Been dumped with MIL whilst DH works on Xmas - AIBU to be pissed off?

YABU to talk about another human being in the way you talk about your MiL.

Yes, you have been dumped on from a great height.

In his mind, the females are sorted and can amuse and entertain each other.

And he's wriggled out of the kinkeeping duties.

I'd message MIL and ensure she knows her son has ducked out of spending time with you both.

I assume she's aware you're disabled? I'd then be saying how grateful you'll be for some help round the house over Christmas, as son/husband has wriggled out.

And I'd be discussing with him exactly what preparations he himself will be making to make his mother feel more welcome, as he has decided to absent himself from his FAMILY and prefers to spend time at work than with his WIFE AND MOTHER AT CHRISTMAS.

Cleaning?

Setting up the guest room?

Menu planning, food shop and cooking over five days?

How will he contributing to his mother's visit?

piffle

OP has been VERY clear that she is not leaving an elderly woman on her own at christmas just because the best laid plans went awry.

She wanted to vent, has done that, and received some good replies.

For me the only remaining issue is if SIL turns up to do anything other than take MIL out for a couple of hours, and that is on OPs DH and MIL to fix, and reiterate that SIL will not be staying for longer than the time it takes MIL to get her outside clothes on and grab her handbag.

This thread has been a real eye-opener. I guess the letters MIL just send some people into a tailspin.

I came here ready to be enraged about yet another useless husband, but it actually sounds like your one is alright 😂 A bit of annoying situation, but what else can you do really? I'd just stick the telly on and get my knitting out and tell her to help herself to snacks in the fridge and just chill out in companiable silence..?

That's a shame! We have a bank staff pool as well as agencies. The place I work now is large and we don't struggle for cover because all the bank and agencies here (Newcastle) all want to work! So it'd never fall on me to work if I wanted my bank hols off, but I work them anyway!

That being said I hope you get it sorted. I would not want to be in this position myself. 5 days is a long time and my mantra on guests is they are like fish, great at first but they go off and unappealing after a couple of days 🤣

Yep, she’s blocking any and all ways out of this, so it'll be no surprise if the whole lot of DH’s family turn up on Christmas Day.
But if so, there'd better be no whingeing about it afterwards! She has every opportunity to spare herself, if she’d only speak up.

I work in a place that sounds similar to your DHs and provide 24/7 support. I've chosen to work every day between 23rd-27th December because I don't want to be around family/in laws. I could have had the time off if i wanted but it's extra pay and I get to avoid the things I don't want to do! Christmas is a tough time for me and I find it hard being around loads of people.

Is there a possibility he doesn't want to be around his mother and he is choosing to go in? Depends on the company but I just can't see he would be expected every day and would be due some time off. We work with agencies to provide support if full time staff can't come in. It wouldn't really be the managers responsibility to come in normally on bank holidays especially. But, whatever company your H works for could be different but I have worked for 2 seperate ones doing this kind of work, one large and one small, and both places would use agencies instead of full time staff in this scenario, not the service manager.

🙄 what did you think people would say?

Scratch that, what response were you hoping for?

If not a solution, then what? Empathy for choosing to host someone for 5 days? Because it is your choice, you don't get praise for hosting a nice old lady.

We all make Christmas compromises, we just don't clutter the Internet wasting peoples time by moaning about it.

Just get wiith life.

Would it be feasible for dh to take her to work with him one of the days?

I guess it depends on the nature of the job but if, for example, he works in a care home, she could go in on a Christmas lunch day and set the table, decorate etc as a volunteer.

Also, have a conversation with SIL and get her to take MIL out for the day on one of the days - doesn’t have to be Xmas day - they could do the Boxing Day sales for example.

Plus dh has to take her out somewhere on his half days so that you can have a rest.

it is perfectly normal to want a rant or to vent about a situation that has come up, so rant away.

"too lovely for your own good" is also "being a dormat/people pleaser" and you need to stop that. Just generally lovely is fine.

When my DH or DC or anyone is venting to me about something, i will often step in right at the beginning and ask what they want: shoulder and tea, and me nodding in sympathy/empathy? do they want me to agree and vent with them? or do they want me to help them find solutions? do they want me to find solutions and help them implement them?

I think OP is right to let it out here, since neither DH or MIL can really do anything about the situation. (solutions for SIL however, really ought to be implemented)

Op, you have my sympathies. My DH is a support worker and I used to work in retail, we have had many years of the Christmas juggling of shifts as he is working, I am off and vice versa. People always called in 'sick' and management does get the shitty end of the stick. The arguments dh and I always had was why does he have to go, he isnt management etc. No one is happy with our choices, it was a stressful time and the arguments we had got legendary. One year, I told my in laws where they could get off as no, we couldnt go up, no we didnt want them visiting as we were living in a rented 1 bed upstairs flat that was the size of a cupboard and no, we were not going elsewhere as auntie dot needed to be popped in on as its Christmas and we had been 'volunteered' as auntie dot was a miserable cow who enjoyed making everyone run around after her.
I know its no help, I have no suggustions for you but I feel the rage and understand your point.

You say the cutting the visit down by a day wouldn’t make much difference. I would argue that every little helps and it is worth doing. 3 days is much easier than 4 or 5, they are two days you could have back to yourself to spend as you please. For the remaining three days have lots of ideas up your sleeve - films, activities, ideas for short trips out to keep the day moving along, ways to do things separately at home - can you work on a joint list to try to find common ground?

YANBU to be royally fucked off. But if your moral compass doesn’t permit you to cancel, then cutting down and planning to make the best of it is probably your best option.