I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

I have incredibly fine hair that falls out constantly and to compliment it I also have a face full of scars and disabilities, it never slowed down my ability to attract people who wanted relationships with me at all.

Looks are such a tiny part of dating. Yes it might attract lots of random attention off strangers in a bar etc... but 'meet another human' is literally just the bare minimum first step and if you leave the house you meet people all the time it doesn't need to be 'he bought me a drink and asked me out'.

The majority of dating is PERSONALITY (which usually comes from confidence, this is what people get crushes on, its all the weird silly quirks that make us unique which can include unique features and their effects they have on us and how we own them) and also COMPATIBILITY (this is what comes from talking to people you meet and just getting to know them, empathizing on similar experiences and finding out if you fit in each others life ideologies).

Love isn't an instant 'first sight' thing, thats a hollywood lie only 'lust' exists at first sight and lust isn't love. Love grows slowly over time them more time you spend with someone and the people you fall in love with can often be people you didn't get asked out by the first time you met. I have loads of friends who had been friends with people for years even decades before realising how compatable they have always been and getting together etc...

You descriptions of your self sound like you may have dysmorphia to be honest, if you truely see 'no difference' in a 150lb weight loss (thats a impressive amount, I have struggled to lose 10 bloody pound this year) their is something wrong with you ability to independently judge yourself because theres no way you loose nearly 11 stone and don't look different.

If you have issue with your self view and confidence that will negatively effect the first step of personality. I know it sounds cliche but you need to at least make peace with yourself (you don't have to 'love' everything about yourself but you do have to apologetically exist) before you can be confident enough to be with others.

Move to Australia. You're young enough to get a working visa and the warm weather will cheer you up. You're depressed and need a change in lifestyle.

Maybe try to separate out how you feel emotionally and what you can aim for in terms of your appearance.

I don't see anything 'wrong' in having things done if you are really unhappy with your looks.

However, even if you had your teeth, nose and hair fixed and lost another 5 stones or whatever, would you be happy?

Have you had careers advice at all? Doing 2 degrees then working below your intelligence is not good for your wellbeing. You've got the ability to do so much more. You just need to find your niche.

If you really want your teeth done, most dentists offer payment plans so you get it on credit, paying monthly. Invisalign or braces are around £2K.

Your hair- have you had blood tests for iron etc? And your thyroid?

Have you tried thickening/ volumising shampoos?
There are always hair extensions but again, at a cost.

I’ve been exactly where you are @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers.

wasted my 20s worrying about looks and that no man was interested in me.

Fixed my teeth and weight. Worked hard. Built a career. But never tackled my crippling self loathing and low self esteem so when I did attract men it was abusive types who could smell my lack of self love and desperation. My 30s and even very early 40s were a litany of dating disasters. I never believed I was good at my job and didn’t deserve promotions or higher pay.

A while back, whilst on a train, two young women laughed at me and called me ugly. And something clicked with me. So what. Who cares if I’m ugly? I no longer do. I wrote a thread on here about how freeing that realisation was.

And life has gotten better and better as I’ve integrated that into my life.

I am older, saggier, greyer but happier than I have ever been.

My teeth which I spent a fortune on straightening and whitening are wonky again as I didn’t care enough to keep wearing my retainers. I think they do give me character.

My hair is thinner and greyer - I bleach the grey stripes to make them more noticeable. People comment on them all the time.

My face is older but I wear bright red lipstick to attract attention to it. I think it looks cheery.

My poor old body that I’ve hated for so long is now lifting heavy weights and getting fitter than I’ve ever been. I have muscles! Me who was always a couch potato.

I am highly respected in my professional circles because I truly do not give a shit about people pleasing any more so speak my mind. People listen to my expertise and I earn more than I ever have.

And yes, believe it or not and despite the username, I met someone who could have been made for me. He - in his own words - worships the ground I walk on. He’s old and grey and a bit saggy too and had a rough go through life himself so we don’t look like loves young dream but we are obscenely happy and content with each other. I genuinely wake up every day excited to spend it with him even if the most we have planned is a trip to the super market.

But had I not dropped my baggage about my looks and ‘value’ I would never have believed anyone could love me the way he does and would never have been able to accept it.

It wasn’t the rest of the world who was rejecting me all those years. It was me rejecting me and telling the world not to bother with me. You might think you don’t say anything self deprecating to the men on apps but it will be leaking through because you are so so down on yourself.

I agree you need therapy - NHS self referral will be CBT most likely which I don’t think is enough for you. You may need to look at some private options. It’s worth the investment. Just please stay away from ‘life coaches’ who talk in toxic positivity cliches.

As a few other posters have said you also need to start being kind to yourself. Radically, intensely, overwhelmingly kind. Treat yourself as you would a tiny version of yourself. Pour the love you are looking for into yourself. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. It’s also very very hard when you are used to being your own worst enemy.

No one is going to be able to love you until you not only believe you deserve love but understand how to accept love.

Doesn’t mean you’ll never have bad days. Or have body issues. But if you can chip away day by day at the hate you have for yourself, you’ll get there.

You have a whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it hating yourself.

OK OP maybe not therapy

But is there something you could do today that could be the start of a comeback?
What do you reckon about volunteering?

If that has been one doctor on those occasions, do not take it as given. You are entitled to seek further help from another GP at your surgery, to tell them how low you are feeling, you can be any size and feel low. Perhaps a low dosage of anti-depressants may help you tackle your low self esteem.
Ask the GP about therapy, I'm not sure you would get this free on the NHS but recommendations of a local therapist may be given.
Love yourself, I know it's easier said then done, but I honestly believe you can turn things around, you deserve it. Good luck OP

If the teeth were so terrible they were affecting OPs life she would have been offered free orthodontics as a child . I doubt they are any more crooked than most people .
Btw I have one tooth at the bottom that is crooked it hasn't affected my life in the least because I don't think about it.

