Guilt over child not attending the same school as sibings

Much of this is: teenage boys, middle sons, teenagers. As someone whose boys are a bit older, the 12/13/14 years are the worse and it does get easier as they mature, and get through the hormones, spots, teenage tantrums stage of early adolescence. You have a rose tinted glasses view of your boys looking back to when they were younger, dressed the same, did the same activities, same days out - and I get this, I was exactky the same. It takes some adjusting to the fact that they become stroppy teenagers, all at different stages, all worrying about different things at different times, you seem to lose the unity, family. I think this is normal you know. Teenagers are meant to go out and do their own thing for a bit, with their own friends. Its part of growing up.

My experience is that they come out the other side. My oldest is at uni and often asks after his younger brothers, after barely acknowledging their existence at secondary school (it seemed to me) but they have all kinds of shared interests and communications going on, I now see. 2 are in the same fantasy football league. Another 2 play the same online game and are in the same clan. 2 follow the same musician. 2 have a shared hobby etc etc. None of this has anything to do with their shared/non shared school. Plus loads of things that are unique to just them. The problem is yours are still too young for you to see all this brother code going on. But you will, I'm sure.

is your middle child on medication for their ADHD. From your latest update it sounds like your eldest is struggling to have a bond with them due to their behaviour.

Definitely focus on family and home activites and don’t make life all about school. At the end of the day they are three individuals with different likes, needs and personalities and being in the same school altogether isn’t the answer for all of them.

You have three boys, of course you want to reassure yourself that you have given them all the same, but you cant. Even if they all went to the same school, lived in the same house with identical bedrooms and matching outfits you would not be able to offer each child the same experience. You will parent #1 different to #2 or #3 - he was your first and he has his own personality. Listen to any group of siblings in adulthood comparing the differences they each felt they had in their upbringing. What is important is that you support each one in their own path and help them develop into rounded individuals who know and accept themselves for who they are. Be careful how the guilt impacts on how you parent everyone, if #2 is doing well in the school he is in celebrate that, acknowledge that you would of liked things to be different but help him appreciate what he has. Comparison is the thief of joy. You do not know what the future holds but if you can teach your sons values that help them appreciate what they have, be kind to others and to find ways to overcome challenges - they will hopefully be able to navigate life skilfully. Your middle son has learnt things his brothers haven't - that doesn't mean you would wish those challenges on the others but try to see how he has developed as a result not what he has lost. You have no way of knowing how the decisions made now may turn out to be in the future - none of us do, so you can't go through life wishing you could turn back the clock, it will stop you see the opportunities that are yet to come.

You've got him to a school where he is happy and settled and that's a huge achievement, particularly for a child with additional needs.
Imagine you could turn back the clock and do things differently. Could you have hoped for a better outcome? DS might have ended up at the grammar school and been deeply unhappy or unable to cope. And you might be posting here beating yourself up about having pushed him too hard.
Honestly don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you're reflective and caring which is just the sort of mum your DS needs.

I think you need to address why this is affecting YOU so much - so siblings don’t go to the same school so what? If he had been a girl chances are he wouldn’t (not sure if your Grammar is single sexed ours are)

Dd went through grammar til 16 and moved for sixth form it suited her (actually until year 11) but it isn’t for everyone

DS went to non grammar that suits him

both agree not having the other at school is a good thing

Children should always go to the schools that are best for them. Not just stuck in the same school just because. It’s easy to throw all your children in one school and effectively be done with it. Same as just picking your closest school.

All of mine currently and expected at secondary level to be at completely different schools because I want the best for them individually.

Shared memories at the same school are not something I’ve really heard of from friends who went to the same schools as their siblings. More older child wanting to ignore and pretend the younger sibling did not exist.

Being at different schools gives them a chance to also not just be Tommy’s brother or sister. They get to be them a blank fresh start where teachers don’t already have good or bad expectations based on their sibling.

He could have been in the grammar and hated it and fail every subject. His happy and thriving in his school and that makes it the best school.

