I had awful anxiety and despite my best efforts this was impacting my kids. I knew that I would never be the type of parent that I had but I was deeply wounded by my childhood and, for me to move on, these wounds had to be heard and felt in order to move on. I had a lot of somatic pain start at the same time as my therapy and I found that challenging but I was reassured that it’s part of the process. If you feel you can go back to therapy I would strongly recommend it. I would also recommend doing breathwork and reading as much as you can on the topic of traumatic childhoods (and possibly narcissistic parents). Therapy is going to be painful but so worth it.

I had EMDR for cptsd and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only way out the other side is to walk through it unfortunately. What I can tell you is that the other side is amazing and worth it.

I tried burying it many times, I had the EMDR when I finally realised that wasn't going to work.

I am sorry, it is shit to be in this situation but I would definitely try EMDR with the clinical psychologist.

Maybe you need EMDR, but quite probably you need a counsellor more experienced in trauma work. All of that should not have been opened up for you so soon.

As far as I'm concerned yes. I've buried the past, my childhood has nothing to do with the choices I've made as an adult other than to learn what not to do when it came to parenting.