Don’t know about others but I have learned a lot from this thread that has been a bit of an epiphany to get me to shift my mindframe from low to healthy.

I do agree with that. Even the NHS ones can be shit. I was recently referred for some CBT therapy through my local IAPT service for OCD, which I was diagnosed with 10 years ago and which I intermittently struggle with. The therapist I was assigned through IAPT basically decided herself that I didn't have OCD but it was more general anxiety based instead. Despite the fact that I clearly have OCD and was diagnosed with it by a clinical psychologist. She then started treating me for general "worry", which surprise surprise only made me worse because the treatment wasn't appropriate for OCD, which is what the problem was in the first place.

I've since learnt that IAPT therapists aren't qualified to diagnose or question diagnoses so I might make a complaint to the IAPT service.

I'm really struck by how capable you seem - great GCSEs and A levels, 2 degrees - all whilst struggling with your mental health. Changing careers, losing a lot of weight.

You've had so much advice, much of it kind and thoughtful, from people who have felt the same.

Do you feel able to make a plan to be kind to yourself? What would be your first step?

You have no idea what her teeth are like though!
The NHS provide free orthodontics for children. There is no income assesment if an orthodontist assess that a child under 18 needs a brace it is provided at mo cost.
OP may not have film star shiny teeth but I doubt that anyone notices them. I am sure they don't stop her making friends and I bet even if she had her teeth done now she wouldn't feel any different because the issue isn't the teeth it is OPs perception of herself

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers Not sure if you missed this response, but it's spot on. You talk about what little you have to offer, assuming that makes you unique. Very few people have anything to offer which makes them special! Most people are just pottering through life, trying to make the best of it.

In reality you sound like you have depression. Have you ever been on/would you go on anti depressants?

Braces are only free if you fall within specific criteria they use to determine necessity. If it’s simply a cosmetic desire, even as a child you won’t necessarily be lucky.

In fairness some professional therapists / psychologists are shit.

I experienced one similar to what OP describes.

You could have said a general thanks.

Sorry but this is a total pity party.

Plenty of ugly people with boring jobs have partners who adore them.

Y’know what really makes someone unattractive? Someone who is unendingly negative and mopey. I don’t want to be around someone who is whining about being ugly, boring, having an uninteresting job, oh I’m 26 but I’ve already decided I’ll never own a home and will die alone.

I have sympathy for you OP, I really do but you are absolutely determined to be miserable and so you will be.

You aren’t talented in art or music?? We don’t live in Bridgerton times where young ladies are expected to entertain the local gentry with a tune or two on the harpsichord. Do you honestly think those of us that are in relationships are dazingly our partners of an evening with our art skills?? Trust me my husband would much rather I could bake than produce a decent painting.

& what kind of exciting jobs do you think everyone has? Of course some people have interesting careers but most of us are in offices, or shops or hospitals working to pay our bills.

I mean this in the most positive way possible, you are not special. You are not so uniquely ugly. Your normal. Your jobs isn’t so utterly dull. It’s normal. Your hobbies and interests aren’t ridiculously boring. They’re normal.

You’re normal OP. You’ll likely have a normal life like the rest of us. Most of us didn’t own property at 26, we weren’t married to handsome men who adored us and we weren’t travelling to exotic locations with for our fascinating jobs.

If you are on social media, get off it immediately and get out in the real world. Have a wander around a shopping centre and look at the people you see there. Are you honest to God so much more hideous than the people you see out in the real world? Do you honestly only see super attractive people walking around with their partner and kids? How many of them do you think play an instrument or work on their “art” regularly?

Yeah it will be the same cherry picking and distorted recall of events of when men disappeared after asking to meet up. Most men will chat to meet up even if they aren't feeling it as they are very sex driven.

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers I find it very interesting when someone recalls what someone else said to them. If you were in bereavement counselling it’s extremely unlikely that they said ‘lose weight’. It’s very likely however that they discussed with you the importance of self care. Totally different but totally understandable that to you this translates as ‘lose weight’.

And you have lost a LOT of weight. Huge congratulations.

When I was in therapy there was a small picture on the wall with the words, ‘Thoughts are not facts’. If you read back through the replies you’ve had a lot of support. How can you use that to move forward? Presumably you posted last night because you wanted something to change? I genuinely suggest starting with your thoughts.

Get support here, from friends and family, from professionals. If you want life to change you will need to work a bit more unfortunately.

But was he or she accredited by the BACP or equivalent? Thoroughly qualified? Because I’ve had a fair amount of therapy in my life, in different countries, and no therapist has ever told me to lose weight. That’s not in their remit.

I think it's clear that her teeth might not even be that bad from how distorted and negative her replies have been about clearly positive things eg the degrees, the 150lb weightloss, being only 26...it's like talking to a wall.

Absolutely no professional therapist / psychologist who you were seeing for grief / bereavement issues would tell you that you "just need to lose weight and eat healthy".

In fact, unless your weight was the specific reason you were having therapy / counselling then it would never get mentioned full stop.

Bloody well done on the weight loss! Thats a fantastic achievement. I’m sure it is noticeable, can you get on Vinted to try some new styles without spending too much?
Hair - can you change the colour so it looks less fine? I never style mine, wash, dry, straighten so it’s not a frizz ball but then its always in a ponytail.
If your conscious about your nose can you go get a make up session at boots to see how to use contouring to help? I think you can book online, they are 20 minute sessions.

If you were under 18 and in the UK tooth braces are free if a dentist assesses you need them .
When you say your teeth are crooked do you just mean not perfect and artificial looking like a celebrity?
Given you say you look the same having lost so much weight I bet you are the only person who notices your teeth and your fine hair.