I have three sons. The eldest at grammar school and the youngest likely to get a place. My middle son did not get a place. We're in London and competition is high.
My middle son has a high IQ but ADHD, dyslexia and was also quite immature at the time of his 11 plus. He is now at a school that is just right for him, and he sits comfortably in the upper middle, both academically and in sports (he loves sport). He is happy at his school.
I am struggling with intense guilt. It's always there, and I blame myself for not doing things in a different way or not doing better for my middle son. Hindsight. I know I made the best decisions I could at the time, but I wasn't in a great place mentally after lockdown: my emotions were high and I wish I had done some things differently. The big one is that I moved him to a private prep school in Year 5. He wasn't learning very much (class of 31 and no TA. School refused additional help for his dyslexia), and he was being bullied (ADHD was undiagnosed and unmedicated at the time; he would annoy his peers, and said he didn't have any friends).
I moved him to a small prep that I thought that would be better for him. More attention from teachers so he didn't slip through the cracks, a smaller more nurturing environment. The private school also went to 13 and I thought it would be good for him to move up to a large secondary school when he was a couple of years more older. He knew a couple of boys at the new school (they had also moved from his former primary). But the prep school turned out to be horrible for him. He struggled to make friends and was bullied there too. It was worse than his primary school. He did have much more attention from teachers and made the most of all the sporting opportunities. It wasn't all bad.
Though he had wanted to move from his primary school and was on board with it, he changed his mind within a couple of weeks. He was so young, I don't know I believed him when he said he wanted to try a new school.
I knew it was awful when he started crying about going into school after the first few weeks. I could have tried to get him back into his (oversubscribed) primary at that point, but I didn't. He kept on having a horrible time at the new school but he wouldn't tell me about specifics or the bullying, because he felt that when I had intervened at his primary school it had made things worse for him.
And so, he approached his 11 plus with all that upheaval and unhappiness, and his ADHD and dyslexia, and didn't get a place at the grammar school. I didn't give him a fair chance. I don't think the grammar school would have worked for him anyway, but I still struggle with not giving him the same level playing field as his brothers. But then, he had different challenges with his dyslexia, but then I could have done more when he was younger. Read to him more and given him more of my focus.
I am struggling - not because he's not at the more academic school (he has charm in abundance, is so funny and great company - I think he has so many attributes that will take him far in life). I am struggling, because his brothers will have a shared experience of secondary school (and being allowed to finish Year 6 in their primary school), and my middle son will not. And my middle son desperately wants his younger brother to join him at his secondary school.
He asks me why his older brother and younger brother were not moved to different primary schools (he knows the reasons and we've talked about it, but it doesn't make it any easier), and now I fear he'll be the odd one out again, if my youngest son gets into the grammar school. He sometimes even says his brothers don't like him and he feels lonely at home (he does annoy them, wind them up sometimes - his ADHD).
It will resurrect the horrible feelings he had about being the only one that had to move primary schools. I wish I could go back and not have made that decision for him. I think about it all the time. I should have focused on him more when he was little, but we were moving house and I was going back to work. I should have diagnosed and medicated him sooner (it has made such a positive difference to him). I should have not have shouted at him all those times he refused to go to sleep or do his homework or help around the house.
How do I get over my guilt and help my son not feel horrible or different, because he had to change schools, and now won't be at the same school as his brothers.