Been dumped with MIL whilst DH works on Xmas - AIBU to be pissed off?

😱

Op, you have my sympathies. My DH is a support worker and I used to work in retail, we have had many years of the Christmas juggling of shifts as he is working, I am off and vice versa. People always called in 'sick' and management does get the shitty end of the stick. The arguments dh and I always had was why does he have to go, he isnt management etc. No one is happy with our choices, it was a stressful time and the arguments we had got legendary. One year, I told my in laws where they could get off as no, we couldnt go up, no we didnt want them visiting as we were living in a rented 1 bed upstairs flat that was the size of a cupboard and no, we were not going elsewhere as auntie dot needed to be popped in on as its Christmas and we had been 'volunteered' as auntie dot was a miserable cow who enjoyed making everyone run around after her.
I know its no help, I have no suggustions for you but I feel the rage and understand your point.

This. No way would I be agreeing to that - she comes when he’s available.

You say the cutting the visit down by a day wouldn’t make much difference. I would argue that every little helps and it is worth doing. 3 days is much easier than 4 or 5, they are two days you could have back to yourself to spend as you please. For the remaining three days have lots of ideas up your sleeve - films, activities, ideas for short trips out to keep the day moving along, ways to do things separately at home - can you work on a joint list to try to find common ground?

YANBU to be royally fucked off. But if your moral compass doesn’t permit you to cancel, then cutting down and planning to make the best of it is probably your best option.

OP i am with you! Not unreasonable to be pissed off at all.

And it definitely warrants a very firm conversation with DH.

it is perfectly normal to want a rant or to vent about a situation that has come up, so rant away.

"too lovely for your own good" is also "being a dormat/people pleaser" and you need to stop that. Just generally lovely is fine.

When my DH or DC or anyone is venting to me about something, i will often step in right at the beginning and ask what they want: shoulder and tea, and me nodding in sympathy/empathy? do they want me to agree and vent with them? or do they want me to help them find solutions? do they want me to find solutions and help them implement them?

I think OP is right to let it out here, since neither DH or MIL can really do anything about the situation. (solutions for SIL however, really ought to be implemented)

Working all of Christmas?

I would ask MIL now what films or series goes she fancy watching whilst you 2 are together chilling.

Would it be feasible for dh to take her to work with him one of the days?

I guess it depends on the nature of the job but if, for example, he works in a care home, she could go in on a Christmas lunch day and set the table, decorate etc as a volunteer.

Also, have a conversation with SIL and get her to take MIL out for the day on one of the days - doesn’t have to be Xmas day - they could do the Boxing Day sales for example.

Plus dh has to take her out somewhere on his half days so that you can have a rest.

This.
I can think of nothing worse than entertaining alone at Christmas.

Sil has one bedroom- you’d honestly nedd more of an excuse than ‘nah can’t be arsed’ which is what the op’s boils down to (and I’m all sympathy with that op despite how I’ve phrased that)
and most of us who’ve been married for some time and generally rub along would not uninvite our elderly mil so she’s alone for Christmas, we just wouldn’t. I have very healthy boundaries but I wouldn’t do that. It’s a fine line between boundaries and just being an asshole sometimes and doing that would cross it.

🙄 what did you think people would say?

Scratch that, what response were you hoping for?

If not a solution, then what? Empathy for choosing to host someone for 5 days? Because it is your choice, you don't get praise for hosting a nice old lady.

We all make Christmas compromises, we just don't clutter the Internet wasting peoples time by moaning about it.

Just get wiith life.

I didn't say anything about your MIL. Leave your MIL to her own devices. You can spend Christmas yourself with your family.

I don't think people really are too lovely for their own good op!

A lot of people - especially on here - are very hot on their "rights" to not be lovely but in the long run it doesn't seem to me to to leave them any happier.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

You seem to accept your husband is working instead of using his annual leave that he has given up, so you might need to lower your "hosting" standards and mil can entertain herself for a few hours.

You sound lovely, OP, as i said you need to be clear with DH and MIL about how this is going to go down (I get his issue with work, one of my DC works in adult care and they are not allowed vacation over the whole of Christmas/NY although they do try to accommodate asked-for shifts and allow safe shift swapping)

You, your DH and your MIL need to be very very explicit with SIL about what she is not allowed to do. If she turns up: do not even open the door, and MIL doesn't get to open the door either (except to leave with SIL)

It is just one of those things, and it's not really a matter of your DH simply shirking and dumping this on you. His line of work is like this, and as boss it is absolutely down to him to make sure it runs smoothly.

Good luck

Aw OP, I get that you are trying to do the right thing by MIL and just want a rant about the unfairness of being dropped in it. In terms of making the stay a bit more bearable, are there any activites that you can have up your sleeve so that you're not the whole focus of MIL's entertainment? Depending on what your family is into, it could be something like having a little pile of books / magazines out (charity shop if you don't have any suitable ones) that MIL could pick up, a jigsaw out on the dining table that you can both do bits on, board /card games? Or anything out of the house like walks (you can say you're popping out for a walk and MIL is welcome to join if she wants). Whatever works for you really, but have something for MIL to do so that she's not dependent on you to keep occupied. Best of luck!

Dsil, her new partner will probably invite themselves, and then Dsil with a heart of gold for volunteering other people will suddenly have so and so from the pub who is going to be alone, family friend who is elderly and alone and has always invited in the past etc. It has happened before, and I suddenly have 10 instead of 5 etc.

Just make this an absolute no, OP. No to DSIL and partner, and absolutely no to random hangers-on, whether your husband there to help or not. If someone else wants to be 'charitable', they can do it by spending their own time and money, not yours.

Buy some posh food, as pre-prepped as possible so it can just be chucked in the oven. Keep telly on to divert from political arguments. I'm sure you'll have a lovely day.

That is really poor taste irrespective if you're now divorced.

@Otterloverfrenchielady you haven't answered why you can't just spend the day with your mum and/or dad, instead?