Worried about 13yo daughter

I know this, and I have said school, police and social work as well. I’d be screaming it from the damn rooftops (but I wouldn’t be wasting any more time on the dad, who is clearly the source of this behaviour). But she needs to be aware of where her daughter is and at least try to impose some boundaries, albeit the horse has already bolted now I suppose.

do you know, my eldest is 11 (nearly 12) and she is surrounded by girls who seem to be actively encouraged by their “bestie” parents to dress/act much older than they actually are. Boyfriends and make up etc. Letting them do and go wherever they want to, not accepting the dangers in it. Social media, TikTok etc. They think it’s funny, all in such a hurry for their daughters to grow up. It’s not funny. They are children.

@AmberRose86, we hear you! But I think things have moved beyond this now.

@Aconcernedmum43 and her DD need safeguarding now. Mum needs help,
she has reached out to MN, so desperate she
is. Immediate responses and support. She now needs to do the hard yards and get the agency’s involved. This is bigger than laying down rules. Do you really think that when OP says to her DD “get your arse back here straight after school”, DD is going to say “yes mum” and do it when she is being controlled and manipulated by this boy?

Normal rules don’t apply here now!

I'm very concerned about the disappearing messages...... He could be pressuring for pictures or anything! You are not over reacting at all and he's showing very worrying behaviour

Do you actually know this boy? As in, have you met him? I would be tempted to have a serious conversation with the entitled little gobshite and his unpleasant dad too. He needs the shit scared out of him, quite honestly. I would be speaking to the police, the school (again) and social services. Little shit needs sorting out.

I would suggest getting her to do the freedom Programme too OP

The Freedom Programme UK offers programs for different age groups, including one for young people aged 13-25, and a separate program for men aged 16-25. There is also a version for primary school-aged children and separate programmes designed for mothers with children under five years old.

I get that. But she’s coming home with bruises and he’s taking her phone and she’s not getting the severity of this.

You need to start putting some rules and restrictions in place. It’s not about punishing her it’s about protecting her from this madness.

13!!!

I’m not trying to be rude but clearly you don’t know where she is at all times if you’re surprised that she’s been with him again.

Any 13 year old with a boyfriend needs to have an eye kept on where they are, let alone one with this shit going on.

You tell her to get her arse straight home after school for a start.

You're not overreacting. Contact the police and social services. Every time you see a bruise call the police again to get the evidence recorded. If this boy is like this at 13 I dread to think how far he can go in the future if this behaviour isn't managed, his parents obviously aren't going to bother to do it so it needs the police and social services. You're DD needs all the support available to drill into her how unacceptable and dangerous his behaviour is.

@Aconcernedmum43, it makes total sense that your DD does not comprehend the complexity of this relationship.

Do contact all of the authorities PPs have advised and don’t stop and don’t allow them to not take this on. It’s not easy but what you are going through and the danger you see your DD exposed to is not easy either.

A PP has said in the immediate, talk to her and don’t stop. Initiate conversations about consent, no means no and teen culture etc! She is to young to be grappling this level of relationship but she is not to young to forming opinions about girls and women place in the world!

Good luck x

She’s 13 though. Not 16. You need to parent her. You should know where she is. Especially at the moment.

Absolutely not overreacting. Agree with PPs, report to social services, the police and escalate at school. Good luck

Social worker here, report this to social services. There may also be other things that are known about this boy that add to the pattern and that you are unaware of. I work in a team working with teens and this would be a concern. They may also be able to refer your daughter in to a service to do some work around healthy relationships.

Your instincts are sound. Keep school informed/ social services

Police. Social work. School.

Also. She is 13. Take her phone off her and keep her in for a wee while.

You are not overreacting! DD is 13, boyfriend and girlfriend relationships at this age should not be this problematic. DD must understand that she has the freedom to end a relationship if it is not working.

What you have expressed are the dynamics of adult PPs in abusive and controlling relationships and the response on MN is often LTB.

I don’t understand why people have told you that you are overreacting. You are not!

How is your DD? It must be so difficult for her. She is too young to have to navigate this level of relationship. You say your past relationship involved DV, this must be so difficult for you also.

Definitely the school safeguarding lead/team. I would also report to social services too though they may just pass back to school. Is he the same age?

I agree you need to involve school safeguarding, or social services directly if school is reluctant. If you're not doing so already, start keeping a diary, both so you don't have to remember chapter and verse, and so you have a contemporaneous record to share with relevant authorities.

You are reading some of her messages so would be able to photograph them as evidence. You say she is seeing him in secret. Do your daily routines permit you to collect her from school and do something together to reduce the time she has available to do this?

Some might think it’s going to far but I would talk to the boy directly as well, I would calmly and firmly tell him that he has absolutely no right to touch your daughter’s phone, tell her how to use her messaging apps and he needs to stay away from her. They are children, it’s sounds like he’s getting away with a lot at home

Absolutely not overreacting. U have asked him to stay away. He is still pressurising her and she is going along with it. Get the police involved for both of them. This is a very very unhealthy relationship and can pave the way to how she accepts men’s behaviour towards her when she is older. Get social workers and police involved. They will know better what to do and funny how school attitudes change when social services are included. She is still an underage girl. He has no right to do what he is doing child
or
not.