I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

Can I ask you to do one thing, please? Never refer to yourself as a turd again. I know it was probably supposed to be semi-joking but if you refer to yourself as a turd, it frames your whole idea of yourself. Perhaps somebody said it to you, more than once, when you were growing up. Perhaps your mum said it about herself. But you are not a turd.

I’m really sorry this has been your experience with the GP it’s all to common for people with bigger bodies and so invalidating that so often they can’t see beyond a persons weight.

Don’t get me started on the BMI and how terrible it is as a marker for health. All I can say is I used to be a lot slimmer but my mental health was in the ground. Now I’m bigger (bigger cloths size than you) but I’ve done an immense amount of internal work on myself through therapy (private and NHS) and I feel so much better about myself and my coping skills to get through life, so arguably I’m healthier now than when I was slim as I’m not living with chronic anxiety.

You need to start doing some inner work on yourself. Do you follow any good Instagram accounts? I am not talking about faux body positivity ones but ones that are actually real and authentic. I found just filling up my online space with content like that really helped me see things differently and helped me push back when the doctor comes at me with you should lose weight or BMI chat.

Health is so much more than just weight and if your mental health is in the ground that’s going to take a huge tole on your physical health too.

I’d recommend @intuitive.eating.ireland on instagram and also would recommend looking at the work of Aubrey Gordon she has an excellent podcast called Maintenance Phase, and a documentary called Your Fat Friend, which is excellent. You can build yourself up to be firmer with the GP and say I am not here to discuss my weight I need help with my mental health snd self esteem so please can we not discuss my weight during this appointment.

In short, I know how disheartening it can be speaking to the GP but there is help out there beyond that if you look for it.

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

Read this again. And again.

With your attitude you are in danger of exhausting the goodwill of Mumsnet, and that's quite something!

I'd love to see you say "I will try" or "thank you for your kindness" – any small indication that you've gained anything from all the kindness you've received.

Read @Starlight1984's post again.

I second this. Although the advice to lose weight is sound, we know that obesity is a risk factor for depression and there's no reason that the depression can't be treated with medication while someone is continuing to lose weight.

OP, I haven't read all the replies but you do sound quite depressed to me.

If your nose and teeth are affecting your self-esteem that badly then either save or get a loan to get them done. I had a young friend who hated her nose. I couldn't see anything at all wrong with it but she had it corrected and her confidence soared.

I've got a big nose and elephant ears. I'm still 2 stone overweight, although I've lost four and a half with WLI. I've been told, though, that I have lovely eyes and smile.

It makes me sad that at 26 you feel like you're never going to find a partner. My mum used to say there's a lid for every pan. Except mine, apparently 😂

OP I think this is the kind of post I think people above are referring to. The poster who you replied to here empathised with you and also shared they had lost their partner to cancer. You didn't even acknowledge their tragedy in your reply.

You've had some brilliant advice on this thread, OP. Why don't you pick one piece of advice that you're curious about, and start from there? You only need to do one small thing to get the ball rolling. Maybe start a gratitude journal, join a social group, or buy a self-help book from Amazon. Go for a walk. Pet a dog. Antidepressants may be a good idea, too - worth looking into. Exercise really helps give you energy and positivity. Call the samaritans for a chat. There are so many things to try. They won't all be for you, but give yourself a chance. Be your own best friend for once.

Just start with one little thing. Admit to yourself that you're not 'coming to terms' with how you feel about yourself. That in fact, you're very sad and hurt and frightened and lonely, and you need kindness, love and support - like we all do, and like we all deserve. Including you. Then choose one thing, one way you can show yourself some kindness today.

Ahhhh OP @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

I am so sorry you are feeling down and out about yourself. I haven't read the entire thread but there has been some good feedback here.

It's so easy to criticise and find fault in ourselves. I could list so many things I'm not happy with about myself, and I've certainly in my teens and 20's hated myself for ugliness, weight, personality etc. I am now a mother in my 30s and if I thought any of my friends or family thought of themselves the way I did, and you do now, I'd be so upset.

I genuinely think you would benefit from regularly seeing a therapist. Not your GP who isn't a MH specialist but an actual therapist who will listen and guide you in coming out of this sad time.

In the meantime, you've mentioned so many things in your post and comments that are just factually incorrect or contradicting of yourself. For example, you've mentioned you aren't clever enough then told us about your awesome GCSE, A Levels and good degrees. You may not like this field of work, but you certainly are highly intelligent.

Separately you've mentioned not being able to do you hobbies alone for the next 50 years... why the hell do you need a man to go hiking or baking? Myself & my husband have very little joint hobbies, we actually enjoy doing things separately for ourselves. Hobbies and a future partner are not inherently interlinked.

