Page 9 | To rethink how we share costs?

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 2025-11-25T12:47:14+00:00

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed! My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break. As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab. Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)? Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine?? Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save. So my questions are: a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday? b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner? Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

Nanny0gg · 25/11/2025 17:15

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 13:08

That's helpful perspective, apileofballyhoo, thanks! My problem is that I cringe from the crassness of having money conversations with people I love. It seems like everyone should be looking out for each other seamlessly and fairly, and the minute you start dissecting this, the niceness is out of the window, if you know what I mean, it becomes very transactional.

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He's tight

Dump him

There's nothing worse than a scrooge

FastTurtle · 25/11/2025 17:14

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:11

I pay for all food/wine/takeaway when he is at my place every weekend. If we go out for a meal or to a show that goes on the joint tab.

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Stop paying for it. Dont buy any alcohol, offer toast and cereal on the morning and tell him he needs to pay for a takeaway later in the day. Just stop doing it.

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:14

cinnamonda · 25/11/2025 16:58

Oh dear OP i understand youbut you really need to work on yourself and mirror the situation/ person in question - when with generous friends mirror them and return their generosity thankfully you are able to, but with your partner you should do the same and mirror his efforts (and resist your concern and thoughtfulness over his spending on you!) - otherwise you will forever be resentful of him.
he probably doesn’t even know how resentful you are feeling because some men just don’t see it, they don’t do it intentionally they are simply wired simply that way.

it is all in your hands and i wish you all the best

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I need to mirror - you are absolutely right!

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wfhwfh · 25/11/2025 17:14

I can understand a bit him wanting things to be fair and upfront with the shared expenses. However, your friends treat him and be doesnt reciprocate - how does he address this? Id have to say something explicit about this because that is mean-spirited.

Ultimately, it is quite sensible to keep separate finances when you have your own families and homes. This is not a problem. However, i would stop subsidising him. If you want him round at the weekend, thats fine. But if you want a weekend to yourself or to make other plans, then do it. If he wants to see you and have a relationship, he needs to organise something. You shouldnt have to buy his affections.

I think your generosity and good manners are being used against you here - and i think that is very bad behaviour on his part.

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:13

Daleksatemyshed · 25/11/2025 17:01

You obviously like him Op but there is a problem here, you've noticed a disparity in your natures, now you can't stop seeing it and your wracking up all the little things into a big pile. You have a generous nature, you like to give people lovely presents, nothing wrong with that but now your pleasure in being generous is being eroded because over and over he doesn't really appreciate it. If he really appreciated your kindness he'd make more thoughtful gestures, instead you pay for a whole bloody house rental and he wants you to pay for your share of breakfast.
It doesn't help that you're both in your 50s because you're both dealt with money differently for years and years, it's going to be an uphill struggle for either of you to change so over time that big pile is going to get bigger and bigger until the day it becomes the straw that broke the camels back.
Stop thinking you need to be more generous Op, match his energy and split everything down the middle, and I do mean everything. If he complains you'll know he was taking advantage

You are absolutely right - that is what is happening here! And, I think this is the conclusion I'm coming to as well - I just need to have a conversation and suggest we split everything down the middle. And, also as another poster advised - I need to mirror him in relation to gifts/treats etc.

It isn't 'me' though and feels off but I guess it is what it is!

OP posts:

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:11

SquareHead37 · 25/11/2025 17:03

Just to be clear op, are you saying you buy all the food and treats and also pay half the joint tab? If so, how much on average is the joint tab?

I pay for all food/wine/takeaway when he is at my place every weekend. If we go out for a meal or to a show that goes on the joint tab.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 25/11/2025 17:10

This all sounds a bit tangled. But he isnt coming across as very generous at all. Either he pays his share fairly or its goodbye

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:09

PeloMom · 25/11/2025 17:06

You have to put on the tab 25% of the accommodation and 50% of whatever you buy while he’s there. While you were going without him anyway, you were going to enjoy peace and quiet and only yourself to think about. Him coming removes that for a week so he needs to pay. I’m 100% sure if it was reversed he was going to ‘put on tab’ so you need to start doing that too. Think of it money to put toward your DC ( and if makes you more comfortable, open an account and start saving for your kid whatever he pays half toward that normally you wouldn’t have charged for and see how that adds up - call it kid fund).

That sounds like a great experiment - to see how much I would save!

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Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:09

OneOfEachPlease · 25/11/2025 17:04

And that is 100% on him! And that’s what I mean about him not seeing the inequity, or choosing not to see it! And that does feel mean because your son may well notice that difference too.

My partner has been in my kids lives for four years And they actively look forward to presents from him because he is thoughtful and a bit random which leads to pretty good presents. I would be really confused if he thought at this stage that only a card was appropriate. (We don’t live together either or anything like that so the situation is fairly similar.)

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oh, that's really lovely of your DP and for your kids :)

OP posts:

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:08

OneOfEachPlease · 25/11/2025 17:04

And that is 100% on him! And that’s what I mean about him not seeing the inequity, or choosing not to see it! And that does feel mean because your son may well notice that difference too.

