Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

Speaking as someone who became very unwell after my mum's death and was unable to maintain friendships, I can say yes, 100 times yes. When I think about the way I ignored people, didn't thank them for cards, didn't respond to messages even when with hindsight I can see they must have been very worried, I feel truly awful. I'm also hugely grateful that when I was able to get back in touch, I was given understanding and no judgement. My friends are wonderful women.

Knowing a couple of people (close friend, sibling) who suffer from severe depression, while it can feel they are ghosting you, from their perspective they often feel so worthless and unlovable that they think they're doing you a favour by withdrawing. The mere labelling of their activity as ghosting carries an intention that may well not be there

I feel a burden and want to remove the dead weight of my friendship the obligation of it and do it as an act of love

I'm not currently seeing someone at the moment because of my depression. The problem is, people who haven't had depression don't know how it feels and the effect it has on you. They think you just feel a bit down and can be cheered up. It's not like that. I physically can't stand having to talk to anyone when I'm depressed. I'm hugely irritable and short. I just want to go to sleep to escape. I spend hours wondering how I can arrange to die and when life will be over. This in addition to the being unable to concentrate, eat properly, do the housework, even my sight and balance are affected. Depression isn’t an emotional disorder, it's a brain mind disorder. It can't be alleviated by a cuppa and a chat. In fact, that makes me feel worse. There's no real solution, but people shouldn't take it personally.

It's hard to make an effort to text when you're not feeling like yourself. It's also hard to meet up when you feel like you're a bit of a misery to be with. Probably best to send a short text saying you're not up to seeing people etc but its not them. I have a friend who won't reply for a while when she's going through it so I understand although then I worry about her but know she has close family who are supportive.Another who did it all the time was simply because she was too busy and would let me down constantly, leaving early when we had arranged to meet up etc. I ghosted her as she didn't regard my time as valuable. That's completely different.

I think sometimes people do reflect later on, especially once they’re out of the worst of it… but not always in a way the friend ever hears about. When someone is very low they can genuinely feel overwhelmed by even tiny interactions, so they disappear without meaning to hurt anyone but the person on the other side is left confused and upset. It doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t care or never think about the impact. Some do look back and cringe at how they handled things, but by then it feels “too late” or awkward to reach out, so they just carry the guilt quietly.
You’re not unreasonable to wonder. Ghosting is painful even with context and you’re allowed to have feelings about it..

So you want them to feel guilty and contact you to ask forgiveness?

It's not about you. And I imagine that once they're in a better place, they feel that they've no right to contact you, having previously 'let you down'

Cheesychickenfucker
Gosh it’s horrible when you’re texting into thin air. It makes you feel worthless doesn’t it?
I then feel shit about myself for needing the friendship so much and it becomes something huge that I start obsessively worrying about!!!

I've cut a couple of people off over the years because the friendship was not good for me, so not depression. I've said farewell, so not totally ghosting but explained no further because people won't want to hear it anyway. But I would never have the cheek to get back in touch or expect forgiveness even if I had ever wanted to, that seems unreasonable.

IME of being the depressed ghoster, I just think “I’m a shit friend , she must think I’m a completely selfish cow, she’s better off without me, I feel ashamed that I can’t maintain relationships” etc etc. I then wouldn’t have the confidence to bring it up and would just accept I’ve lost a friendship and it’s my fault .

I imagine people prone to depression would feel shit about their behaviour and it just adds to the ‘evidence’ they have in their head that they’re a bit rubbish.

Sorry you’ve been through it , I imagine she does feel bad about it

I've lost friendships when in the midst of deep dark depression and it's partly because my depression was so loud that I didnt have capacity to cope with anything. And partly because I genuinely thought it was better not to see people than continually cancel plans last min. No-one knew I was depressed and I was too ashamed to tell people and ask for help, even when I nearly killed myself no-one knew.
I feel guilty all the time but it was never about them, when you're in crisis you don't think rationally. I was never horrible or mean, just let communication slide.

Yes, and I have felt bad about it. And I've been ghosted by a friend and it was really hurtful and upsetting and took me a while to accept it. Probably I looked really pathetic in my attempts to reconnect and it still smarts that she dropped me.

But still I have have done it to other people since.

Ignore my post, I read on and saw you meant from the other way around

I'd love to know the answer to this as I was diagnosed with clinical depression at 16yo and every single one of my friends disappeared without saying anything. That's partly why I don't have friends now because I don't trust anyone enough to believe if it happened again they wouldn't just do the exact same thing

I have a friend who is doing this to me. It has been a theme throughout our friendship and I am getting to the point where I have had enough of them thinking their mental health is always more important than mine, since I've had depression and difficult times too. I feel like I'm texting and calling thin air and it is really having a negative impact on me. I don't want to walk away from the friendship, but it doesn't feel much like one when you get ignored time after time. I feel l Iike I'm some kind of harassing idiot and I'm annoyed that I have to feel like that because they can't just text thanks, but I'm not up for talking now. I'm really not sure what to do. I don't want to abandon them, but I really feel like my contact is not wanted.

Mmm. This happened to me about 7 months ago. I posted here about it. A good friend texted me and told me to go away and leave her alone. She said she didn’t want any friends. I sent her a note, which some in here said was intrusive, but I wanted her to know I was still there for her.
A few months later she messaged to say it wasn’t anything I’d done.
its very hurtful but I think it’s hard when someone is struggling for them to care about friendships and maintaining them.
Id imagine when that person feels better, it must be hard to try to reconnect with the friends they dropped.

Most people who are that depressed think they are doing their friends a favour by not speaking to them.

I've never ghosted a friend during a depressive episode. I've occasionally softpedalled on social stuff because I've felt like I'm approaching burnout and need down-time and feel I can't just say that to people's faces without them trying to coax me out of it.

For example I have a regular group of university friends who I see once every 2-3 months. I love them to bits and they are supportive and lovely but they can be a bit inflexible about social events and sometimes if you say "I'm busy/stressed/tired, I can't do this one," you'll get a lot of guilt-tripping and persuasion. If I'm in the thick of dealing with something really big, I don't want to also have to be managing stuff like this -- its too much. I make a point of not doing it on a repeat basis but every now and then you have to be able to back out of things if you can't manage it without

This is honestly what white lies are for. Sometimes its just easier to say you're ill.

But full on ghosting is shit.

Yes. I regret losing touch with lots of people. It was an affliction not a choice though. The only people I can be long term friends with are people who can welcome me back without judgement (often we take it in turns tbh). I wish that was not the case but I wish I was never depressed for lots of other reasons too.

I might think of them occasionally and hope they are doing well, but if it’s from a different part of my life - particularly one that I don’t have positive feelings about then I don’t want to go back and explain my private life to them. I also don’t think that my friendship was so important in their lives that they’d care to have me pop up months/years later.

Is it the person who is depressed doing the cutting off? If so, they are probably suffering terribly and cannot consider the impact of their actions. Or they might just be trying to make themselves feel better if the person they cut off is harming them in some way.

If they seem to have moved on from their episode but haven't got back in touch, I'd assume they are aware they didn't handle things well and are ashamed or afraid their efforts to reconcile may be rejected. That would imply an amount of reflection.

Or, maybe they didn't feel supported during their depression and don't think the friendship is worth persevering with. Or maybe they simply don't care.

It's a very open-ended question and totally dependent on the individuals in question.

Well, none of us know about the specific people that you’re presumably thinking of, OP, but if you valued the friendship and would like to resume it, it may be worth contacting the person in case they feel they would get a hostile response from you because so much time has passed.