I totally get your self esteem issues though. In fairness most people will be able to pick out things they dislike about themselves. I yoyo with my weight... Sometimes I get really pissed off and lose weight again for a year or so then I get complacent and boom chocolate and snacks creep back in and the gym is gone. That's life. But when it bothers me again, I'll lose it again. You are doing a fantastic thing losing weight... not only for your health but eventually you'll see a drastic change in your image.

I think ontop of going to see a therapist regularly, you would benefit from making a list of things you want to change (the potential costs) and also a timeliness to do these. I'm not talking get it all done within 5 months but be realistic.

Go to a salon and get proper extensions fitted (not clip in ones) but bonded or beaded or weft etc. Yes they are pricey but you work and they'll be attached every day when you get up and it'll just be one less thing to focus on.

Next go and get a price for your teeth! Find out what the payment plan prices would be. You said you enjoy baking so I'd probably try to set up a little cake business on the side to help save toward your teeth. You get a few quid and eventually your teeth will be sorted.

You think you don't look like you've lost weight because you probably aren't dressing for your new shape. For Christmas, treat yourself to a style consultation. They are about £200 for a few hours in a big department store where someone will talk you through the right colours for you, the right fits, and they can offer you tips for where to shop for your price point.

You aren't going love yourself overnight. It's a wrok in progress but you are worth it so put in the effort.

Agreed.

Baby in Dirty Dancing ........

Confidence & Attitude

Hey OP. Just wanted to advise against letting men's reactions to you on dating apps to shape your assesment of your value at the moment. If you go on tiktok there are any number of highly confident and attractive women talking about how difficult dating is and how prevalent ghosting is right now. It's not you. The apps aren't a quick way to a self esteem boost - they need a thick skin and a strong sense of your own self worth. I'd probably leave them alone for a while until you're in a better place. (I hope that doesn't come across as patronising.)

I'm not sure what you could do to physically glow up, as I can't see you what you look like. But there are honestly very few people who can't improve on what they've got, if that's what they want to do (and I'm not talking about anything as drastic as nose jobs).

Lastly, from someone ten years older, you are still so SO young. I still consider myself young! Loads of people totally reinvent themselves in their 30s. I can't stress how much time you've got to figure out what you want to do, how you want your life to look, to discover new hobbies and interests, to grow. Thirty means nothing nowadays (and you're not even nearly there anyway).

I actually think Barbra Streisand is a great example of someone who is considered beautiful even though she has some features that are conventionally 'unattractive'. The big nose, the wild hair, the prominent jaw. If you wrote a factual description of her, you could make her sound ugly. But she's not.

Access to free NHS dental treatment for children is not means tested.

OP, I agree that therapy could help self-esteem.

But also Please ask your GP about other services connected to mental health. Where I live, we have people called peer coaches and also support workers who are linked to organisations such as likewise and mind. They are not therapists, but they can be very helpful in supporting people who are ‘lost’ or stuck in a negative rut. They can help with goal-setting or they can help with engaging in activities and provide the confidence and motivation for people to engage.

Would you consider asking your GP about referral to such a service?

I suspect you don't even realise you're doing it. It's just become so natural now that it's become your default.

Even comments that feel/sound neutral to you may well come across as negative to others because your mindset is so negative.

Even you won't even give suggestions a chance, there's not much anyone here is going to be able to do.

Sometimes, when people are feeling very negative, what they want is to hear more negativity about themselves because that in itself is affirming and feels 'positive'.

‘Band 2’ covers hundreds of clinical and non clinical roles within the NHS. It is at the bottom of the banding system and paid about 20p above NMW now. No idea what the OP does as a band 2 but I work within a multi disciplinary team in Cancer & Diagnostics, on IT based systems.

As others have said, this is a self-esteem problem. OP, I am sure you are not ugly. Most people are not ugly. Most people are ordinary looking - and that's fine. I think we just have really high standards for ourselves - particularly as women - because we're ruthlessly sold ideas of female beauty which are unattainable for anyone over the age of 18 without tons of money to spend on tweakments and personal trainers etc. Our faces and bodies have been commodified so we think of 'extremely attractive' as the norm. But it isn't.

Men on online dating sites are nearly all absolutely mental - I wouldn't blame yourself for the weird shit and ghosting you're experiencing. If they didn't find you at least somewhat attractive, they wouldn't be talking to you in the first place, so it doesn't make sense that your looks have anything to do with the chats not ending up in dates.

