AIBU to worry about my kids talking to their friends because of their mums problems

How much SS will do depends on how overworked, underfunded and overwhelmed thy are in your area. Not because what your friend is doing isn’t that “bad” , it’s just not immediate danger.

Abuse is abuse.

@Whymustibesocialhas anything’s been done ? Did SS see the family?

Social Service level dysfunction. Make a report.

THIS IS MOT NORMAL! The fact you’re posting on here means you know deep down this is wrong. I have friends with autistic children but please don’t use that as an excuse to justify this mother’s behaviour. They should not be lying in bed till afternoon and definitely not still wearing nappies as a near teen without some formal diagnosis or help if they do have a problem! Please please please report to social services as this most definitely will affect these children for the rest of their lives 😢

Please report this OP. It’s not your job to decide whether this meets the threshold for SS involvement or whether your concerns are valid. SS are the professional body here and they will make that call. All you need to do is give the examples of your concerns, and know that you have done the right thing.

Also we can never know what’s happening behind closed doors, she could be giving them medicine they don’t need for example. Better to refer.

I agree

Don’t allow your kids to have access to their phones during lesson-time. Turned off and on the kitchen counter! If they need to look something up they can use a laptop / computer.

I agree, I would report to SS. You’re concerned about educational neglect, health neglect in form of not taking to medical professionals especially when self-diagnosing things and a teenager in nappies, abuse by depriving them socialisation opportunities with peers, generally limiting their development.

I agree about SS. I also think you should try to maintain the relationship, especially for the other childrens' sakes. Also unfortunately every child is going to meet other children with serious issues as they get older, or who don't actually have serious issues but have busily diagnosed themselves or been diagnosed by over-zealous parents. My eldest has a friend whose mother diagnoses / identifies her DCs as all sorts and then is hashtagging it all on social media and I've had to have a few conversations with my own child about it. Maybe use this as a way to gently work through this now, because they will absolutely encounter it again throughout life.

It’s really not healthy if the only person/adult they are interacting with is unwell to the point she is passing unhealthy thinking on to them. They will grow up thinking this is normal and have nothing to counterbalance the effects. What prospects will they have in adulthood with no education or understanding of how real life works? They will just end up stuck in this house forever. What sort of life is this for them?
Please report your concerns, it might not go anywhere but SS getting in touch may end up with some support or at the very least, perhaps a wake up call.
You seem to be the only healthy adult that knows these kids, you have a duty to report imo.

No. These children are in a highly vulnerable and virtually invisible situation.
You NEED to help them.
Please call Social Services (anonymously if you prefer) today.

I totally agree, this hyperfocus on problems is a major worry. ‘Oh poor me’ seems to be a rallying cry for a number of adults and this is easily transmitted to children. I sound like my grandma but a stiff upper lip and plucky determination will do wonders for a child facing difficulties!
The fact that from what you say, this woman positively shirks expert attention says to me that she’s worried she’ll get found out! I know Munchausen’s by proxy isn’t a thing any more but I do know adults to whom it could apply. Most concerning- for herself and the children. I’d be inclined to include your kids in a conversation about how anxieties can sometimes become self-propagating if not tackled head-on.

You need to raise this. Not taking them to see medical professionals IS a form of neglect

i would also make a referral - she is in need of some help and the children will be damaged if this is allowed to continue. SS will deal with it from once you’ve referred. I used to work in a school and anything like what you say would be an immediate safeguarding referral.
Also reinforce your your kids that they should continue to try their best and autism doesn’t mean failure.

her kids are constantly calling them and trying to get them to play online because they dont do any formal style learning

I think it should be illegal to be denied an education like this. It would be in some countries

they are warm and fed even if a bit haphazardly

What do you mean by that?

Definitely try reporting to social care. Or can report anonymously via NSPCC. Share all the information you have shared in here. They mat not take notice, but at least you have tried. And then as any new information emerges report again, and again and again. It sometimes takes a few times for them to take notice

The criteria for social services ' help ' is a high bar to reach
My daughter was a pcso and frequently tried to get social involved.
One family had bare mattress on the floor no sheets and cat poo all over the house .. children lived there to .but not in school or any education. social not interested.wouldnt even visit .
I am a home educating mum ,I home ed my 4 DC at various points of their education and we are autistic..we were home schooling,and the DC were on gifted and talented schemes when they finally went in to school.
We had year inspections from the LEA and have kept all excellent reports.
I have absolutely no idea why parents get a choice about LEA visits to check on their education..but we were the only family who allowed them in the home from the groups we went to .it's bizarre.
I really don't know what you can do op.. especially if social are not interested

a post from gypsy rose Blanchard (victim of munchausen by proxy):

www.facebook.com/share/1Ao5uMhbg5/

Yes - social services would want to know. She is putting severe limitations on their lifes and their development. Not allowing them to do sports, no normal socialisation, teenager in night nappies , not accessing education whether it be at home or at school. She seems to have told them not to expect to have normal lives and that they can’t do the things or have the same hopes that other children do.
It sounds as though she is highly anxious about them growing up and moving on their life’s so she is fabricating reasons that they can’t do that.
This is abusive - whether she intends it to be or not - please make a safeguarding referral. And don’t allow your own children be dragged into the dysfunction

What the mother is doing sounds like abuse to me. She isn’t allowing them to do sports, and it sounds like they spend all day on video game sites. I’m not against home schooling but she isn’t doing that and nor is she sending them to school. Those children deserve access to education. And she’s telling them their autism (which she tells them they have as they have no diagnosis) is bad. And she has her teenager in night nappies. Those children are definitely being neglected and abused.

She needs help and her children REALLY need help. I don’t say this kind of thing lightly but yes - you should contact social services.

It's absolutely fine to keep your own children away from children who aren't being parented well. You are under no obligation to continue the friendship or make your children modify their behaviour.

The best option here is to drop the friendship. Do it gradually like taking longer to answer messages, not accepting every invite to meet up, not actively participating in long text conversations or phone calls etc. Obviously don't tell your children that you don't want them playing with XYZ's kids but slowly reduce contact on your side and encourage friendships with other, more normal, families.

The last thing you can do is possibly contact SS because those children are actively being abused. Not taking children to vital medical appointments is illegal neglect.

Would social services be concerned if they are physically cared for
That is not your judgement to make. You need to report the family to social services as a safeguarding issue. Social services will make a home visit and determine what support the mum and children need. Please do this.

Outside of you and your kids who sees this family? who are they in contact with? They don't go to school, gp etc. so there is no professional in their lives, definitely reaches the threshold for social services in my opinion

I suppose you could look at it this way:

You are watching someone cause mental health issues in her children.
They might have to deal with the repercussions of this the rest of their lives.
She may be unwell herself.
If you do not report her, neither her nor her children get the help they need and you will be watching children be abused and not saying anything.