My partner has been in my kids lives for four years And they actively look forward to presents from him because he is thoughtful and a bit random which leads to pretty good presents. I would be really confused if he thought at this stage that only a card was appropriate. (We don’t live together either or anything like that so the situation is fairly similar.)

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So, you think I should bring up the gifts for my DC too then? I do feel short changed on my child's behalf. My child (like me!) when he sees something fun he thinks my DP will like will say let's get that for him!

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PeloMom · 25/11/2025 17:06

You have to put on the tab 25% of the accommodation and 50% of whatever you buy while he’s there. While you were going without him anyway, you were going to enjoy peace and quiet and only yourself to think about. Him coming removes that for a week so he needs to pay. I’m 100% sure if it was reversed he was going to ‘put on tab’ so you need to start doing that too. Think of it money to put toward your DC ( and if makes you more comfortable, open an account and start saving for your kid whatever he pays half toward that normally you wouldn’t have charged for and see how that adds up - call it kid fund).

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 17:05

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/11/2025 16:41

A pattern you've built up seems to be that you keep giving and giving and giving and expecting that if you just keep silently giving for long enough then eventually it will trigger some kind of gift in return. And you get angry and explode when it doesn't. You really do need to learn to communicate about money. So if he suggests that you bring the wine and you want him to contribute to the cost then ask "so how do you want us to pay for the wine? I can bring some but I've already paid for it so I can't put it on the tab. So how about you get the dinner on Friday instead?" Your silences and explosions are as dysfunctional as his meanness.

I think also there's a difference between doing favours or "treats" for someone and sharing expenses with them. People usually keep track of both but in different ways. Expenses are formal and can use the tab, treats and favours are usually balanced but don't use a tab and they are optional and not so obligatory. It's as if you want to manage everything like a treat or favour with no tab at all, while he acts as if shared expenses go on the tab and everything else is a treat or favour that doesn't need to be repaid.

does it matter that I currently earn much more than him (even though he has much more in savings/pension)?

No it doesn't! It might mean you can afford to treat him with expensive gifts and holidays while he does more favours for you with lifts or DIY, but the basics of life should still be equal and within his means. A treat is still only a treat and it certainly doesn't mean you keep paying out for him until finally he tells you to stop or gives you something in return.

I was also brought up to always be generous to people who had/earned less.

That is patronising and it can be insulting as well. No wonder if you get taken advantage of - you need to learn to talk like an equal to someone who earns less than you.

I have a very dear friend who can sometimes be like this. It's annoying because I have to make extra effort just to keep things fair and sometimes I even have to think of extra ways to make up to her because she is very "oh let me pay" while other friends are much easier because they're equal and upfront about it "I'll get it because it's my turn and you can get the next one".

Yes, I do get that my lack of discussing it, and then stewing and eventually spluttering is dysfunctional. I have to work on that! And, also get what you are saying about paying for those who earn less - it's usually though not friends so much but for instance if I am having a drink with a student of mine, I would just naturally pay for them. With friends we do the gift exchange - I pay this time, they will the next time.

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OneOfEachPlease · 25/11/2025 17:04

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 16:53

I agree!!! This one is on me! I was trying to be nice, but I did breach our agreement.

But he bought my son a board game from a charity store while I got his children nice presents (and there are three of them with partners, and a grand kid, so not cheap). I put it down to his not having a job at the time, but it was my son's birthday a few weeks ago, and he just made him a card. He is great with spending time/effort/playing with my son, so I didn't say anything, but it did feel a bit mean.

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And that is 100% on him! And that’s what I mean about him not seeing the inequity, or choosing not to see it! And that does feel mean because your son may well notice that difference too.

My partner has been in my kids lives for four years And they actively look forward to presents from him because he is thoughtful and a bit random which leads to pretty good presents. I would be really confused if he thought at this stage that only a card was appropriate. (We don’t live together either or anything like that so the situation is fairly similar.)

Darkchocokatetorte · 25/11/2025 17:03

Sounds tedious and boring to me.

SquareHead37 · 25/11/2025 17:03

Just to be clear op, are you saying you buy all the food and treats and also pay half the joint tab? If so, how much on average is the joint tab?

Daleksatemyshed · 25/11/2025 17:01

You obviously like him Op but there is a problem here, you've noticed a disparity in your natures, now you can't stop seeing it and your wracking up all the little things into a big pile. You have a generous nature, you like to give people lovely presents, nothing wrong with that but now your pleasure in being generous is being eroded because over and over he doesn't really appreciate it. If he really appreciated your kindness he'd make more thoughtful gestures, instead you pay for a whole bloody house rental and he wants you to pay for your share of breakfast.
It doesn't help that you're both in your 50s because you're both dealt with money differently for years and years, it's going to be an uphill struggle for either of you to change so over time that big pile is going to get bigger and bigger until the day it becomes the straw that broke the camels back.
Stop thinking you need to be more generous Op, match his energy and split everything down the middle, and I do mean everything. If he complains you'll know he was taking advantage

Titasaducksarse · 25/11/2025 17:00

This has pending cocklodger in the making written all over it........

cinnamonda · 25/11/2025 16:58

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 16:45

I do see it, and I am grateful for all the advice. I just don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater on the relationship.

