How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

That’s all kinds of fucked up @TheAlertLimeSnail

That man would not lay a god damn hand on my son.

What a fucking scumbag. Don’t leave your kids with him. If that causes a problem with your DH, remind them that safeguarding at school will take an extremely dim view of your FIL’s behaviour.

Does the GF see your baby often? I personally would never leave her unsupervised with him but the biggest issue you have is with your partner who doesn’t seem to realise that this outdated form of discipline is proven to have detrimental affects on children’s anxiety and is not effective anyway. The irony though of one poster saying they would be violent towards the GF if they smacked their child. Violence which includes smacking should be forbidden and I wish it was outlawed in England too. My husband did it once with our eldest DD and I let him know in no uncertain way he better never do it again. I later learnt his mum used to smack him with a back of a hairbrush. You need to. Make sure your partner educates himself on the harmful effects of smacking young children. I would also tell your SIL he is smacking her kids again and maybe all of you go NC with him.

This is the bit that stood out to me too. Honestly, it gave me chills:

My sister in law told him she doesn't want him to smack her kids - the grandfather (her father-in-law) stopped speaking to her for a year. Now they have made up, but he smacks her girls again.

He cut off his DIL and presumably his granddaughters (?) because he wasn't allowed to smack them. And as soon as he was allowed access to them, he smacked them.

This is not a man I would want to be around me, let alone my child.

Edited: I originally thought SIL was FIL's daughter, but she's his DIL.

This is outrageous to read - if someone laid a hand on my child they would NEVER see them again and to be honest I would likely report them for assault.

I think the only route you have is to be with your daughter 100% of the time.

"Can I hold granddaughter?"
No, because you might hit her and no one is allowed to assault my child.
"I'm teaching her."
You cannot teach my child by hitting her.
"She won't behave."
If you can't get her to behave without hitting, she has to come to me.

Rinse and repeat. I wouldn't give a shit about upsetting a grandfather who wanted to hit my child, or a husband who permitted it.

If any child tells staff in a British school or childcare setting that their grandparent has hit them, the staff have a legal obligation to report it to Social Services. That'll stay on record and Social Services, if it comes to an investigation, will investigate the parents, too.

This man is a child abuser op. He refuses to see his grandchildren if he isn’t allowed to hit them.

my child would go nowhere near him

It’s illegal to smack your child in wales and Scotland so I’d tell him clearly
‘your information is outdated, here are some links to research, you cannot look after our child alone’

tbh vased on what you’ve said I wouldn’t even give him the chance to ever look after your child. I’d work on your partner to see why he doesn’t understand the evidence that smacking shouldn’t be used now- does he deny all knowledge or what’s the reason? Deal with that coz you’ll have loads of things to decide with parenting and presumably you want to use up to date scientific evidence?

Simple just don’t leave your children with him.

it's more I get the impression he's terrified to criticise his dad

That's because he was hit as a child.

Physical punishment creates fear in children and is usually because the person hitting the child is taking their anger out on the child. The child becomes scared of "making" the parent angry. There is no responsibility for the adult to control their temper. Children control their behaviour and grow up fearful.

This is some of the damage done by physical punishment. Does your husband want your child to grow up in fear?

Fortunately, telling his bully father that he is not allowed to hit your child will make your DH feel less scared.

Personally I would never take my child to see a relative who thinks that it's ok to admonish someone else's child by hitting them. He wouldn't get the chance.

It's also one of the most significant reasons I didn't have children. I couldn't run the risk that my children would be hit by my parents.

This. Don't ever allow the situation to arise. If they query why, you can tell them you will not facilitate him assaulting his own GC.

Your DH said for you to take control cos he's a wet lettuce. This is how you do it.

Not just the thread, it's in the initial OP.
Massively triggered by this sort of thing (child of the '70's, battered by everyone in my family)
If he assaulted my child, I would assault him.
Advocate for your innocent baby OP 💐

Falls du mein Kind schlägst, meinem Kind absichtlich Schmerzen zu fügst oder es auf anderweitige Art körperlich bestrafst, werde ich alles in meiner Macht stehende tun, um dich von meinem Kind fernzuhalten.

that would be my suggestion.

DeepL translates this as:
If you hit my child, intentionally cause my child pain, or physically punish them in any other way, I will do everything in my power to keep you away from my child.

So he was smacking one of your nieces when she was 2? Pretty much a baby. Despicable. I wouldn’t even wait for it to come up, there is no way he’d be left alone with my children.

So you have several options which basically boil down to confronting him or not confronting him.

in other words, you can choose to either

confront him and risk a family fall out
or
don’t confront him and risk him abusing your child.

pretty easy choice, no?

I doubt it works in reality, I'm afraid

And you can't stop your DH taking your child to see his parents either

It's a horrible position

is he hitting them when he's babysitting or in full view of the parents?
is just super use her fully and if you see him hit the nieces tell him "Wenn du jemals mein Kind schlägst, wirst du uns nie wiedersehen."

Would your partner think it's OK for his father to hit his mother? His sister? You?
Why anyone would condone hitting children is beyond me

During short visits, you probably can protect your children from their grandfather. But I'd be more concerned about your partner, TBH

Smacking is illegal throughout the UK. There is a legal defence in England and NI of reasonable chastisement.
How anyone could possibly argue that children that young should be assaulted as reasonable chastisement absolutely escapes me! Yet I am vehemently against any child being assaulted obviously.
I wouldn’t let this man near my child at all.

Is his mother still alive and is she still married to his father? I’d have a chat with her on the phone about how you’d love for them to build a wonderful bond with DC despite the distance. Then set out some boundaries - “we’ve discussed discipline and it’s imperative for us that DC is not smacked, by us or anyone else”. Ask that she passes on the message.

Where did the smacking of your nieces take place? If it was in Germany, it would be illegal because smacking children is banned in Germany.

Given that your DH is German, I'm very surprised and concerned that he has said that smacking is an effective way to discipline if he was brought up in a country where smacking was illegal.

You need to make it very clear to him that if he allows his dad to smack your child, that would be the end of your marriage.

I wouldn't leave my children alone with him. Easier said than done but I wouldn't.

Apart from anything else, they need to respect the way that you choose to discipline your kids. Aside from the fact that smacking is abhorrent, they are also not respecting your chosen methods for raising for your kids.

Well, if he thinks people learn by being smacked, slap him hard every time his behaviour is outside your boundaries. Lets see how quickly he learns. Absolute prick.