Guilt over child not attending the same school as sibings

Why does he ask you why he was moved primary school when as you say he knows the answer? The answer is it pushes your buttons and he's finding it interesting to manipulate you.

Rather than beating yourself up about a past event which you no longer have any control over, maybe you should concentrate on encouraging him how to be less annoying which seems to be the common cause of the whole sorry story and probably the main source of his unhappiness.

I have a child at a special needs school and a child at mainstream who may well go to a grammar school. They need totally different things, I don’t feel in the least bit guilty about it. Please let the guilt go, it really does sound like you have done your best by all your children which is definitely not the same thing as treating them in an identical way.

The word Guilt stood out in your post OP. I once read somewhere that 'we make the best decisions with the information we had at the time'. Let it go OP.

It really sounds like you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time, and you are treating your children as the individuals which they are. I don't think you've done anything at all wrong and your son will be fine

Even when they go to the same school, one might win all the prizes/be in top sets/be in sports teams etc. Many are anti grammars/private because of it making children "different" and generally favouring richer people who don't have medical conditions (yes, some children with profound health conditions and poor families get in, but generally), but even if kids go to the same comprehensive, one might have "better" teachers, an "easier" year group (the year above me at my school got much higher grades than mine, even though there weren't many changes, so if I'd been a year older, I'd never have been top, and it might be that some years, it's much easier to get in a grammar than in the previous year).
A wise woman once said that if you have more than one child, you'll always beat yourself up about fairness, and that was before the term golden child.

Another way to look at it is that you made sure your children, though different, were given equal consideration of what school would best fit them. So while the ultimate choice was not the same, each boy had a thoughtful opportunity created by you to go somewhere that suited their personality and learning. This is a good thing.

Haven't read the comments, so sorry if it's already been said.
Firstly and most importantly, you have done what you thought was best for your son at that time. I think, without the benefit of hindsight, in your situation most parents would have made the same choice to move schools.
But what I would do in your situation now is sit down with your son and tell him basically what you have written here. Show him that you are not perfect (not that I think you did anything wrong) and how much you are worrying that you did make the wrong choices shows how much you love him and care about his wellbeing.
No matter how much we want to, we can't control our children's lives and make things perfect, but we can make sure we are there for them when they need it.
And lastly, go easy on yourself! As long as your son is loved, clean and fed then you're doing a great job!

I think if you change the perspective to.... thank goodness we live in an area with multiple school options so that everyone has a school that is a good fit for them and say it over and over again....because your sons are very lucky. I have a dyslexic child who was in a very academic bilingual primary school (I had moved primary school 4 times myself and had promised myself that I would never make my children move school so I resisted moving her for a long time). She was a ball of misery there and constantly comparing herself to her friends and just was failing at everything and unsupported by the school. She had given up. Her brother was younger but I know that he would quickly have passed her out which would have intensified her unhappiness. We moved both of them to an English language only school (we moved her brother too for logistical purposes) that specialises in dyslexia and has a lot of learning support. She is so happy now and gets a lot of support and it doesn't matter to her that her brother is flying academically and she isn't because she's happy. They never see each other in the new school because of the classroom/yard layout. They shared a yard in the old school. Just writing my experience because I have seen the misery that a very academic school can cause a dyslexic child even if she is having a shared life experience with her brother. I am so grateful every day that we were lucky enough to live near the new school and have that option. If we had lived in a rural area there may have been only one school, no alternative and she would have just had to struggle on regards. We have dyslexia in our extended family too and I have seen the detrimental effect firsthand that siblings going to the same academic school, one failing and one highly achieving. The inadequacy in the dyslexic sibling has been life long despite him having a great career in art and design....because he went to the same school as his brother and his brother got a phd from Oxford and he failed every exam he ever sat until he got to art college. And the brother with the PhD essentially has survivors guilt. They would have been better off in difference schools that matched their abilities and where they weren't comparing themselves to each other.

His school sounds great for him and he is happy so what more can you want? He certainly isn’t the first to not get into grammar when siblings have. Remember that the decisions you made were out of love and what you thought was best at the time. Let go of the guilt!

I have twins. One is ADHD, the other isn't. Please don't feel guilt. It's really obvious that you do everything you possibly can for your "middle son"- and all your kids!
Having twins is good because you always have a "control child" when people have opinions or you start to feel guilt. We did everything the same with ours, and they had completely different needs. And that's ok.
I love what you said about your (ADHD) son: "he has charm in abundance, is so funny and great company - I think he has so many attributes that will take him far in life". My (ADHD) twin daughter is exactly like this. She lights up a room. Her sister has much better general social skills, and integrates really well socially, but doesn't have that "spark" that makes her twin literally light up.
Wishing you and your gorgeous middle son a lovely Christmas. He's the spark that will light up the tree!

We had the same situation, my oldest and youngest went to our local Grammar school, my middle went to our local high school. Each child was happy in their school and they all did really well. The high school child’s GCSE results were as good as her brother and sister. She knew that school was better for her and she thrived. She also enjoyed being her own person and not following on from her older brother and being known as his sister. She was her own person. She’s gone on to uni and is now in her dream job, my other children have also got the jobs they wanted. Your son will have his own journey and I’m sure he’ll blossom.

You did what you thought was best for him at the time. Reading more to him whilst he was younger may not have made any difference. He has dyslexia, my friend couldn’t read until she was 9, state primary did nothing to help her and moving to a prep school made all the difference. She now has an MSc in Physics and is a teacher.

