I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

I think this is a very insightful post.

I’ve used IAPT too. It’s a bit hit and miss who you get but it’s free and worth a shot.

I suspect no one is interested because you are so self-deprecating. It is immensely hard work being with someone who is always putting herself down. It creates a negative atmosphere. I bet you think you are all bright and breezy when you chat but you actually let slip lots of self-criticisms. Cut them all out.

Do the work. CBT. Sign up for six free self-referred sessions with NHS. Buy some CBT self-help workbooks. Look online. Unlearn all those horrendous distorted thinking patterns. Replace them with genuine self compassion. Start feeling really good about your academic achievements, your weight loss. Get a stylist to help you choose new outfits. Every time you do something good, however small, congratulate yourself for it. It feels (and maybe is) OTT at first, but you need to unlearn the aggressive noise. So say to yourself 'Yay - still 150lbs lighter than I was 2 years ago.' And 'Delicious coffee I just made, to start the day' and 'That colour of nail polish is gorgeous. I love it on the end of my fingers.' On and on. Very artificial. Until it isn't. Until you realise it is absolutely fine to be nice to yourself. Why not?

Next time you chat to a man online, play a game with yourself that you will not say anything to put yourself down. Not as a joke, not out of 'modesty'. Say nothing negative either, however small (eg 'I hated law' or 'I don't really get on with my colleagues/have many friends'.) Just stay uncharacteristically positive.

Suggest meeting men you like chatting with for a quick coffee or to do something together for an hour or two if you have a shared interest - visit a gallery, walk along the river, whatever. Suggest it in the spirit of friendship. See what happens. It's fine if they say no.

You could also try joining a group therapy self-esteem building workshop or group. You might meet men there who are equally down on themselves and you will see how hard it is to cut through that artificial barrier.

OP what do you think about the therapy/ GP idea?

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers I'm going to be blunt. I'm sorry but I hope it helps.

I have read all of your posts and I sympathise with you but the one thing that has stood out to me is that you are completely self absorbed and seem to have no interest whatsoever in others...

Many, MANY people have replied to you and been lovely and told you what they struggle with (weight, hair loss, low confidence etc) and not once have you responded to them in a nice way - or even said thank you - despite everyone trying to boost your confidence and help you.

I understand when you are depressed you struggle to see the positive in anything and so interacting with others is never going to be easy. However this is 100% going to have an impact on you meeting someone. Whether that be online or in real life. Most people will run a mile from someone who is so negative. It's absolutely nothing to do with what you look like and everything to do with your behaviour and personality.

You need to do some real work on yourself (starting with a good therapist) to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do about yourself and start to make some changes to your thought processes before you can even THINK about dating.

I wish you the best of luck.

In a lot of ways you are describing me physically. I've always been short and round with incredibly fine hair that can't be styled, snagly teeth but I have a really small nose. I spent a lot of my teens insecure about myself. I started getting perms in my hair . I was lucky enough to get an understanding stylist who gave me a tousled messy look (think Kate Humble) which really suits me. I've done this since my 20s - I'm now in my 60s and it's the only way i can cope with my hair - the messier the better. I got my teeth improved (I can't say sorted) in a teaching hospital and smile a lot even though I still have a gap at the front. I'll always be a bit of a podge, but I wear colours that really suit me with flowing lines. People often tell me they admire my style and confidence (they have no idea i can't do smart and tidy). My younger self would have been amazed to hear their words. Get some colour and style advice, check out the dental hospitals, find an understanding hairdresser and learn to love yourself. Believe me - I changed my attitude and my life.x

You're focusing on all the negatives and not even acknowledging previous posters who are trying to give constructive advice.
You have lost a significant amount of weight, that's an amazing achievement, you should feel proud of yourself, and if you feel you want to lose more then go for it!
Most people have hang ups about how they look... Big nose, thin hair, thin lips, small boobs/big boobs, too fat, too thin, bum to big etc etc... In reality people are just people, I could list loads of things I'd like to change, smaller nose, smaller boobs, loose a couple of stone, get rid of acne blah blah...
Focus on the positives, you've admitted on here that you're clearly an intelligent woman. And working in the NHS gives you opportunity to progress in your career. I would much rather be judged based on my achievements/mind than on what shape my nose is.
You need to find peace with yourself Before trying to find someone else. Once you make peace with who you are and embrace yourself other people will be attracted to that.

But that’s almost certainly because what you’re giving off is ‘I hate myself. I think I’m ugly and stupid’. If you don’t think you’re worth anything, why would a total stranger not take you at your word? It’s not a man on a dating app’s job to fix your self-esteem — that’s your job. People take us at our own estimation until they know us well enough to judge differently.

Of course you can go to therapy for this. You are incredibly harsh and down on yourself. You seem convinced that you will never find a partner and will go through life solo, but you are currently living with the enemy.

CBT therapy would be enormously helpful to you. It would help you understand the different types of distorted thinking - you are using most of them! And it would teach you self compassion, self acceptance and a much MUCH better way of thinking about yourself and your life.

You should not have to spend another day with this bully inside your head. The worst case scenario is: you never meet anyone and you are alone for the rest of your life, continuing to think about yourself and your relationship to the world in this scathing way. A much better case and 100% guaranteed achievable scenario is you are alone for the rest of your life but you are your own best friend - you adore your own company, are impressed by your stellar academic achievements, your weight loss, take excellent care of yourself and allow yourself to do things you enjoy and experience new opportunities. An even better and perfectly possible scenario is: You adore your own company, treat yourself well, and this warm, confident, intelligent personality in a well-cared for body, attracts a loving man and a group of loving friends. Also highly likely.

