Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

This is 100% how I felt with depression. I would wake up every morning and wish I had died in the night. There were many times when I could not summon up the energy to get out of bed and brush my teeth. Replying to a text was often beyond me. Actually seeing someone would have required a huge effort that would have meant I could do literally nothing for the next few days (such as making a decent dinner). Added to that I was ashamed to see people: ashamed that they would see me as I was, and ashamed that I couldn’t give my friends and their own lives and concerns the attention they deserved.

I don't think it's necessarily about "asking for forgiveness": it's a reasonable question to ask.

One of the cruelest ironies about depression is that it tends to make people very self-centred and often dull and difficult to be around just when they need people most (which presumably is partly why they drop other people). It becomes a self-perpetuating spiral of paranoia, distancing and guilt which leads to people abandoning friends in order to preserve some distance or protect their own sanity. This is entirely understandable as a response to a crisis, but its not ultimately a great strategy to drop people every time you have a depressive episode or life just gets too difficult.

Being able to reconnect with people where there's been a breach or a distancing can be a really life-affirming thing to do. It's a tragedy if people are so consumed with guilt or shame that they don't feel they can re-engage with people .

In my experience saying: "I'm really sorry, I fucked up, I wasn't really myself" goes a long way to rebuild relationships but many people don't have the balls to actually say it: they become hung up on how badly they've failed so they just don't do it. The earlier it's done, the more effective it is. Beyond a certain point, people are far less likely to want to rekindle friendships. It's a case of striking while the iron is hot.

I suppose I've gradually ghosted a group of friends by not attending get together. They are lovely people but when I'm depressed I can't deal with meeting up. Even when I am well I get myself worked up and then when I get home I spend hours questioning myself. Did I talk too much? Not enough? Overshare? It's just easier to let it go for me.

I haven’t had depression but DD2 has and when she’s at her lowest it wouldn’t even cross her mind that people might miss her or be hurt that she hadn’t been in touch. She’d be thinking that the world would be better off without her in it, asking her to communicate anything would be asking too much tbh. Not sure how she’ll feel once she’s better because she’s still in the middle of it all now.

A little empathy would go a long way. Clearly you have never dealt with a depressive episode yourself or you would know that most people don't just snap out of it. Getting over a depression is a slow process that takes months, if not years. You don't just come back and say sorry. It's a slow struggle out of a chasm and you can only see so much during that struggle.

Also, you want an apology for something people have no control over? You want an apology for someone else's suffering? People's don't deliberately "ghost" during a depression. They turn inward and can't see the outside world for what it is, only a warped and selective concept of it.

There's been a few very similar threads on this subject lately, with a very similar tone and subtext. Is this you too?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5449260-to-wonder-whether-people-ever-think-about-the-friends-they-ghosted-or-dropped-for-no-reason-especially-when-they-did-it-badly-or-hurtfully?reply=148736550

My answer's the same as it was in that thread:

People rarely, if ever, ghost someone for no reason.

Often, the reason Person A might ghost someone is because they are fully aware that, if they try to explain to Person B why they're going to stop contact, Person B will react in certain ways. One of those possible reactions is that Person B will not be able to accept Person A's decision to stop contact, and will want to keep pestering them for 'closure', explanations, apologies, arguments, reconciliations etc. In those situations it's often better for Person A's wellbeing and sanity to simply stop getting in touch.

This tends to be the case when Person B has a track record of dwelling on such things obsessively or not being able to let things go.

I'm sorry if you've been hurt by someone ghosting you, but you need to accept it and move on. Dwelling on this isn't helping you.

Beautiful description. Beautiful and perfect.

🌺

I realized I inadvertently ghosted one friend when I was dealing with multiple pregnancy losses due to my disability.

She had sent me and DH an invitation to her wedding, but we had absolutely no recollection of receiving it. We found it years after the wedding when moving house and just stared dumbfounded at it like WTF?? I guess we were dealing with a lot at the time ☹️

I had been vaguely aware that she was no longer in contact, but she had also had pregnancy losses and then was pregnant, so I had just assumed she was happy and busy with the new baby.

I am quite gutted about it tbh, but it feels too long ago to try to fix now.

Interesting to read the responses.
I have found his very difficult with a particular person in my life who repeatedly shuts me out for long periods with zero explanation, despite knowing I get very worried. I care for them deeply but I think it is selfish as it would only take 20 seconds to send a very basic explanation via text. Then I’d know what was happening and that it wasn’t something I’d done. It’s hard for me to feel relaxed with them after they come back as I’m hurt / expecting it again.
I’ve been through huge traumatic events in my life that could have ruined my MH entirely and there’s certainly been depression attached to that. And I never ghosted anyone I respected.

But why would you jump straight to assuming it's because they think you are a terrible person?