You have a lot of "what ifs" in your post - including the biggest which is that your youngest DS hasn't even got into the grammar school yet! You might have got him diagnosed and medicated sooner, and still ended up in the same place: medication will have helped, but so will his growing maturity. One saying we use a lot in our (quite ND) household is: "we are where we are." You deal with situations as you find them with the information you have at the time: you play the ball where it lays.

You tried what you thought would be best with your DS - and a lot of people would have thought the same! - and it didn't work out. He's now happy in his school. He will understand why you did what you did more as he gets older. It sounds like you're quite honest with him that the school move didn't achieve what you wanted it to, but that you think he's ultimately ended up in the right place - which is a really good narrative for him about making mistakes, learning from them, and learning that they can be fixed.

I would also be quite honest that he might well be a different sort of person from his siblings: lots of siblings are! His brothers are not identical to one another either. Understanding himself, and seeking out people who value him for who he is - regardless of whether he's related to them - is also a great lesson to learn.

I came here to say this too. His brothers are equally different from one another.

I understand why, in hindsight, you regret moving him during primary, but it was the right choice at the time. He was miserable and you made the correct choice in trying to change things to improve his situation. By the sounds of it, you then moved him in Y7, rather than maxing out more time at the unsuitable prep. He is now happy where he is. The choices you made regarding not finishing Y6 in situ were correct. If you hadn’t he would have been unhappy and also not learning! He got more education this way and is now doing well.

I understand the more complicated situation now where he is hoping the youngest will join him. I’m sure you have already had lots of conversations but can you make a point of “right school for the right child” sort of narrative? Middle is happy in the right school for him, as is eldest. Can you talk about other options near you and why they are not suitable for youngest to make middle feel like wider choices are being considered?

You did your best in the situation you were in. You need to recognise that. You never made a decision that wasn't in the hopes of it being in your child's best interests.
You are a person, not an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being. You look back and think you could have done better but so could anyone in any situation.
I'm a teacher and parents often talking about wanting their child to do their 'best'. But what is that? There have to be parameters. Sure their child could do even better if they spent 8hrs a day studying but is this reasonable? Life gets in the way of most things and you have to just trust that what you're doing is for the best in the circumstances you're in.
Your middle son has different attributes and there's every chance that in 20 years time you'll be so thankful for the choices you made as it will have led to him becoming the wonderful, successful person he is.

All 3 of my DC go to different schools. DS, my youngest, is in y7 and, honestly, it's been the making of him. It's his space. His siblings have never been there so there's no 'oh, you're DC1's little brother' pigeonholing. He's just DS. Maybe you could think of it like that, OP? That it's a space for him rather than a missing out?

Mine were all at the same school and they did not have a "shared experience".

The differences between them, their personalities, their year groups and the staff they had means that they each had very different experiences. They are all adults now and their secondary school days are not what they talk about.
They have plenty of other stuff to whinge about...

These guilty feelings are a waste of energy. Your middle child would have hated grammar school - presumably he didn't pass the test to get in, so what's the problem? Different children have different abilities and excel at different things. That's life.

I didn’t go to the same school as any of siblings, and it’s really never been an issue.

Although it may not seem like it now, school is a small part of life. It’s only half a waking day, and only for two-thirds of a year, and only (if we’re talking just about senior school) for one-tenth of an average life span. We did other equally or more important family, siblings in various combinations, and individual things that create a shared past.

Kids and young people make friends in and out of school (my brother’s still closest friend after 50 odd years was at my school, but they met at a shared sport), and will have different interests, so they wouldn’t ever have exactly the same experience - ask my sons, who did go to the same school, not that you’d know it to hear them talk about what it was like.

I don’t believe I am any closer (or not) to my siblings because we went to separate schools, because we have so many other shared experiences.

I think you’re getting a hard time, OP. My DS has ADHD and I torture myself daily over whether we did the right thing sending him to our local academically-driven primary vs a prep with smaller classes. The primary is nurturing and he’s getting a lot of support, but I keep wondering whether he’d have been better off with smaller classes and more sport, music etc. I worry if I moved him now he wouldn’t fit in and would be unhappy.

