To rethink how we share costs?

I'm the slightly better off of the two of us, and this is how I justify sometimes paying slightly more, to myself. It's not the same really of course, but if we lived together, I'd expect to pay a higher share of bills, in line with my higher income.

So I aim for it to be equal most of the time, butnif we have a weekend where I've cooked most meals and we didn't have wine, I'll live with it.

He is, like yours, very generous with his time and effort.

does it matter that I currently earn much more than him (even though he has much more in savings/pension)?
No. I'd not be booking activities that are beyond his budget, but you shouldn't be subsidising him because of his change of job.

I don't think he's miserly, he just thinks differently to you.

No, it doesn't matter. He is not your husband, you do not owe him generosity.

He is taking advantage of you and your friends generosity.

Warn your friends that the bill should be split when he is with you.

I know a few very "generous" men who are downright nasty. That's not to say all generous people are of course.

DP can appear tight, but I've concluded that what he actually is is straight. He likes things fair, sometimes he needs to have it pointed out that things aren't quite as fair as he thinks, but I think that's basically it. He just wants it to be "right".

Ugh, he sounds like a tight sod.
I think when you have the practical conversation, you could also mention that his lack of generosity is becoming increasingly unattractive (because you mentioned the ick).

An immediate double standard is you paying for all the holiday accommodation because you were going anyway before it was decided he would join you for one week, and how his car expenses are brought into the equation to get out of contributing while staying at yours. Unless he'd be getting rid of his car if you broke up, that is utter nonsense. You should factor in the petrol at most.

And God forbid he should do you a nice turn by helping with some household tasks! He may as well bloody invoice you. Did you mention that you do all the cooking when he stays? Are your labour costs factored in then?

You learned to follow his split tab system, maybe it's time he learned to loosen up a bit. I know you don't want "leave him" comments and this isn't one, but I don't think I could stand such stinginess in a partner - unless I saw some significant effort to change when raising it.

It's only cringe the first time, it gets easier.

But I think you should drop this turd.

Yikes, a cheapsake is always a turnoff.

But he needs to pay for half of the time he's on holiday with you and half of all the costs while on hols.

And TBH even when your kid is there he should be splitting down the middle, its good manners.

Yes, this is ultimately it. I've had the decide whether he's not the man for me, or I'm prepared to deal with shared finances the way he does.

Yes either you both put EVERYTHING on joint account, or you just say every other time “can you pay for this please, I paid for x yesterday” until he gets it. Best just discuss with him which approach would suit you both and stick to it, so resentment doesn’t overflow.

This is one if the reasons I haven't suggested a joint account, which would make sense practically. I think DP would on put everything when we're together, as a matter of course, simply because that's what it's for, that's what we agreed, it's correct. Whereas I'd find it really annoying when he put an ice cream on there and, especially, when he bought snack food to share that I don't want!

But the partner you have chosen is not like this, he is not going to change op, not even if you get upset so either put your items on the shard tab or accept you will be paying more than your share but then you can't reasonably get mad with him even though he deserves it.
You have to make a choice it's that simple or find a man that is like you in this money matter but you didn't want people to say that.

I have a similar arrangement whereby we spilt some expenses via Splid, and take turns with others. If he suddenly said he was going to split coffee and cake, I’d say- glad you reminded me! I forgot to put Thursday’s lunch out onto the app,

He isn't generous and he really does take advantage of you even if you don't want to realise that.
He will not even reciprocate your generosity by paying foe some pastries when you've spent ££££ on accommodation and lovely food for him so now, if you want this relationship and to not feel resentful, you have to put everything tiny teeny item on the shared tab op, you must, it's non negotiable, he won't change.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet , I'm someone with arms that don't easily reach my pockets, and I prefer people to mention that it's my turn to pay.

When I went away with an XP, and I took a set amount in cash and he took a credit card, he only spent at the booze hypermarket, then we spent the cash. It was fine. He then said I was right and he'd been hammered on the exchange rate.

When I dated someone who never paid, I resented paying for everything, and finally snapped when he dived into a burger bar on the way to an unbooked restaurant, got himself a burger, wolfed it, then said he wasn't hungry any more.
Not only was he a cheapskate, he was selfish.

Don't let resentment build up, speak.

Re the weekends, I don't think his fuel costs are equal to your meals/wine/takeaway costs, and as you say, he has the car for the rest of his activities anyway. And if he talks about car insurance/servicing costs, you can talk about gas/electric for cooking the food, washing up liquid/dishwasher tablets, water for washing up and his bathing requirements, soap, toilet roll....!!! Seriously though, I think he should be going halves on the weekend food and he should be treating you on holiday, given that he's getting a free week away. Don't take your wine! And no need to beat around the bush. "I need to talk to you about money. I don't think the way we're currently splitting costs is fair and this is what I think would be fairer going forward."

I would take the accommodation cost out of the shared account tbh. Including the wine.

If it brings him up short - "Why have you paid yourself £1500?" then you explain its now a shared holiday so the costs should be shared.

Likewise for food and wine when he comes to you. If you want to reduce it, so it's just a contribution rather than the whole sum then fine. But him saying a few miles in an electric car is in ANY WAY equivalent is taking the piss.

FTR I have an electric car myself.