But you MUST unlearn the vicious voice. I speak from experience. It was in my head for years. I worked very hard at CBT and it is pretty much gone. When life goes haywire it comes back but I have the skills to shoo it away. They are learnable. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from them. I started with Mind Gym - an Australian CBT self-taught course. I am not sure if you can buy it in UK but if not, there are bound to be lots of other courses and books. You can also self-refer for 6 weeks of free NHS therapy for any reason you choose.

You sound very depressed @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers . We are all different and what social media currently deems beautiful is often fake.

Can you get help with boosting your mood to try to sort the underlying depression first?

Good luck, you are worth it and special🌺

People see what you project. I have a friend that constantly covers her mouth with her hand b/c she hates her teeth. on nights out she is on the periphery because you just don’t know what she’s saying in a loud bar when she covers her mouth to talk. She feels this disconnect. She’s stunningly beautiful, she turns head & when we were younger she’d be approached constantly, but they’d soon lose interest. Now my other friend is on the big side & she has charisma dripping off her. She’s funny & her wit is razor sharp. She may not get the interest from strangers but once she gets talking to a bloke, they would be all over her. She’s someone you want to be around. So my advice would you’ve got what your given, you may not be happy with that (most people aren’t) just look at the already skinny celebs jabbing away to look like skeletons. There are things you are doing to improve on those matters like losing weight. I would get yourself to the doctors, you may need a bit of help getting out this rut, they may refer you for a bit of therapy. I would also expand your social life. Join some local groups, join a gym. Take the pressure off finding anyone & learn to love yourself first.

This. I go to a gym where there are lots of mega fit, toned people (and equally lots of unfit and overweight people) and not once have I ever seen ANYONE even look - never mind laugh - at anybody else in there. Nobody goes to a gym to bully or spend time watching and mocking other people.

I think you have some serious mental health issues OP (combined with extremely low self esteem / body dysmorphia).

What happened when you were growing up to give you this image of yourself? Constant negativity as we grow becomes ingrained and defines our own self image and esteem. Being bullied in school can stick with you.

I'm another who would highly recommend therapy to unpick why you see yourself this way. You've had major achievements in life already, and you're only 26. You have proven tenacity and determination, and it's time to use these to change how you feel about yourself.

Go back to your GP and explain how your negative thought patterns are impacting your life. Be firm that they're not because you're overweight, but a symptom of poor mental health and you want to get better.

You can do this. You are as worthy and deserving as much as anyone else.

People are attracted to happy confident people. If you’re finding life hard to meet someone, it’s more likely to be the negative vibes you’re giving off than your looks.

I’m well past my sell by date, age wise, 😳, looks fade, and bodies start to sag and droop - but it’s a case of making the best of what you’ve got, and being confident in how you are.

A decent hairdresser will advise on a good cut for your fine hair, but I think you need some sort of therapy around your self esteem more than anything else.

Best wishes. 💐

Not the root of the real issue, but as part of it...if you really hate your hair, invest in a wig or hairpiece. I have a friend who lost a lot of hair with health issues. She wears a full wig and it looks totally natural and really lovely. And she sometimes switches it up for something neon for fun.

This is a really good point. OP I think you do sound quite low in mood. Would you consider going to your GP? A short course of therapy could possibly really help you reframe some of your beliefs. Ignore online dating, it's absolutely brutal. Would you consider something like park run? Exercise and friendly people? Or is there a running group near you?

I’m not good at anything really, but I add to society by caring. Caring brings connection; connection brings joy.

Do you get outside much? Have any pets? Do you exercise at all? Are you involved in anything in your community?

One last thing, do you take any vitamins/minerals? Might sound daft, but try something like Berocca for a few weeks and see how your outlook changes.

My kids both have private braces - we’re in the south and the treatment was £3000. There are payment plans available. Obviously there is a lot more to what’s going on here than that, but this is something affecting your confidence which you genuinely can fix. I’m a huge believer in therapy but I’d do the teeth first, or you will spend the cost of a pair of braces trying and failing to come to terms with why your mum didn’t fix your teeth!

depending on where you are you can self refer for NHS talking therapy via IAPT. They do an assessment and if you’re depressed I’m sure they can arrange medication too. Have a look for your local service. You need to tell them all of what you said above.

your problem is not your looks OP! It’s your outlook on yourself.

you are clearly a determined person to persevere and lose so much weight. You tried a career and knew yourself well enough to realise it wasn’t making you happy.
you enjoy nature. Your create amazing cakes! I had a long day yesterday and a colleague bought be a cake on the way home. It gave me so much joy!

You sound a lovely person to be around!!

Op, another thing to consider and perhaps understand is that all the extra weight you used to carry was caused by your overeating which suggests that you are an emotional eater. Emotional eaters squash down feelings with food which makes dieting hard because when they stop overeating they are swamped by a rush of emotions - imagine all those years of repressed emotions suddenly coming to the fore! That would be hard for anyone to deal with let alone a sensitive person. This is where therapy comes in and/or try a support group like recovery dharma (which uses meditation).

I can only add I have had terrible hair all my life- fine curly and knotty. Now at the age of nearly 60 I looked round my bathroom at all the products and thought Fk It. So now I have it cut really short and bleach the fk out of it!

I really feel for younger women today because it seems like there is only one way to look - Kardashian- and you have to be pretty brave to stand against the type.

People like op who are so harsh on themselves tend to also be very critical of others, so her male equivalent of suitors that some people suggested dating wouldn't do, she probably wants the fittest men yet push them away if they express any interest because she wouldn't believe it even if it were genuine. It's a self fulfilling prophecy of 'nobody wants me and it will never get better'.

Life is what you make it!