Our past conversations have led to some changes, to be fair (the shared tab when we eat out or are on holiday - and that is done fairly), but not to a full scale review of our arrangements weekend to weekend. Some of the things like birthdays/christmas gifts are harder as it isn't about equality in costs but symmetry in efforts/thoughtfulness.

Last year for Christmas, for instance, since he was out of work, I thoughtfully told him we could do just coupons (for acts of service) - I didn't want him to spend unnecessarily. I knew he was eyeing some lovely expensive boots so I did get those for him. Then I found his adult children told him what they wanted (not cheap) and he bought those for them. So, to recap, I got coupons, he got fancy boots from me, and his adult kids got proper gifts. I think I contributed to this situation though!

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Oh dear OP i understand youbut you really need to work on yourself and mirror the situation/ person in question - when with generous friends mirror them and return their generosity thankfully you are able to, but with your partner you should do the same and mirror his efforts (and resist your concern and thoughtfulness over his spending on you!) - otherwise you will forever be resentful of him.
he probably doesn’t even know how resentful you are feeling because some men just don’t see it, they don’t do it intentionally they are simply wired simply that way.

it is all in your hands and i wish you all the best

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 16:57

Quitelikeit · 25/11/2025 16:54

Did this guy lose out big time in his divorce?

When you are at a restaurant on the shared tab - does he order the cheapest thing? Is the tab split down the middle or is it per actuals?

He will eat what he likes and we split the tab down the middle, so eating out/holidaying is generally when it is fairest, I think. It's my hosting and the gifting that is the problem, I think.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 25/11/2025 16:55

Oops just seen your update about buying your son a second hand gift from the charity shop - this kind of betrays everything you have said about him!

nope nope nope I would hate this so much

Quitelikeit · 25/11/2025 16:54

Did this guy lose out big time in his divorce?

When you are at a restaurant on the shared tab - does he order the cheapest thing? Is the tab split down the middle or is it per actuals?

Notsandwiches · 25/11/2025 16:53

He's clearly never going to offer to be fair, so you need to advocate for yourself. Tell him that if you're taking the wine you have then he needs to give you half the cost, if not then you'll buy more in the shared tab.
HMRC allows 45p a mile for travel costs. If you work that into his travel, how much are each of you contributing on your weekends?

SquareHead37 · 25/11/2025 16:53

The relevance of you being vulnerable is huge. The lack of financial reciprocity would have revealed itself early on and you overlooked it. This, with your generosity, over functioning and conflict adverse nature made you an appealing option to someone who is financially off. Even now you aren’t saying my partners taking advantage of me so I’m ending it, you’re saying my partners taking advantage of me, how can I get him to be nicer?

Your friends and family loving him means literally nothing. It only means they like the polished fake version of him. What would they really say if they knew that not only is he happily letting you buy his food, he’s so tight and controlling he wanted you to put halves towards his pastry?

And this has gone on for four years. He must owe you thousands. A nice man does not ask a single mum to go halves on his pastry. That was so petty it was utterly ridiculous.

Original poster

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 25/11/2025 16:53

OneOfEachPlease · 25/11/2025 16:47

That one is on you, OP. You told him that the pair of you were going to exchange coupons and then you went and bought him something very expensive. In his situation, I would’ve been quite cross with you because you had made one agreement and then done something else, which in my view would’ve made me look mean through your actions.

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I agree!!! This one is on me! I was trying to be nice, but I did breach our agreement.

But he bought my son a board game from a charity store while I got his children nice presents (and there are three of them with partners, and a grand kid, so not cheap). I put it down to his not having a job at the time, but it was my son's birthday a few weeks ago, and he just made him a card. He is great with spending time/effort/playing with my son, so I didn't say anything, but it did feel a bit mean.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 25/11/2025 16:51

It’s so tricky. You paint a nice picture, to an extent.

I read your post to my husband and he said it’s simple put everything on the tab.

I wanted to give your man the benefit of the doubt but my suspicions were raised about him when you said his car costs should be offset against what you buy when he stays - that really isn’t justifiable and I am
not sure he would feel the same way if you went to him for the weekend.

Likewise, it may be that on a weekend if you went to his, he is so tight, he would go without wine and nice food - serving up beans and toast for example!

I think because you have said there are many positives here then you should raise this issue. However because you find it very hard to discuss in person - you could consider a WhatsApp conversation?

I mean it really is not on that he is leaving you to pay for the seaside trip and is likely to continue to do that in years ahead.

It’s just courtesy to surely pay for the food shop and wine?! Surely.

So I do think you need to tackle this. Money is such an important thing in a relationship and even if he thinks you love to treat people there are some manners lacking on his part and just general lack of consideration for you, I think.

So do tackle this and if it all goes to pot I like the sound of a week in your villa and I will absolutely buy the wine and food!!!