I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

I've read your post. I think I've read most of the posts - so much kindness and wisdom here. I'm not sure if the OP just thinks we don't "get it" (spoiler, we do) or she is feeling a bit truculent because she's been called out for not responding nicely, but there is some very valuable advice on this thread.

If I can just me-rail for a minute (that is the right expression, isn't it?), I feel terribly unattractive, particularly since menopause. My hair is thinning, my face is starting to resemble a fat Great Dane, and my skin is really fucked. Fortunately where I live it's easy to get a dermatologist appointment.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Maybe just to say we all have times in our life when the outside of us looks awful, or we perceive it that way. But the outside of us is only part of us. Ultimately, would we rather be remembered as kind and funny and generous, or pretty? For me, definitely the former.

I've been thinking about this thread over the last few days, thinking it's a pity when these are stuck in AIBU, where the thread becomes so unmanageably large that I suspect the OPs never even read most of the replies. I wonder, by comparison, what would have happened if this were posted instead as a mental health subject.
But even though I figure it's likely mine wasn't read, I wanted to add that, maybe above all, OP, even if you feel it's hopeless, make sure you hold only to that very commendable weight loss. Don't backslide. Don't give up and let the weight accumulate again. That was a great accomplishment. It can be your new starting point.

I have always really liked a smile with a gap. Your mum thought you were perfect. I think she may have been wise, natural imperfections are making a comeback!

Fuck me- that’s your answer to that post?

I think I’m seeing why you’re single, and it has nothing to do with how you look.

I see loads of people with worse prospects than me and think how the heck do they have a partner and I don't? It really is all about your mental health though. I always thought it would just happen for me later in life but I actually don't have any chance because I now have incurable cancer. I've come to terms with it.

I'd strongly recommend therapy and working on loving yourself because you will never find someone until you learn to do that. Life is precious. Don't waste it by hating yourself.

Can you point me to the examples of OP being a "lovely person"?

If she follows your advice and gets help with her mental health there is no reason why she can't become one.

And WTF are 'vaneers'? Maybe if people concentrated on more important matters, they might be happier.

OP you sound like a lovely person and although you believe yourself to be unattractive, I suspect you're ordinary looking, like a lot of us! Your weight loss so far is fantastic, your health will be better for it and I really should follow your example. I'm 52, so around twice your age and I remember feeling ugly in comparison to friends / peers.

In my teens and 20s I desperately wanted a nose job because I was obsessed with having a huge nose. I used to avoid sitting next to people or being in situations where I might be seen in profile. It had a disproportionately large effect on my life. It turns out I had a form of body dysmorphia, where my impression of myself didn't match the reality. Therapy helped so much and I can now see that my nose is in fact very ordinary. Investing in your mental health is the best thing you can do, along with being around people who help you to feel good about being you. Others have made helpful suggestions about how you might meet and connect with others and I hope you're able to do some of those things. I sincerely wish you the very best x

Look at how they take the piss out of Judy Finnegan, Pierce Brosnan's wife and Fern Britton.

That’s an incredibly unhelpful and actively damaging post that says more about your own insecurity than anything. Suggesting that women who don’t diet or drug to lose weight and have surgery or dental veneers to ‘improve’ their appearance are ‘lazy’ is both ridiculous and misogynistic.

It’s so sad that you feel this way about yourself. I think if we are being honest appearances ARE important and it’s a fact that appearances help you get ahead and it obviously impacts your happiness. I’d do everything that I could to fix it.

I was not a naturally beautiful person but made the absolute best of my appearance and changed it through some subtle surgeries.

I am happy and successful in many ways and I think a huge amount of that is down to appearance.

Nose and teeth could be fixed in turkey with natural Vaneers’s (go for a shade 4 or below to avoid “turkey teeth” look) for a combined cost of £4500 then say £700 for flights and accommodation for the week it would take. Take a loan or borrow the money from family and repay over time.

Lose the weight, diet if you can or weight loss injections. At less than £200 a month I bet you would save that amount on convenience food.

I really do think no woman is truly ugly and just lazy. You can fix it if it matters to you.

Rather than fluffing about I hope this advice is helpful to what you are struggling with.

I have to say that society in general doesn't help those who feel badly about themselves. I gained weight over the past couple of years, but when I look in the mirror I quite like what I see. I think I am an attractive person. I look different from when I was thin of course, but I don't think I look worse. HOWEVER, the message from society is that what I am is equal to ugliness. Look at the way the media deals with celebrity weight gain. It's appalling. So, even if you feel good about yourself the media will surely tear down your confidence. I would like to lose the weight, mainly for health reasons, but I have to admit it is also to fit in and be more acceptable. When I lose the weight I will probably be told how wonderful I look now, the implication being that I don't when I am fat, which - in my opinion - isn't true.

I would give a lot to be 26 again (but knowing what I know now, of course!).

Time and youth are absolutely on your side.

