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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL never buys presents for grand kids. To not want to buy for her this year?

84 replies

snowhunny · 25/11/2025 12:59

So we have 2 DC under 4 and my MIL has never bought them anything.
Not when they were born, nothing for birthdays or Christmas's .

These are her only grandchildren as OH is the only sibling with kids.
The kids see her every 2 weeks as well.

I always buy her something from the kids for her birthday and for Christmas.
It was one of the DC birthday last week and he didn't even get a birthday card when she saw DC.

AIBU to not want to buy her Xmas and birthday presents?
I know Xmas is about giving but she dosent really make an effort.

Even when the kids have been born we have had to take them to see her.

OP posts:
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FluentOP · 07/12/2025 19:31

Does she put any money into a savings account for them instead ? I would just send her cards from now on if she doesn’t. I love buying gifts for my grandchildren and think that she sounds like a strange person.

YourTidyGreyRobin · 26/11/2025 18:09

PluckyChancer · 26/11/2025 17:48

Sounds like not buying unnecessary tat is normal in her world. It doesn’t make her wrong, just different to you.

I think as she sees the children every couple of weeks doesn’t mean she’s not interested in them. She just doesn’t see the point in wasting money on pointless stuff.

Do you know if she’s putting aside money in savings for them?

But she only sees them because OP takes them round.

Winterwonderwhy · 26/11/2025 17:54

GovernmentFundedSteak · 25/11/2025 15:33

Maybe they aren't a gift giving family? My step- dads family aren't either.

But happy to take gifts?

op don’t give the miserly women anything.

PluckyChancer · 26/11/2025 17:48

Sounds like not buying unnecessary tat is normal in her world. It doesn’t make her wrong, just different to you.

I think as she sees the children every couple of weeks doesn’t mean she’s not interested in them. She just doesn’t see the point in wasting money on pointless stuff.

Do you know if she’s putting aside money in savings for them?

TheatricalLife · 26/11/2025 17:44

snowhunny · 26/11/2025 17:34

Yes step dad is still on the scene, he just stays in his room when we visit.

I don't think she is overly nice, I find her quite cold and distant, OH puts her on a pedestal.

I actually really feel for your DH. The fact that the step "dad" can't even be arsed to show his face when you visit speaks volumes.
There are far deeper issues here than Christmas gifts obviously, that's the tip of a very big iceberg.
You are doing the right thing by stepping back. Hopefully DH will see the light one day, although I can imagine this will be difficult. My DH had incredibly complex issues with his parents and has been NC with both of them for years (FIL died a while ago). It really took a toll on him and took him a long time to work through it all after going NC. Glad to say he is a much happier man these days.

sittingonabeach · 26/11/2025 17:43

Is she being controlled by stepdad?

Original poster
snowhunny · 26/11/2025 17:34

Yes step dad is still on the scene, he just stays in his room when we visit.

I don't think she is overly nice, I find her quite cold and distant, OH puts her on a pedestal.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 26/11/2025 14:43

Is step dad still on the scene?

ThePoshUns · 26/11/2025 14:34

snowhunny · 26/11/2025 12:27

OH has said that has said that money was always tight at Christmas and birthdays but she always got them cheap presents as she was a single parent for 6 years until she met the younger siblings dad.

The step dad pretty much favoured his own kids as I remember he told me quite bitterly that they all went on a holiday to Florida and left him and sister with their grandparents when he was 15.
I think that is quite awful.

She also allowed the step dad to throw him out when he was 19 even though it was his mum's house.

She really is not a nice person, gifts or not. I’d have the bare minimum to do with her.

Elsvieta · 26/11/2025 14:07

That's up to your OH, 100%. Don't get her anything; he decides what he does. Don't let it take up any more brain space.

Calliopespa · 26/11/2025 12:39

snowhunny · 26/11/2025 12:27

OH has said that has said that money was always tight at Christmas and birthdays but she always got them cheap presents as she was a single parent for 6 years until she met the younger siblings dad.

The step dad pretty much favoured his own kids as I remember he told me quite bitterly that they all went on a holiday to Florida and left him and sister with their grandparents when he was 15.
I think that is quite awful.

She also allowed the step dad to throw him out when he was 19 even though it was his mum's house.

That's so sad.

If i were him I'd just be skipping the gifts, but I agree it's complicated for you to get involved and is something he needs to work his way through.

Calliopespa · 26/11/2025 12:35

Abracadabrador · 25/11/2025 15:39

Follow her lead. It seems like she's been very clear about having no interest in your kids, and doesn't value gifts, so you don't need to give her any thought.

Agree.

She may even be hoping you will stop.

I'd probably do a card, simply because I find a total lack of acknowledgement a bit embarrassing, but if you prefer not to, there is no reason you need to in the circumstances.

