Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

How are they ‘meant’ to handle their mental ill health?

I've had depression and anxiety (officially "mixed anxiety and depressive disorder'") most of my life. Yeah I go off grid for a while during bad periods. When I'm at my worst I struggle to care for myself on a basic level, like it's a win if I brush my teeth and shower and sleep normally. I have got better with time at expressing this to people, and I have many friends with depression who also have the same struggle. My best friend has been through a lot and sometimes when he is at his worst he drops off grid. It hurts but also I know why because I've done it. All I can do is show I care, but in a low demand kind of way. So if he posts on Instagram I like it and leave a supportive comment, just so he knows I'm here when he is ready again.

One of my oldest friends got really angry about my tendency to drop off. He thought it was a sign I didn't care about him. I care so so much about him, his wife, their baby, but I just had nothing in the tank to show it. I started sending voice notes to people as a way to stay in touch and that has helped us a lot. But sometimes even that is just...so much. So sometimes I post on my close friends story and say hi everyone it's a bad time, I'm working on it, I'll reply when I can. That helps too. But it's also scary and vulnerable and feels very me me me, if I let the intrusive thoughts win.

I am on meds and have been for over a decade. I've been in four rounds of therapy and currently on round five. I have a stressful job. It's hard but we do try, and we do care, but you do have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can turn to others.

I hope you can see OP that it's really not about you or anything you've done. It's just hard to keep functioning and yes I have lost people for good. I do feel shame, regret, but I also can't do much about that now. All I can do is try again and keep being honest with people about how I am feeling.

My wonderful best friend (for 20 years at the time) cut me off when I went to moan about work. I left the place & realised I was depressed…

Yes, I've silently cut friends out during a depressive episode when I've felt perceived rejection. I then feel even more shame when I realise the errors of my ways. I kind of hate myself for it, to be honest.

Exactly this for me….

I’m sorry for your losses firstly. That just have been a dark time. Here to say it’s never too late. A small message saying what you have just written - maybe the outcome won’t be a renewed friendship but your old friend knowing why you never responded may touch them. Life is short. I’d reach out x

I think there is a lot of truth in this, although would say its a symptom of the mental health crisis rather than a personal failing. My ex with mental health problems had fallen out with/ ghosted so many people it was quite excessive. I have had other friends disappear and come back with an apology about how they weren't coping. I lost touch with a lot of friends myself after a bereavement and its taken effort to reconnect again. So in summary I think there are lots of scenarios really!

My depression is shame-laden, so the moments when I realize that I, in my depression, let people down, lost friends, missed important moments are enough to break my heart and send me into a spiral. I mourn the things I lost because of my mental health.

So yea, some of us think about it.

thank you for sharing that - maybe it was easy maybe it wasn’t but meant a lot to hear someone else who has gone through similar x

This.

Describing it as “ghosting” is quite value-laden and negative. And couches it in the same terms as when one actively chooses to end a romantic relationship in a cowardly and unkind way.

Some mental health conditions (like the one I have, and with which I’ve been housebound, recently hospitalised, and cut-off from any normal social contacts since June) are equally as critical / serious / disabling / life-threatening as if a friend was having cancer treatment, or had a spinal injury or had been on dialysis….

Yet somehow I don’t think you’d be feeling “ghosted” if your friends had gone low-contact with you throughout their life-saving chemo - would you? I’ve been physically, emotionally and psychologically unable to maintain contact with most people. I’ve been unable to care for myself. I’ve had utterly nothing left in the tank - a total catastrophic mental breakdown. For 4 months I’ve not washed / been able to do shopping / been able to understand how to do the basics to care for myself. I clean my teeth once a week because it’s just been too effortful.

My raft of lovely well-meaning friends, acquaintances and colleagues have been testing for months, suggesting having a catch-up / walk / coffee etc…. Whilst kind of them, I have not been able to respond to anyone. How - when I’m not even able to clean my own teeth and been in the same clothes for 7 days straight? It worries me that I’ll be judged for not being in more contact….. but it’s just how it is.

Hearing this post saying that this is “ghosting” is just really bloody depressing.

I hope your friends are ok, and hope they’re not being judged too harshly by other, non-poorly people’s standards.

Depression and ill health take over - the person suffering is more than likely isolating, can’t even think about getting out of bed or even eating, washing. People around them can and I feel should notice something is up. Try to pop round if local, send low level messages, or/ and links to songs or something with messages that don’t induce guilt on the person with ill health. When people heal, it may be that have moved on. I do understand it’s painful of someone is ill and then when better still doesn’t resume contact - people may not be fully better, ill health that’s that severe tends to change people too. If you’re worried about someone ever due to mental health - don’t give up. Keep trying to reach them - especially at this time of year x

Assuming it might be your fault is actually a common problem experienced by poeple pleasers and/or those who have low self esteem. This is usually due to childhood issues and is no more "strange" than someone who might be experiencing depression.