My self-esteem was really low when I was in my mid-20s - I think that's quite normal too. I thought I was fat and plain. I wasn't and never have been. In my case, it was unresolved childhood trauma + ADHD + struggling financially causing depression and anxiety. Obviously that's just me but you do sound very low. It can be really tough just being a young woman. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I just read all your posts and you are so negative that it is really hard to give you any advice, because you come back with an objection to anything suggested. One that really stands out is that you think you aren’t intelligent enough. I am old enough to be your grandmother. I left school with 3 O levels, no A levels, no university degree. I am an intelligent woman. A member of Mensa ( which boosted my confidence) You have attained so much educationally. You are obviously very intelligent. There are not very many of us who are really beautiful. I have never looked at someone and thought they were ‘less’ because of their looks. And I have never liked someone more because they were beautiful.
What attracts me to people is confidence, kindness and a sense of humour. Be kind to yourself. I look back on photos of myself when I was young, when I thought myself fat and unattractive and wish I still looked like that. Now my hair is white and my skin is wrinkled. I have a resting bitch face which makes me look like my dad at the end of his life, which looked ok on an elderly man but not so much on me. But people seem to like me, I try to be kind, and that’s more important to most people than what I look like.

I'm going to be really blunt here @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers , I don't believe you when you say you're ugly.

You also say you're not intelligent, but the fact you've got 2 degrees of a decent standard, along with all your other grades say otherwise, so how can we trust what you say about your appearance.

My DP has very fine hair, she also has crooked teeth. Neither of those things make her ugly, and given that the NHS didn't think your teeth needed fixing, I very much doubt your teeth do either.

I don't think it's your looks that are putting men off from dating you. You're getting people talking to you on the apps, when literally all they know about you is from your pictures, so that's obviously not the issue. They're not running a mile until they've had a conversation with you, which suggests that something in those conversations is to blame.

Your utter sense of self loathing about almost every aspect of yourself comes across loud and clear in these posts, I strongly doubt your managing to hide it all that well in conversation with others, even if you're trying to.

As others have said, you need therapy. You have a mental health issue, and it's stopping you from seeing anything positive in yourself. Your looks, your weight, your intelligence, your job, your personality aren't the problem.

Your mental health is. Take steps to fix that, and you might find the other issues you think you have are rather less than you thought.

Do your hobbies like hiking involve other people? If not, join a group, join other groups where people get to know your personality rather than focusing on how you look. Dating apps are so judgemental. I’d never use them as I don’t photograph well. You’ve got two degrees so you aren’t unintelligent with nothing to offer but you need to do things that you shine at. You say you are good at baking, well what about a cookery course doing evening classes which focus on other cuisines or knife skills, cooking fish and so on so you can cook interesting healthy meals. I’ve done some on Groupon and they aren’t very expensive.Book a personal shopper to pick things out for you. It is free, you don’t have to buy anything but you might find a style that helps your self esteem. Your weight loss is incredible, take pride in that. Go and have a chat with your dentist to see if there is anything they can offer in terms of a payment plan and find exactly what needs doing and how much. You can save up if necessary. You sound very defeated at the moment but there are plenty of things you can do to boost your self esteem and confidence. These aren’t overnight fixes but will gradually improve your outlook on life.

Eeyore syndrome is a real thing btw.

https://ph.jobstreet.com/job/88744760#sol=bbb12e5a3b77a3baac12f047a21e1af9536872bc

There's an actual paying job she's qualified for overseas.

A depressed family member went abroad for a job stayed six years.

A friend went abroad volunteering, got a job. Met a guy, married now with family. Only comes home to visit family. She's living her best life as a size 20 plain looking woman.

Eyeore syndrome does drive people away so needs addressing .

So what is the chatting like before you're blocked?

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

Why do you think you couldn't practice in crime? You clearly do meet the academic standards?

Im sorry I haven't read the full thread but as an older person, I now realise that when I was younger I was much more beautiful than I ever gave myself credit for. I, like you, criticise my body now still but im trying to be aware that I'm my worst judge. The things I notice arent thee things other people notice.
When I was 18, I went on a group adventure and part of that is we all had to write down something nice about everyone else anonymously. The things people wrote were really much nicer than I thought possible. Those are the areas of my body I still appreciate because my own self judgement has been overwritten.
Focus on the good parts and be appreciative of what you've got.
Lots of love from the big bellied girl with bad hair and funny nose, also known by other people as the girl with great hair, pretty eyes and the best rack that he'd seen 😆

It sounds like you have such chronically low self-esteem OP. Have you ever done anything to try and work on learning to like yourself? I don't mean cosmetically, I don't mean your appearance. It sounds like you feel utterly worthless, but you're really not, and that's where you need to focus your energy.