Do people who cut friends off during a depressive episode ever think about the impact later?

I've ghosted people. Never been diagnosed with depression, but generally it was a sense of overwhelm, feeling I wasn't good enough for people, feeling they couldn't possibly want to see me & I was an imposition on them. I think about them often & hope they're doing well. I don't reach out to them as I feel unable to explain or justify why I ghosted them.

I mean, the fact is mental illness is shit. It's shit for the person going through it. It's shit for other people who feel hurt and let down. It's just an awful thing all round. Of course people are entitled to their feelings - it's for everyone to decide for themselves whether they want to carry on with a friendship.

I don't think people realise how long depression lasts either. It's not like you're depressed on Tuesday, but feeling chipper on Thursday so you can meet up with a friend then. You might feel a bit less depressed, but you're not suddenly not depressed and can carry on as normal. Even if you're on antidepressants you still get breakthrough depression and they usually stop working after a while anyway so you're back to square one. Endogenous depression isn't really curable, only manageable.

Depression strikes different people differently but it's safer to assume that whatever you feel is down to selfishness, a lack of consideration, or a dislike of you on the part of the depressed person is not personal and is the depression doing it's horrible work.

That's not to say you shouldn't feel offended or draw your boundaries so that you don't let someone else's depression make you feel crap. Looking after yourself is important so you absolutely ought to do what you need to. It's just that it is pointless to say depressed people (or anyone, in fact) should do anything or feel anything because your thinking or saying that will not alter what is happening inside the depressed person's mind. That might be 'I'm so shit they are better off if I don't contact them' or it might be 'I can't contact them today but I fully plan to tomorrow' (and so on for eternity) or it might be a fully self-absorbed 'can I actually get my feet on the floor this morning' but you can guarantee none of it is pleasant and none of it is about you personally.

This, so many people just assuming the depressed persons friends aren't having their own struggles with mental illness themselves.

I kind of agree but mental health is a reason but not an excuse for basic courtesy in relationships you want to continue. I'm saying this as someone who has been severely depressed and suicidal many times, and has been self absorbed and let people down. Now over the years I've learnt at least other friends are also going through mental health issues and you may just not know, even on a bad time it takes two seconds to send a heart react to a message or a brief message that you're not gonna be in touch for a bit

Yeah, I agree with this. I also think its a bit polarising to paint the situation as if the person who is depressed is the only one struggling.

You cant assume that whilst you are depressed, all your friends are having a lovely happy time oblivious to life's ups and downs. They might also be going through illnesses, bereavements, job loss, divorce etc

We all have mental health struggles - just because they arent formally diagnosed or we havent had the need to see a psychiatrist doesnt mean they arent affecting us.

This is an interesting thread and so many seek to blame any perturbed friends left behind as lacking empathy, have never struggled with depression, should just accept that they were ill and move on.

It is definitely all about the depressed person. Any other feelings are not even secondary, seen as selfish or cruel.

I don’t see it that way. People are allowed to have their own feelings about things and to be hurt, mystified, puzzled and upset.

I'm quite often depressed, and I go through autistic burnout a LOT. I don't have any friends, because I find them hard to keep up with.

However, when I have tried reaching out to old friends (friends from when I was in school, for example, who I might not have spoken to for a few years), they're rarely enthusiastic about it. So when I go through burnout or depression, I don't feel guilty about ghosting them, because they weren't enthusiastic enough to talk to me anyway.

Any long standing friends I did have that I used to talk to often, I have previously ghosted due to burnout or depression and I don't feel guilty for that, either. They didn't do anything wrong, I just don't have the mental energy to keep up with people.

At work people often tell me they feel guilty about this, don’t know how to reconnect with people, don’t think they are good friend or that people won’t want to reconnect. Depression can also be a relapsing condition so it’s not as simple as returning to your old self. I would encourage people to reach out to old friends if you think they are or may be depressed

I've been ghosted but not sure if it was my depression as at that time I was feeling a lot better and more clear but maybe a bit anxiety/PTSD not knowing how to talk about anything but my son (my son and partner were my only people in my life for a while and my son was given medical diagnosis then neurological diagnosis and so many appointments so when we got together (this is a friend I've known since birth and thought we would be friends for life) I kind of just blurted everything out and my son was getting antsy so cut the get together short and haven't heard from her since it's been 13 years i do wonder if i messed up somehow but it's also been 13 years so what can we do I've lost all her contact details and SM accounts.
Though on the same sense I did that to other friends and although we aren't as close anymore we still message each other and see each other every now and then.
So maybe really depends on the friend too and how you are too.

I tend to do this a lot. When I get so low and really struggle with my OCD I don’t have the capacity to cope / deal with other people, I just don’t want it. I can’t stand the noise, the expectations, the pressure, the ‘need’ to keep communication open even though you’re not alright.