If you want braces most private dentists will offer monthly payment plans. You’re 26 and employed full time… ages to save up for the things you want. Especially when done with your jabs… my mates braces were about £70 a month.

Big nose? Doesn’t really matter. There are plenty of big nosed people in the world and they’re not all single. I wouldn’t recommend surgery but that is an option if you save for it.

I’d recommend you carry on with the weight loss - I find the biggest difference visually is between a size 12 and size 18. That’s when people usually drop from overweight/obese to healthy weight. If you can’t see it at that point then it’s in your head.

Most of us Brits don’t exactly have luscious hair compared to other ethnic groups so I wouldn’t stress about that. It’s part of many of our genetics to have fairly fine hair it’s not a big deal. When I tie mine up it’s barely the thickness of a pencil… my husband doesn’t care.

Certainly plenty of people considered ‘ugly’ by the current standards have partners so that’s not the main barrier. My sister is model beautiful and a successful doctor… she’s still single in her 30s. Some people are just unlucky, it’s not a personal failing so stop seeing it as a symbol of how bad you are. It’s luck not deservedness.

The thing is that people who aren’t ugly will always say it doesn’t matter what you look like.
I am also ugly and I wish people would just acknowledge it instead of pretending that I am not. I have dated, but one of my partners once said, when I’d dressed up - you can put a pig in a frock but it’s still a pig.
It has made my life much harder, being ugly. I see the difference in how attractive women are treated and it is huge.
I accept that huge parts of life are not for me / I am excluded from because I am ugly.

Of course in your case it could be low self-esteem talking, I don’t know. But sending solidarity anyway.

As a life purpose, being attractive to men is a pretty low bar (you say no-one has been into you, but have you been into someone? It's not a one-way thing, and please work on your self esteem before some massive creep senses you're vulnerable and swoops in). Kindly, you're 26, you have the chance for an amazing life ahead, which I don't doubt will eventually include a partner and your own home if that's what you want, but that shouldn't define it. Take up space, do things you'e interested in, and enjoy the little time we all have. Also, well done on ditching a job not right for you, that amazing so young!

I suspect the better you feel about yourself, the less you will be upset by your perceived physical short comings. I would suggest starting this journey of self love with self care. Focusing on healing your physical & mental health by feeding the body medicine like healthier food choices, exercise & inspirational reading/watching/listening to books/podcasts on better mental health & life coaching.

Most importantly small bites first. Just something small everyday & build on it. Nothing drastic just small goals each week.

Good luck!

You can’t say all this and not send a picture in 😩

Congratulations - amazing weight loss! You've proved you have courage, dedication and determination by achieving that success. That's part of your character.

At uni I had an acquaintance who was very overweight. Her hobbies included church bell and handbell ringing, and a well known TV series with a huge fandom. She had the best social life because she worked at it.

Time to take control and stop throwing rocks under your own feet, like you're currently doing - you'll only trip yourself up.

Carry on mastering your weight.

Get something sporty going on - a walking group is a great start and very social.

Bump up your hobbies and interests. What do you love? What would you like to try?

Invest in the kind of precision haircut that would suit fine, smooth hair, from an empathic hairdresser.

Treat yourself to hair, skin and body care products. And teeth whitening strips.

Get a professional bra fitting and some beautiful underwear.

And the job - look at other ways to bring money in.

Change starts with little steps.

This is one of the few times I would suggest taking out debt to fund braces or a nose job. I think it would improve your quality of life immensely and would be totally worth it.

I cut back on food at one point to afford therapy. It was brutally hard work, but transformative. A friend of mine does an extra freelance job to afford hers. I’d urge you to try to find a way to manage it.

People of all shapes, sizes and looks find love @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

I think it’s more about feeling at peace with yourself and being open to others. If you’re afraid to smile that is probably going to have a much more detrimental to relationships than having crooked teeth. I honestly think you’d be better off getting some support for your sense of worth and value than doing anything physical. I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities!

Op I have two female single friends who are both objectively gorgeous. You know what? They have had a rough time on dating apps. Dick pics galore and men getting to know them simply to try and bed them then run for the hills.

It is very easy to feel alone, but you are far from alone. Very few people find it easy to form a good relationship.

So the thing to do is not focus on the relationship. You have to focus on changing the conversation you have with yourself about this.

Several of the most attractive women I ever knew were very large, and not “pretty”. Fabulous women who were adored by many men and women alike. That’s not to make you feel bad about yourself- but a lot of people are not as superficial as you think, the people worth knowing.

You have had a tricky time as a child, you didn’t love yourself by the sound of it. And then uni around the lockdown period was very hard. Academically successful but not certain of your next direction in life; wanting to be wanted. It’s a familiar tale but it doesn’t need to define your future.

We don’t really reach maturity until our late 20s - you are still just a baby adult, you have so much time. Devote your energy to yourself “inside” and learn to accept and love all the parts of you. If that means therapy then go for it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.