I struggle to be patient enough with him as he is quite full on, and I beat myself up continuously about not being the mother he deserves.

You are very invested in your 3 DS’s who clearly come from a good home- they’ll be fine. Give yourself a break and just make sure he’s happy at his current school. Worth a chat with your GP if you continue to feel like this as it may be developing in to anxiety.

You need to let go of the past. You really do. You did what you felt was the right thing at the time, which is what most of us do. You need to focus on what is happening now.

Your middle son is happy because he is in the right school. You know he wouldn't be as happy at the grammar school because it wouldn't be right for him. Similarly your middle son's school probably wouldn't be right for the other two. All children are different. They have different needs, different abilities, different strengths. What matters is that they are all happy and thriving at the right school for them.

And I wouldn't be so sure about the two brothers walking to school together. Invariably older children want to walk to school with their friends and not have younger siblings tagging along.

You don’t have to send your youngest to grammar school.

I am struggling with the guilt of my middle son not having his brothers at the same school as him. He knows he couldn't go to the same school as them because he didn't get in. It's that. It's that he feels different from them.

He may well feel like that anyway - kids have different experiences in the same school.

We spent a lot of time and energy checking out schools when we moved here - pciked a decent catchment with secondary doing well and improving. DD1 had couple of good years before things happened head left and chaos and special measures - couldn't move and couldn't get younger ones into different school - DS I think had worst of it stablised a bit for DD2.

I felt huge guilt despite it being completely out of my control - I did everything I could to mitiagate effects on them but beyond that it is what it is.

DD2 Y 6 was when covid hit - there were things canceled kids never got back - prom for DD1 - trips abroad we paid for - we tried very hard to get the kids to focus on any positives and move forward to next things. Even college wher ethey all went for A-levels been different experinces for them as it's changed over the years.

If you'd left him in his primary and hadn't tried there in no guarantee you wouldn't be kicking yourself now if you had he'd have go into same school - what if he had and been miserable.

He's happy in his school maybe try thinking about how he can feel more connected to his siblings at home - shared family events etc.

Most people, as parents, do what seems the right thing to do at the time, given a set of circumstances. That’s what you did, believing it to be the best thing for your child.

Hindsight is 20-20 vision. He I thriving where he is now, somewhere that is the right fit for him, so stop the guilt that’s eating you up and stopping you from moving forward.

All 3 of mine were at different schools ( well eldest and youngest went to same secondary but 12years apart) none of tgem were ever in the same primary either Its really not a bit deal

He is now at a school that is just right for him, and he sits comfortably in the upper middle, both academically and in sports (he loves sport). He is happy at his school.

That is all that matters. Not all school suit all children, even among a set of siblings.

Understandable, and coming from a good place, which I totally get, having sons myself. Unfortunately they are not identikit and circumstances will be different at different times. The middle one always has stuff going against them purely due to birth order. You can't guarantee them all the same positive experiences at all times unfortunately, I wish we could. I agree with trying to let it go and focus on the fact that this year they are all doing well and all are happy at school, so youbare clearly doing lots right. Hugs.

You need to let go of your own guilt over all of this. You made what you thought were the right choices for him in what sounds like difficult circumstances. And many of those choices were good choices: you recognised when he wasn’t progressing, you chose a school you thought would nurture him better, and even encouraging him to give his new school a chance despite him being unhappy during the fist few weeks (which is perfectly normal for many children, who later do settle.)

He is his own person and that’s what you need to emphasise. Right now it might seem to him that he’s the odd one out among his brothers, but over the next few years their lives too will likely take completely different courses. They might take different routes post-16 and post-18, their lives will certainly diverge after that. You say he’s happy at school and is thriving there: reinforce that he’ll come into his own as well, it’s not a competition with his brothers, it’s about finding the right path for him - which he currently appears to be on.