How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

You will simply never be able to leave your kids alone with their grandad, OP.

More worrying is your partner's attitude. It's really unfortunate that you're not on the same page about this. I'm also pretty infuriated that he's not listening to you on this. This is the kind of thing where one team member should not be doing it if the other doesn't want them to, even if they themselves don't see anything wrong with it. By going against you, he's not acting as a team.

Could you send him a bunch of research about negative outcomes from smacking? There is literally not one study that supports it. Presumably your partner wants the best outcome for your kids, so why wouldn't he listen to that?

The GP is another issue. He doesn't care about their outcomes. He just wants to carry on doing what he's always done.

I think it's highly inappropriate for a GP to be meting out any serious discipline to a child, whether physical or not. Issues should be taken to the parents for anything above and beyond the usual "Don't do that, Peter" or "Stop playing with your food and eat your dinner" type thing.

Completely and utterly out of line for a GP to be smacking them.

ETA: If this was my children, I would vow never, ever to leave them alone with him, not for a minute. And I would be seeing them as little as possible. Grandad sounds like a massive bully.

It’s really quite easy to make sure he never hits your child, you never let him near your child when your child is out of your sight. That simple. If he hits your child in front of you then you call the police.

To be honest, I’d call the police if I saw him hit any child. Why are you not reporting it when you see him assault your nieces??

Jesus, I’m in Scotland and I’m sure it’s illegal to smack a child.
I grew up in the 70’s and can remember, very occasionally, getting smacked. It would never enter my parents mind to have raised their hand to their grandchildren.
Times changed and decent adults move with them

I just wouldn't ever leave her alone with him. He won't change.

Try reading the thread 🙄

Very clear in the OP that they're not

No unsupervised time alone for him and your dd.

This, but it’s too late now. Splitting up will sometimes leave the child alone with Dad’s abusive family.

Never leave your child alone with them, ever.

Honestly my mama bear would be unleashed - I would smack him if he smacked any child in my presence. How dare he hurt little girls 😡

This.

There are 4 billion men on the planet. Why get involved with this toxic family in the first place??

My husband is German and grew up in the 70s and his parents never smacked their children nor did he ever smack ours. But I can see that in some circles perhaps it was considered normal ?

I'll never forget seeing a "respectable" German speaking couple (briefly) smacking their one year old as he sat in his high chair in a posh Alpine ski hotel and presumably did something they thought naughty (throw his food?) I remember thinking this is obviously considered normal. I thought it was shocking. This was thirteen years ago.
Could you reframe to your partner that it is not smacking it is hitting. And he is much larger than a little child. What would he think of someone hitting him or hitting his child? How would that make him feel? Or hitting you ?

What happened when he was a child was charitably a cultural norm and maybe still is in his parents' circle . But times have changed. It isn't acceptable now.

Also I think it's a double sided issue as you said your DH also believes it's "okay"? Obviously it's not, and it raises issues about what his conduct will be around your child growing up?

Can you join a parenting class together or give him some articles regarding it? Essentially a hit child is a scared child. The only thing it'll teach them is fear, and that's not a lesson anyone needs (as I'm sure you're well aware).

Frankly I'd also throw out the notion that a grown man "smacking young girls" is giving peadophile vibes 😒 I get that it's probably unlikely he is... But it basically doesn't reflect at all well. And I'd actually probably say that to him.

Thinking more about it, tell your dp that if his father even threatens to touch your child, you're leaving him. And mean it.

Let him do what he sees fit with that information.

I wouldn't have had a kid with someone who thinks smacking kids is ok, but I realise it's a bit late for that.

I honestly would refuse to have my kid around him, how dare he? And how dare your weak, spineless partner not stand up for his own child?

You never allow him unsupervised time with your child. If you see a situation where he might feel like he could step in and use his assault as discipline, you will be there first to be a parent and handle the situation.

if he ever hits your child, you leave and don’t go back.

Also is your dp scared of his father? Because why is it up to you to speak to him?
I'm so angry on your behalf.

Btw my DD's bf is German and against at smacking so it's not necessarily a cultural thing.

Even if it was, you have the ultimate say over what happens to your child so it's no excuse.

Please never ever leave your child alone with this putrid power freak horrible abusive man

Also report him to social services and the police for physically assaulting these defenceless children , infuriates me 😡😡

Are they British?

My nieces are 7 and 3, and the grandfather smacks them to "teach" them when they've done something wrong. My sister in law told him she doesn't want him to smack her kids - the grandfather (her father-in-law) stopped speaking to her for a year. Now they have made up, but he smacks her girls again.

What's more complicated is his parents don't speak English (they're german) and my german isn't very good.

If you genuinely believe that she in danger and you CAN'T protect her and her father WON'T protect her, then don't let your daughter see her paternal grandfather - not just "not alone", but not at all.

My partner refuses to "lay down the law" with his dad.

OK, so then the baby doesn't see your partner's dad, full stop. If her parents won't protect her, who will?

He snacks a 3 year old? And he hasn't seen them for a year because of the smacking, so was smacking a two year old?

I don't think you are going to be able to leave your child alone with this man. And by alone I mean without you because it doesn't look like you can rely on your dp either, sadly.

Tell your husband his father will not be seeing your child without you there and that won’t even be happening until he tells his father that he is not to ever lay a finger on your child.
Also tell your husband that you will contact social services and the police if his father so much as lays a single finger on your child.
Print out or email your husband the legal implications so he knows you are serious.

Here in Scotland all forms of physical punishment of a child are illegal, thank goodness.
I would certainly never let this man be alone with my child.

You tell him firmly that if he ever lays a hand on your child then you will remove the child and he will never see them again.

If I were you I’d be concerned though that you’ve given your baby a father that doesn’t want to protect them from harm. What kind of a parent doesn’t want to make an effort to prevent their child being abused? I’d be utterly disgusted with him and ashamed of myself for allowing such a man to father my child. I honestly can’t understand why any woman would think such a man is an appropriate person to have a child with. He literally gives no fucks if a grown man hurts your child.