How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

I'm sorry, OP - your immediate problem is your husband.

You're going to have to protect your children from their own father first.

You've tested him, and he's failed:

He scoffs at you when you present the evidence of the harm.

He walks away.

He hands your child over to his known-abuser father the moment you ask him to step up and look after them himself, while you take a moment of self care.

This is a victim/enabler in action.

FIL habitually removes your child from your sight - and deliberately walks away with them.

This is a committed controller in action.

From now on - standard procedure should be to never allow FIL or MIL (who may also be a victim/enabler) to be alone with your child.

You want a shower or the loo - take them in with you.

You take a walk - never let go of their hands or the stroller handle.

Practice your no.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I’d also highlight that you will raise it as a safeguarding issue that a 70 year old man constantly insists on taking away and being alone with your daughter while simultaneously taking ever opportunity to smack the bottom’s of his other female DGD’s.

It’s not just about the hitting of them - it’s fucking weird.

Your DH needs to grow some. Sorry.

It sounds like the whole family are walking on eggshells around GF and are unlikely to back you up. This will likely lead to a fallout and people getting upset and not talking - that's what your DH is likely afraid of.

Your first conversation needs to be with DH.

he'd push the stroller and walk really far ahead of us, only for me to catch up and half the time she was bawling but he believes "crying will help her develop her voice"

He sounds loopy. Don’t let him push the stroller anymore.

Just to reassure you @Newparent101 my DH grew up in an emotionally and physically violent household and he’s a kind, gentle man who hates violence.

He’s has never laid a hand on our DDs. In fact he hates violence so much that he won’t even watch anything on tv which has violence in it. He walks out of the room.

Never leave them alone with GP and stay nearby in the same room at all times, or bring DC out the room with you. My dad's (if you can call him that) dad tried to backhand me when I was 9mo, my mum bollocked him and walked out with me, made my dad leave as well.

I voted YABU because I just wouldn’t let him see her in the first place if he feels so strongly about crushing your boundaries and beating a child.

This.
Two red flags - physical abuse and trying to go against your wishes.
Protect your child.

You have a DH problem. He'd sooner not protect his child and scoff at you than deal with his dad.

My FIL smacked my 2 year old in the garden, he had touched an apple on a tree. It did not go well and he didn’t do it again. He was a nasty man overall and used to mock me over my parenting

I had this feeling too. Sounds like he's fixated on it? Wtaf?

I wouldn't knowingly take my child into an environment where there was a chance of ANY child being assaulted. Witnessing adults condoning violence against children (by not intervening) is harmful to a child, even if they don't directly experience the violence themselves.

WTF advocate for your child.

Has grandad met your baby yet? I would start from there if he hasn't.

"You will not see this grandchild unless you stop smacking children"

Your problem is with your dh. He thinks it is ok for his father to hit children. He mightn't do it himself - but are you sure about this?

This sucks. I have no idea how you resolve it but I would not have had a child with a man who thinks it is ok to hit children. Why did you? You saw what happened with your sil's children. what did he say to you make you think it would be ok?

With regard to your dh I'd just say to him I've lost all respect for him since he values his father's right to hit children over his child's safety and could he please fuck off and not go near me again.

Seriously. This man thinks it is ok for his father to abuse children because ... he has a daddy complex ... or is weak as fuck .. or thinks it is ok to hit children.

And stop with the smacking thing. it is hitting. Slapping. a small child. horrible people.

You're having a big fight about a hypothetical future situation? Are you ok?

She's 4 months, she's not going to leave your sight, you are years away from a potential issue.

Seriously, a bit weird to refuse to visit over this. And you will be driving a wedge you can't fix.

I think it’s likely he will be more emboldened to stamp his authority on your child op thanks to your sister in law backing down, and falling in line.

You already know he WILL do it if given the opportunity. I hate it when the bully in the family has everyone tiptoeing and tolerating bad behavior because they are afraid of what will happen if they stand up for themselves. It's why it continues.

You also already know what will happen if you say anythingbefore, or, God forbid afterhe has hit your child. You saw how it played out with your SIL. This is a bully who needs to be in control.

I don't care that the man is your FIL. If he can't refrain from hitting children, he doesn't get access. I wouldn't take my dog around someone I knew was likely to hit him, let alone my baby!

Your husband needs to man up. He is putting the fear of his father's wrath over his responsibility to his child. Be the parent your deserves and protect her. Don't keep the peace for your husband or FIL at your baby's expense.

I would honestly say that based on how your FIL has treated his other grandchildren, he hasn't earned a relationship with this one.

The thing so many abusive parents / GPs fail to realise is sooner or later that child will become bigger, stronger, more powerful as the child grows up and matures ... and the elder becomes aged and more frail.

I'm convinced that SOME (obviously not all) cases of elder abuse are cases of child abuse turning round to bite.

Yes indeed. I only mention it as so often you see laws in England and Wales bundled together and I this is one of those situations where thankfully it is a devolved issue so we could make the change in law without Westminster.

Yes, sorry, you're right. But illegal for a grandparent in any UK country.

OMG I would never be leaving my kids there.

I am against corporal punishment of any kind and the German law is against it, too: https://www.polizei-beratung.de/themen-und-tipps/gewalt/kindesmisshandlung/fakten/

See if you can translate it or send it straight to your husband. Your in-laws are in the UK and subject to UK rules. Anyone laying a hand on my child would never see us again.

I don’t know how you’d word it to your in-laws but I’d tell my husband: anyone laying their hands on my child will be met by the police. Fuck around and find out!!

I‘d a quiet word with your sister in law or contemplate reporting your FIL. Outrageous he gets to hit her girls @Newparent101