How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

If somebody used violence towards my child, I’d call the police

This.

He’d get a smack he wouldn’t get up from.

I think there is an option C - never let your child be alone with GF and be very clear from get go your child will not be smacked by anyone. Any hint and they will not see your child.

It does sound as if there's a bit of family conditioning that's gone on that they tip toe around or placate GF. That's a longer one to unravel.

I would say that just because your partners been smacked and conditioned to think it's not that bad doesn't mean he will continue it on. I was smacked as a child (1980s/90s was pretty common) I have never raised a hand to my children. Having my own children made me realise just how bad it is.
I did raise it with my parents and they apologised said it was the only discipline they knew. They have never and would never smack my children but I also made that boundary clear.

It will happen as he does it with other children and his son, your partner, isn't strongly against it. So in that case he will never be alone with my child, ever. If he asks why, you say you don't want child smacked.

My husband is from a culture where smacking is normalized and was smacked growing up, sometimes with a belt or spoon. We let in laws know we do not smack and my children never have been. Other grandkids get smacked as their parents do it too. It was as easy as my husband saying don’t. In your case my baby would NEVER be left with them
and I’d step in if my child was smacked. Defend your child!! You have a husband problem and I think you know this. It’s assault. If an adult hit my kids I’d be going for them.

You simply can't have your children in his company if you are not present.

So the issue isn't really a grandad issue at all is it? How often will you be dropping your child off to be babysat? I'm guessing never...

The actual issue (although you don't want to address it), is that your DH feels that physical punishment is suitable for a child. He received that and "he's okay". And you're actually worried your DH not your DF in law will physically admonish your baby and you just don't want to frame that fear out loud?

You know you can't ignore this, right?

Explain before the baby is born that smacking is an outdated form of punishment now and illegal in parts if the UK and that you really appreciate him being understanding of your rule that no one is ever to smack your child…ever. Maybe to be extra clear, point out that what you mean by that is that it will never be ok to hit your child like he does with his other grandchildren.

Sorry, I thought NI too.

OP says he lives in a different country? Which according to Google it's also illegal to smack a child in Germany? Frankly I'd just push it's an antiquated form of discipline. But as it's more likely to crop up with your DH who I'm presuming shares your house?

Then that's where I'd be looking to be concerned about vs grandad in another country.

My DHs grandmother went to hit DD once. I got between them and said if she touches my child she'd never see her again.
I always went when we were visiting but went LC so only saw her a handful of times.
I did feel a bit mean but no way was I risking my child being smacked.

Only in Wales and Scotland currently?

It is not specifically illegal in England, as long as it is ‘reasonable punishment’. And you could say that with the SIL letting him see the children, she has ‘given permission’ for him to smack them. So the OP wouldn’t get anywhere calling the police when seeing him smack the nieces.

It is illegal in 3 countries of the UK.

OP says that they are German, but she doesn't say that they live in Germany. It sounds more like they live in the UK.

Hang on... This isn't a man who even lives in the same country as you? Well then to be fair it's a pretty easy issue to navigate, no?

I'd frankly be more concerned about my partner who you no doubt share a house with? And his issue that "it's okay". That's your point of concern. Not grandad in a different country.

This: grandfather needs to be reported for the assaults he has already committed on the 7 and 3 year old. A visit from the police in gf’s country - the humiliation of the liveried police car parked outside gf’s home, would be a good warning shot - but I would not visit gf anymore until gf showed genuine remorse.
use google translate to ensure your meaning gets across when you explain why you will no longer visit with your little one.
You’re completely right to ENSURE that your little one never gets hit at all.

I think my partner doesn't agree with hitting in principle, but he's a bit of a wet blanket sometimes tbh, and he (and most of the family) is quite intimidated by the grandfather - there's a bit of a tiptoeing behaviour around him.

Yes. You can't rely on your partner to stand up to his father to protect his own small child from harm because hitting children doesn't turn them into strong, values-driven adults but rather teaches them to be afraid of the adult who hit them.

Tell your partner that if he wants his parents to meet your daughter then he needs to find the courage to tell his father that no hitting is an absolutely non-negotiable condition and be willing to take responsibility for enforcing this. Explain that if he's so afraid of his own father that he can't or won't do this then he's telling you that his father isn't a safe person for your DD to be around. And as others have said, stop using the word "smack" and call it (correctly) hitting.

Wenn du jemals die Hand gegen mein Kind erhebst, wirst du es verdammt noch mal nie wiedersehen.

From Google translate.

I would just say (in German if necessary) "if you ever hit my child, you will never see them again". Saying it from the gut so he knows you're absolutely serious.

I would also support your SIL to stand up to him if you can. She's grown up being abused so it's no surprise she hasn't been able to stand up effectively for her girls.

And unfortunately I'd keep a close eye on your husband because kids can be trying and it's the go to response he's been raised with. I would be shocked if he gets through all of the difficult stages kids go through without ever raising a hand tbh.

Why would he think he's responsible for disciplining his grandchildren?
Presumably there's some male superiority issue going on.It's so sad to read that his other grandchildren have been brought back to a violent situation, that's really now what parenting should be about.

Never let your children be alone with him out of your sight. It’s not that hard to do in reality, it’s only an issue if you let grandparents babysit which is never essential.