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AIBU?

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Original poster

My troubled DS WWYD?

30 replies

SpanielLover356 · 25/11/2025 18:04

Sorry for the long post but I don't want to drip feed..

DS (now age 29) was the product of an abusive relationship & hasn't had contact since his father followed us back from (court ordered) supervised contact & assaulted me in front of him when he was 4 years old.

My DS has struggled with addiction issues for many years & has been imprisoned 3 times.

We spent a long time NC as his first imprisonment was as a result of him seriously assaulting me. But while he was imprisoned I was plagued by drug dealers coming to my door demanding money, threatening to go to my elderly mother's house, quoting her address. They even destroyed my car which was parked outside my house. I was so scared for my safety & that of my mother's that I gave them the money - it must have been about £5k.

So, DS came out of HMP about 3 months ago. He's engaged with probation, has stopped drinking etc. I've started meeting him once a week for a coffee in a bid to repair our relationship.

When he came out of prison for the first time, he lived with my mother. She died & I allowed him to live in a flat that I owned that had previously been let out. I didn't charge him rent, but expected him to pay utilities. He didn't do this, disabled the smoke alarms (they kept going off when he burned food), managed to set the flat on fire & left me with a utilities bill of over £700 plus the cost of the door that the fire brigade had to destroy as he collapsed just inside it & they had to break it down to get access. The insurance wouldn't pay out as he'd disabled the smoke alarms.

I married DH about 8 years ago while DS was in HMP - the only time they met was when I had to evict DS from my flat & DH accompanied me in case DS decided to assault me again. DS has threatened to kill my DH, but that was when he was in the throws of drink/drugs so I don't think it was serious, but reported it to the police & DH can't get past it. I don't blame DH for this & still take it so seriously that DS doesn't have our address.

This evening DS rang & told me that he needs a lot of dental work - about £1k worth. I said that I would be willing to lend him the money, but would have to be repaid & I would chase him through small claims courts if he didn't pay. I also said I would go to dentist with him &pay dentist rather than let him have the cash. My DH has gone ballistic asking if I'm mad giving him even more money. DH & me rarely fall out.

So I'm asking AIBU to pay for DS dental treatment?

OP posts:
SunnyDolly · 25/11/2025 18:17

I think you must be mad to offer him a penny given the history. Unless it’s emergency and causing daily pain I can’t see what he needs it for. I do really sympathise with you after all you’ve been through, OP - but you must put yourself first here.

Worried8263839 · 25/11/2025 18:16

Hmm I’d be very suspicious that the money is intended for that. Assuming this isn’t an NHS dentist? Many private ones do payment plans now. It’s hard to say whether you’d be unreasonable to lend him the money, is £5000 paid to drug dealers the only time you’ve had to pay for him or has there been a habit of borrowing/taking money?

Luxio · 25/11/2025 18:14

To be honest whilst I appreciate you want to help your child I can absolutely see where your DH is coming from. Your son has put you and your partner though so much already and even with paying the dentist in person it's a heck of a lot of money that you probably don't just have lying around.

What work does he supposedly need doing for such a sum and is this a case of him only getting in touch when he wants money and expecting you to forgive all with no consequences.

Heronwatcher · 25/11/2025 18:10

What is the dental work? Is it essential or cosmetic? Have you seen evidence of what it is and where he is having it done? Has your DS explored whether it could be done on the NHS?

Also can you and DH afford it or would you need to make sacrifices? Would it be from savings that you yourself have accumulated or from money DH has set aside? Is there any realistic possibility of your DS paying you back any time soon (e.g is he working)?

I must admit that my first thought was that your DS will use it to buy drugs or repay a drug debt and that he’ll never pay you back/ get into more trouble.

cestlavielife · 25/11/2025 18:07

If it is really needed and you pay dentist directly yes. Do not give him cash