My mother brought me up to believe that if I wasnt polite/nice all the time, people wouldnt love or care about me and my needs didnt matter. So yes, for a very long time I did believe that if someone cut off contact with me, it was entirely my fault for not being "good" enough.

Have you posted something very similar recently?

i was very severely depressed a few years ago and nukes all my social media accounts and basically dropped out of life, so I suppose I effectively ghosted my friends, but when you’re that deeper you don’t think they’ll care because you think you aren’t worth knowing.

I do regret it, because I miss some of them, but by the same token, they didn’t really try to see what was going on with me, so I don’t feel bad about because doesn’t seem like they actually did care that much.

I've done it twice. One I contacted again after about 10 years and we are now back in contact. I apologised to them, they were thankfully very lovely.

The second I do think about a lot. I was very unwell at the time but I do miss them and feel awful we lost touch. Maybe one day I'll find the courage to message them

@GAJLY That’s why I now let my close friends know when I’m struggling so that they leave me in peace! A quick text is enough. 💐

Gosh this is probably me! When I'm going through a bad/stressful time e.g. mum died, dad got burgled, got a new job I detach from everyone outside of immediate family. Because I cannot cope with any more external stressors, as sometimes these friends were actually causing me stress too! With their problems and complaining! I need quiet and time to be alone and power through stuff. When I do come out the other side I realise that I haven't spoken to friends in ages. But I can't bring myself to explain what's happened as I just want to focus on the good stuff. So the distancing has affected my friendships. I do think of the friends and wish that I hadn't withdrawn, but really couldn't help it. It's nothing personal or intentional it's just a coping strategy.

I think about all the friends I let go! I still feel warm and happy about them, but had dropped contact because I just couldn't cope with anything; it was a great day if I managed to brush my teeth. As treatment started to ease the depression, my life was basically in ruins due to the months of not coping. I didn't want to talk to my old friends about that, as they were all doing well in the ways I was not; I didn't want to be a downer. Then it got to a stage where I'd have nothing interesting to say.

Since then - we're talking years - I've been in extremely sparse text contact with one or two of them. It was better when everyone was still using Facebook, as there were loads of ongoing chats: you could just drop in, show interest, celebrate achievements, share funny memories, much as you would if you were all physically together in one place. It was light, undemanding.

You know what, though? Out of my dozens of (ex) friends from way back, only TWO ever asked me how I was doing - I mean, really asked. "Hope you're feeling better" doesn't cut it all. I am not feeling better, if better means back to the lively and fully-engaged person I used to be. Everything has changed. My life's about as exciting as yesterday's dirty dishes. I'm philosophical about this, and willing to talk about it. Not many people want that sort of conversation, though, and I can't say I blame them.

If anyone wanted to get back in touch with a friend whose mental health cut them off, it would be worth trying with a genuinely open attitude.

Well this all seems very one sided, isnt being friends need to work for both in the friendship, there is only so much give that can be given sometimes

It is a two way street or meant to be, but when people start these very similar starting posts it might held to add some context to term first

That's quite extreme. I am prone to bouts of depression, so I have about 6- 8 friends who don't all know each other, so there can be periods between seeing them. It's less pressure on me to update everyone. I'd like to have closer friends but I'm not that stable - my longest romantic relationship has been 4 years.

I think your views on this are weird. Someone who is depressed is unwell. I doubt ghosting anyone is a conscious decision from them, but merely evidence of how overwhelmed they were and how they couldn’t maintain relationships.

One of mine did it (to me and another mum, we met when kids were at nursery). I've never seen her since, for example in the supermarket, so if she does feel bad she doesn't have to think about it much. The other mum did run into her and she said she was depressed, but didn't apologize.

This was me recently. I did not cut them off per se. More just gradually faded away.
No one actually asked how I was, or asked to meet (and we met weekly usually). These were people I had met in MH wards/therapy too.
Now I hear they are bitching about me. So no, I am not going to reach out to them and ask how they were impacted.
I am just trying to build up a social life again from scratch.

In my experience saying: "I'm really sorry, I fucked up, I wasn't really myself" goes a long way to rebuild relationships

I agree @Thepeopleversuswork. that’s why nowadays, I try to let my friends know when I’m starting to go down, before I really go into my shel. If they know what’s going on, they understand and I don’t upset them.