You need to put the kids in the school that works best for them and be open with them that they have different strengths and the school they are at is the best one to harness their skills. I see the effect of kids being at the wrong school for them all the time.

Covid delayed a lot of kids getting diagnosed. I’m glad my son isn’t a few years older as he would have been one of those ‘missed’ kids. He was diagnosed at 6 with AuDHD and medication has made a massive difference.

Ultimately, it is not your fault. His neurodiversity makes him different but that isn’t a bad thing and the sooner society stops trying to make ND kids neurotypical, the better! They need a different schooling system to thrive!

Your son sounds very happy and suited to his school. He may not have been at the grammar. Kids can do very well at a non grammar. Mine did.

If your middle child went to the same school as his brothers he'd still feel different as his experience of it would likely be very different to theirs.

Is it an all-boys grammar? As if you’d had a daughter, she’d be at the girls school anyway even if she passed. In grammar areas it’s incredibly common to have kids at different schools - there must be lots of friends with similar?

Anyway I’d be thankful he’s happy and not being bullied - this shows the path was right for him

You are really over thinking this. I am in a grammar area and it's really common for siblings to go to different schools, depending on what's right for him. You made all your decisions in good faith. It sounds like you're a great mum. Move forward. You've said yourself he is happy and doing well at his school; what's to say he wouldn't be really unhappy if he were at the same school as his sibling?

OP, just to say that my brother and I have always been pretty close despite going to different schools. Shared summers and holidays and shows we watched together helped.

I agree with PPs that shared experiences outside of school are important.

It’s tricky isn’t it, thing is you will never know. Maybe he would have left Juniors and enjoyed the experience, and maybe not. Or as my eldest didn’t like any of it! Some through Covid missed out of a lot of experiences, I would say knowing them now it’s a distant memory.

I would say he may relish having his own experience and not having to live up to expectations of other siblings, or maybe they won’t get on at Secondary and have unfair expectations for teachers or they may sense they have even when they don’t. It sounds like he needs his own space to grow and thrive, I wonder if it will be quite exciting for him - let’s hope so!

If you have the option you send your child to the best school that suits them. Where we live it's really common for siblings to be spread out around different schools.

My DS went to state grammar but DD didn't even take the 11+ as there was no point. When DD was struggling at her state academy we moved her to a non selective independent. Both kids were at the right school for them in the end.

I have a friend who had four kids at four different schools. One at a boys grammar, one at a girls grammar, one at an academy and one at a comp. They are individuals all with different strengths and needs. All are doing brilliantly.

It's not unusual and you have nothing to feel guilty for.

I went to a different school to my siblings, because I ‘got in’ and they didn’t. It’s fine, it was nice not to be someone’s sister at school etc.

different kids need different things.

my children are different and will likely be in different schools. My friends kids have an age gap that means they won’t be at school together.

them going school together is only until the oldest leaves.

I just wouldn’t worry about it myself. Removing my child from a school where they are bullied is a decision I would make, it’s so hard for you that the new schools wasn’t better, but you don’t know until you know and he sounds like he is happier now.

move forward, talk about it if he wants to

What’s done is done. Sounds like all boys are happy now and at the right school for them. Be grateful. I’ve seen boys struggle at grammar and it’s miserable for them. Maybe middle son needs a little support making his own niche - friends, interests. But the way I see it he’s not the odd one out, he’s the unique one.

All three of us went to different schools. One private (but scholarship), one grammar and one comp. Never gave it a thought.

Oh OP I am so sorry you feel this way, you did the absolute best you could do for him with the resources and info you had at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, you had the choice of 2 schools where he was being bullied, you have no idea if the bullying in the first primary would have escalated if he went back.

It sounds like middle child is doing great at school, if he got in the grammar he may have been stressed, under achieving and might have got bullied again. It sounds like he's finally at a school thats a good fit for him. Let your youngest try his best for whatever school will be best for him too. And give your middle child lots of encouragement, we all have strengths in different areas. I bet he's a brilliant kid with a great imagination if he's like any other kid with ADHD I know. He'll do well in life with a good Mum like you who loves him so much. Xx

This is just one of the pitfalls of the Grammar system. My SD went to school with twins, one got in and one didn't. I bet that was an awkward evening around the dinner table. You have to accept that the reason he didn't get in is because he didn't pass the exam. My SD also has ADHD and didn't pass the 11+. She is doing better now she's medicated and supported with ADHD but she wasn't right for Grammar school.

My husband and I both also have ADHD and both passed whilst being undiagnosed, because, to put it nicely, we are naturally more academic that SD. She has many talents and I think she'll go on to do better than either of us have, but nerdy intellectual isn't her personality type as it is ours.

You have to stop dwelling on mistakes you made in the past and focus on valuing all your children for who they are right now.

I went to a grammar, it was at the time one of the top 3 schools in the country, i got in with flying colours. I absolutely hated it. The pressure. The academic focus. I started to slip, I could not focus as intently on the work as my peers. I started to lag behind them.
I ended up leaving and going to the local secondary which suited me better. There were a lot of mental health issues at the grammar too. It was well known the kids suffered with the pressure.
I have since found I have adhd, after both my sons have been diagnosed. I would never send my adhd kids to a grammar.
I have a great job now which I love. Sure, some of my peers from grammar are super high flying lawyers, but not all, some are just average people doing average jobs now. Would I have had a better job at a grammar? Who knows..