TheatricalLife · 26/11/2025 12:35

snowhunny · 26/11/2025 12:27

OH has said that has said that money was always tight at Christmas and birthdays but she always got them cheap presents as she was a single parent for 6 years until she met the younger siblings dad.

The step dad pretty much favoured his own kids as I remember he told me quite bitterly that they all went on a holiday to Florida and left him and sister with their grandparents when he was 15.
I think that is quite awful.

She also allowed the step dad to throw him out when he was 19 even though it was his mum's house.

That's really sad. It sounds to me like he is absolutely desperate for her approval, understandably. I'm not sure what the answer is to that one, especially if he can't see it. I would stick to your guns, but make it clear you won't stand in the way of him having whatever relationship he wants with his mum and of course, he can buy her presents himself.

jannier · 26/11/2025 12:32

snowhunny · 25/11/2025 15:30

No she isn't frail or disabled, and no she never buys me or OH cards or gifts either.

I have already mentioned that im only really be buying presents for the kids this year.

His sisters are the same as well.

Edited

Then I'd say I notice nobody gives cards or presents to each other in your family so from now on unless you buy the DH we will only spend on each other, the kids and my family. Baby can give a homemade card

Original poster
snowhunny · 26/11/2025 12:27

OH has said that has said that money was always tight at Christmas and birthdays but she always got them cheap presents as she was a single parent for 6 years until she met the younger siblings dad.

The step dad pretty much favoured his own kids as I remember he told me quite bitterly that they all went on a holiday to Florida and left him and sister with their grandparents when he was 15.
I think that is quite awful.

She also allowed the step dad to throw him out when he was 19 even though it was his mum's house.

OP posts:
TheatricalLife · 26/11/2025 12:16

snowhunny · 26/11/2025 11:51

Since we had DC I always thought it would be a nice gesture to buy her something from the kids.

Gifts such as Ted Baker wash sets, Ghost perfume, Lush bath bombs etc.

Never got a thank you and it was only when it was recently one of DC birthday (she knew it was his birthday as I was there when OH told her a week before ) that she didn't even bother getting him a card or present I thought I'm done making the effort with her.

I told OH and he just asked me "can't you just get her something cheap?" I said no way as I don't care she dosent get me nothing but she don't even bother with her own grandkids I'm done.

He isn't really keen on Xmas but will buy me and DC presents and small token gifts for his siblings and mum.

Edited

😂 the nerve of him! Glad you've stuck to your guns and said no.

DaisyChain505 · 26/11/2025 12:11

I told OH and he just asked me “can’t you just get her something cheap?”

Why is it your responsibility to get his mum a present???

Tell him you’ve had enough of sorting his family admin and if he wants to sort her something that’s up to him.

sittingonabeach · 26/11/2025 11:54

@snowhunny what his birthday and Christmas like as a DC? Was MIL a hands on mum?

Original poster
snowhunny · 26/11/2025 11:51

Since we had DC I always thought it would be a nice gesture to buy her something from the kids.

Gifts such as Ted Baker wash sets, Ghost perfume, Lush bath bombs etc.

Never got a thank you and it was only when it was recently one of DC birthday (she knew it was his birthday as I was there when OH told her a week before ) that she didn't even bother getting him a card or present I thought I'm done making the effort with her.

I told OH and he just asked me "can't you just get her something cheap?" I said no way as I don't care she dosent get me nothing but she don't even bother with her own grandkids I'm done.

He isn't really keen on Xmas but will buy me and DC presents and small token gifts for his siblings and mum.

OP posts:
rafeal · 26/11/2025 08:31

Tell your husband that it’s his responsibility to sort gifts for his family if he wants to do so. If he doesn’t that’s fine. Your mistake was assuming responsibility for this in the first place. I’m sure it came from a kind place but not your circus etc.

Prelim · 26/11/2025 08:22

How did you get into this habit? What made you think to buy her a gift if she’s never bought you one and your husband has never bought her one? I’d leave all gifts to his family to him.

Springtimehere · 26/11/2025 08:18

This reply has been deleted

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sittingonabeach · 26/11/2025 08:16

@snowhunny are you the one buying gifts or does DH buy them?

CautiousLurker2 · 26/11/2025 08:14

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 25/11/2025 15:33

His sisters are the same

So give them the exact same energy they give you

This - if anyone says anything you respond with : I’ve realised as a family you all don’t seem comfortable with buying each other gifts so we’ve chosen to respect your position and no longer foist unwanted presents on you. Sorry it took us a while to realise, and for any discomfort caused by our generosity, but we’re stopping now.

Cyclebabble · 26/11/2025 08:13

Just drop her a text. Hi MIL, I can see you are not keen on present giving so from this year, we are going to stop. Hope that is okay, let us know if you would like to do something different.