To so desperately want deeper friendships

I’ll be very frank your post in itself gave me the ick. It’s a bit desperate and off putting - don’t put these people on a pedestal. Honestly work on you.

Hi OP, so I would say a) it takes time b) in reality these friends and friendships come from all walks of life and I would say the way I found these friends - not to be cliched was to find myself first through some intense therapy. I was then able to stop the fawning, the people pleasing, I was able to stand prouder in myself , I could be more authentic my natural self, and now if I’m honest I’m batting off the offers cos I can see how I am a good friend but I have limited energy, I know what I was in people and I’ve become increasingly selective.

don’t be so available, hold yourself high, work on yourself first. Then it will happen.

This is good advice. It will weed out the people like me who don't want an engineered connection. I want friends who I can have a laugh with and chat to about problems as and when, and not have to provide mentally stimulating conversation on demand to fill a gap in someone else's life when I'm knackered from chasing a toddler.

And id give some vulnerability, whatever that is. I have a sen child and talk about that early on. Some are awkward or shy away, others get close.

How old are your children? Those relationships take years to come and often come after challenges youve both faced. How is your relationship with your partner?

I could bear it no more - the vacuous nearly killed me!!! The sheer superficiality was literally nauseating.

I started a treasure hunt of deeper souls. I found them in women’s circles, mediation and any group with a conscience.

The one thing I did that was far more helpful was changing MY behaviiour. Instead of going along with the happy clapping i was honest about my feelings, experiences. Those that responded in a similar way stayed in my life, those giggly, fickle good time girls could jog on. Be more discerning with your time op. You are right to insist on authenticity and connection.

But even mum friends aren't in the same situation. They will parent differently, work different hours, have different values.

Not sure why people are treating you as if you’re mad, OP! I understand how you feel. My children are 4 and under and we moved when my eldest was 2, to an area where I knew nobody. I am naturally a sociable person and am gradually building up friendships, mainly with other mums, but I think that this takes time and is tricky when there’s always a toddler in tow. I think that hopefully some of these friendships will stick, though I know plenty will be transient or situational. My best friends all live several hours away in various directions and are either equally busy with small children, or don’t have children. It can be hard to maintain these friendships but I try and keep in touch and see them when I can, in the hope that they will weather this phase. Sending love!

No but having small kids is really intense and it's normal to want to have a connection with people at the same phase of life. It's not discounting the other friendships. It's OK to want more than two close friends, especially if they aren't nearby!

What’s wrong with your two close friends? Why are they less of a friend because they don’t have kids?

If I were you I would stop worrying about other “mum” friends and focus on the good friendships you have.

Yes you may have children in common, but for all you know that’s it!

There are some very nice women out there. With so many at work the pool of women with much time for friends is shallow.

There are also women like this out there, spiteful and envious, you are better off alone. It's fine to have periods of life with few people around, you can pick things up when life changes.

m.youtube.com/shorts/gdnqhfh0iAw

I don't think that type of friendship is for everyone.

I would class myself as someone with lots of friends - but I'm not comfortable with that level of interaction. I'm a bit more relaxed.

You have two close friendships.

I really don't understand your issue.

You seem to be trying to find an artificial reason why they are not close ( oh they don't have kids unlike me).

It makes me wonder what is really going on with you?

(I have one good friend where I swear we have managed about five actual conversations in four years between refereeing children, serving dinner, wiping bums and getting toddlers to sit on chairs.)

I'm the same as you OP - if I'm good friends with someone, I want and expect regular and quite "deep" connection. When I've posted about that on here I have had my ass handed to me!

I don't think it's you, but it may be a less common thing, combined with busy schedules and good old British reserve.

The deeper friendships I've formed as an adult have all been through hobbies and interests that don't include my children, or through work. They do take quite a while to move from friends to close friends though. I always struggled a bit with trying to form anything beyond fairly superficial friendships with other mums who I met through my children. In person we really only connected because our children were friends, rather than because we had much else in common.

I kind of get what you mean. I have loads of mum/ school gate friends who I can chat with on mat leave. All my close friends are at least an hour away and most of them don't have children (we are in our mid/late 30s). They have no conception of my day to day life (not their fault) and it's a mission to see them.
I don't really have a solution but I think this is normal when you have young kids. I'm trying to deepen my local friendships whilst also keep my old friendships going.

This.
It takes a long time to reach ‘deep’ friendship with somebody, when you meet on a casual level (ie not in an AA group or cancer support group or suchlike). Probably years.

I think that level of messaging is fine. In my experience it'll be your energy when you meet up (if there is an issue at all - there might not be!). For instance, I have one mum friend who I'll see occasionally because when we meet I find her very draining. She has a sort of frantic energy to her - lots of fast conversation, almost like she's processing out loud and not happy with gaps in conversation, she always has to fill it. She means well, but showers excessive compliments on us, the kids, our friends, our partners - anything vaguely linked that she thinks we like she compliments. I know she means well, it's just a lot to be around so while I'll go on play dates I won't go out of my way to arrange them.

Buttt that's just my experience. You might be totally chilled, and people are busy and it's genuinely nothing to do with how you go about it. X