If one of my friends disappeared from my life I would assume something terrible had happened to them. I would worrying if they were ok.

Immediately thinking it is your fault is a bit strange IMO.

I tell people they don't need to reply. Having been the one who withdraws, this is what I would want to hear. I just let them know I'm thinking of them, and they don't need to respond or say anything.

I do get that it's hurtful to feel ghosted, and those feelings are valid. It's just that it's very much an outsider's view, and shows that you don't understand depression. Which is also valid and OK, because tbh I'd rather NO-ONE understood depression, because you have to have it to understand it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

but what PPs have said about the depressed person's view of what they're doing/have done is spot on. It's not based on rational thinking.

And when you do eventually come out of a depressive episode, it doesn't mean everything is all super dandy and you're fine. You still have depression, you're just not crippled with it. And if you're shamed by others for things you've done when lost in the fog of depression, it just makes you feel worse. So you avoid making contact. And on and on it goes.

Honestly, I have cut contact with a few people during depressive episodes. At the time, I wondered if it was rational or the influence of the depression making me not think straight and I did wonder if I would later regret isolating myself. But I don’t. Once in recovery I could see that these people were in one way or another causing me stress and cutting them off was actually the right thing to do.

Sorry you weren’t shown more understanding. I totally understand how you must have felt x

I currently have a friend who is, so I believe, to be in a severely depressed place. Literally went from seeing her at an important event to nothing, literally overnight with no build up or signs this was happening/going to happen.

I have had depression myself, although not as severe so I have a level of understanding. I message her every 2/3 weeks with a brief message or send the occasional appropriate gif. I’ve continued to send birthday cards and have also left flowers at her door just to let her know I’m thinking of her fondly. She always replies, even if it’s just a heart emoji so I know I’m not being ghosted, she’s just having a really difficult time. She’ll be back when she’s well again.

I imagine oftentimes they do reflect later and regret it but I guess I don’t know.

Sadly it seems that when people are depressed they can't cope with much so they probably let friendships slide. I would hope they get back on track. I meet up with one group of friends each week and I always make sure they are feeling ok about things before any other discussion takes place.

My problem is physical rather than mental health, but in a severe flare up I have unfortunately had to abandon friends to focus all my energy on recovering and getting well. I don't expect it is any different for people with depression.

It's survival mode, it's not personal.

Luckily my friends are all great people who are always happy to reconnect, even if it's months later. We are just pleased to see each other, have a big hug, and carry on from where we left off. Some of them also have physical and/or mental health conditions, so perhaps we are more forgiving of each other.

I think you’re right @saraclara, they feel embarrassed about their behavior. It’s horrible for their friends though.

I disappear into my shell when I’m anxious (diagnosed with GAD) so what I do is tell my close friends that I’m feeling down and don’t feel up to chatting/texting/going out and they understand. I’ve realized that it’s far better to be honest and close friends will always understand.

If an acquaintance invites me to something, I pretend that I’ve got a bug or can’t make it for some other reason! It’s better than ghosting which is so hurtful.

@SageSorrelSaffron I agree that if the depressed person can text close friends to say that they’re feeling down and won’t be in touch for a while, that’s by far the better approach.

I think you might have to be careful though and consider the impact on others. . I had a friend who occasionally would ghost me. Sometimes for months. She would come back and say she was depressed and I would say 'I understand'.

25 years on though- the last ghosting was nearly 4 years. Prior to that before going silent she once again attacked me personally. That was always what would happen before a ghosting. She lives 4 doors down from me. She 'came back' and said she was sorry, btu I said this time 'No. Not good enough. I am there for you repeatedly, and I am tired of it now'.

Cue major temper tantrum. But I'm done. The support has been one-sided. The apologies no longer seemed sincere.

Yes, I was absolutely savaged for expressing (here!) that I felt hurt that I had been ghosted and found out much later it was due to depression.
it certainly made me feel worthless too. (But not being depressed, my feelings count for zero)

I’m bipolar. My mental health isn’t for my friends to manage. If I’m having a tough time it’s ME that steps back after telling them I need time and then I get therapy or put a new routine in place. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice if they message me or suggest a get together but they aren’t my emotional support animals.

So how should that work in practice?

If you’ve been ghosted - you don’t know they’re depressed - you think it’s because they think you are a terrible person and want nothing to do with you. (Which to be fair you have basically said is the case). How is someone supposed to be supportive when contact is fully withdrawn and seen as needing attention.

Probably a variety of reasons? some might feel embarrassed to reach out again, some might prefer not seeing the person, if they realised for whatever reason that interaction was making them feel worse. Maybe some might not think about it ever again. I think people are all different with different approaches.

Agree 👍

Ghosted lots of friends in the past due to being very physically ill but never considered their feelings unfortunately 😔