I’m naturally very introverted, and don’t enjoy having many friends or people near me, whatsapping me, or pestering me to socialise etc, I find it easier to leave people.

I do ruminate on that decision sometimes, and upset myself but I think the OCD makes that worse. My longtime friend understands, but I do tend to always pop back up.

I try not to feel bad about it as I know I’ve done it for a legitimate reason, not just being horrible. You’ve got to protect yourself when it’s needed, and if you don’t even have the energy to care for yourself, I wouldn’t feel that bad about attempting to prioritise myself.

Sorry, what a waffle! X

It is quite cruel to call it 'ghosting' when the poor person was just too ill to be able to contact people.

Well said ❤️

I regret ghosting certain friends more than ending my marriage if that answers your question OP. But I will say that I jump around like an excited puppy when they reach out to me , but unfortunately only those who truly understand my affliction or are robust or totally adore me will do this.
Such friendships aren't for everyone and I fully understand that.

Interesting question. It happened to me but I'm not even sure if my friend was depressed as I had just given her news of a happy event in my life and she ghosted me immediately after. She had been an anxious person generally, but I guess I will never know what happened or how she felt about it.

I did feel devastated though. You can have compassion for people with MH issues but still feel sad and upset by their behaviour (intentional or not). She never did contact again and I was left to mourn the end of the friendship which had meant so much.

I’ve cut friends before, l during pmsing. When I was younger, I regretted it, but now I realize those friendships weren’t healthy. Their bad behavior would likely have escalated anyway, and the PMS just made me more aware of my intuition.
As for depression, I only experienced it in my teenage years. Nowadays, I wouldn’t judge a friend if they came back and explained their situation, as long as the reasons they cut ties weren’t extreme, like name-calling, malice, or putting me in danger. I understand that a depressed person feel irritation and confusion, and I can empathize with that.

For god's sake, they're ill. If you can't cut them some slack and forgive them for not centring you when they're at their lowest point, then you probably weren't a very good friend anyway.

Such an interesting take on this, OP.

It would never in a million years occur to me to wonder whether friends who shied away from social interaction during a low period ever 'reflected' on it afterwards. If I know someone's unwell and I don't hear from them, I assume it's too much and that they'll re-emerge when ready. I don't think they 'owe' me connection or updates.

Ditto when I have felt low; I absolutely shrink away from the glare of social interaction, and, luckily, my friends do not think worse of me for it.

I know friends are not therapists. That is why they had no idea what was going on with me. I did not want to burden them.

Oh, wait you are saying that the person having the depressive episode cuts people off?

That's perfectly understandable behaviour if having mental health challenges.

Such is life, friends who cannot understand that are not friends at all.

Bottom line, it is not ok to have massive expectations of anyone, and if they vanish from your life they have their own reasons, so respect that. You don't have any choice in the matter anyway, people do what they do.

Bottom line, friends aren't therapists, and offering too much intervention is bad for the person being pushed to offer it. It is also often bad for the person with mental health issues.

For example, a friend not having proper boundaries around phone calls/visits/how much they can do will burn out pretty quickly. The person with mental health challenges will come to expect them to be available, and then they simply will no longer be able to manage that for any number of reasons. And out of desperation and to protect themselves the

It is always kinder to simply say no to excessive demands from people with mental health issues, right from the beginning, as they are unsustainable. But most people only learn that several months in to being pushed into the role of support person. That's when people vanish, as it is just far too much and they cannot deal with it, no longer want to, do not want to be shamed or guilted for just being an ordinary human dealing with their own stuff.

Even worse can be those who really do make their whole life into supporting their mentally unwell friend, those people often have their own personality chalenges.

Therapists and care workers have supports in place, psychologists etc have to debrief with other psychologists because the weight of other people's struggles is too difficult even for trained professionals without other professionals to support them.

Friends aren't support workers, carers or therapists and they have a right to draw their own line in the sand. It's always safer, fairer and better to leave mental health support to those with training in the field.

They don't. That is why some disappear and don't bother their friends at all.

This. When I was (am?) really bad, I am convinced that I'm doing everyone a favour by withdrawing and going quiet. I am convinced they're relieved.

Once I'm out of the black hole, I will message them. My brain fog will have lifted. I'll be able to make conversation. I haven't yet had anyone not take me back, but I'm prepared that it could happen as is their right.

When I'm in a depressive episode I'm completely unable to care for, or about, myself. I sure as hell am completely unable to even contemplate others' feelings. It's an illness, not a personality trait.

Do people who think friends should function as their support human/therapist/caregiver instead of getting on with their own lives and dealing with all their own problems ever think about the enormous and negative impact expecting too much from other people has on them?