Could she be autistic or mean

Ahh just ignore it, like OP did.

The first thing you need to do is get her, yourself and your other child away from your abusive husband and then get her counselling to process what she has been through.

I say this as someone who has been through an abusive relationship and have a child that people thought was maybe autistic/ADHD but it turned out that all his ‘issues’ were related to the trauma he experienced and while he still struggles occasionally, counselling did him the world of good. And trust me no matter how well you think you hide the abuse from the children, they will know.

Once you remove your daughter from that environment and get her help to deal with the trauma that comes from living in an abusive household, you may find she’s a different person. And if not then you can look into autism further.

The sleeping in your bed probably makes her feel safe and lets her know that you are safe at the same time. One of my children used to do this also.

I know it’s hard but you need to leave asap.

How is it a reach unless op is misusing the word narcissist to describe her husband

It hopefully made op realise what she is doing to her child

Loads of people coming on here and saying autism doesn't = mean, autistic people are nice etc etc

But autism does = struggle with empathy. And for some autistic people that can be extreme. I can think of a lad who hit his mum and sister just did not understand that is caused them pain, and had no concept of stopping BECAUSE it hurt them. Another one whose mum had to explain to him that when his sibling made THIS face it meant that they were unhappy. Both kids had zero understanding of how their actions effected others, and were also really not bothered when someone else was upset.

I think many posters have been triggered by the word mean.
This girl lacks empathy to an extreme degree and that is very much one of the possible sypmptons of autism.
Given that there is autism in the family, and now some of the other things that you mention eg sensory issues around socks, I would be pushing hard for an assessment.

Maybe it's a faze.
No need to label her.
I've meet many autistic kids and not all of them are mean.
Not all of them are autistic either but that's for a different thread.

I agree that the not liking physical contact might mean she is ND and struggles with social niceties and they can be honest and blunt so I would not rule it out. One of my DGDs struggles with speaking to new people so refusing to say hello might be an ASD trait. However that doesn’t mean she isn’t nice. I would be wary of labelling her mean.

Autistic does not mean mean. My DD and both DGDs are autistic but none are mean and in fact incline mainly towards being overly sensitive. Whether narcissi can be inherited I don’t know. Can you explore some books on children being kind to each other and encourage her to be nice to her friends or no one will play with her.

You can engage the school to look at the possibility of her being assessed OP.
Lacking empathy and relating to others (not on its own obviously) can be something autistic people struggle with and can't always mimic. As her sibling has it, and you as her mum feel something is amiss, you have tried all the typical tactics to no avail so you are right to now consider other factors.
I would go to the GP, and engage the school. Sometimes they don't start picking things up until you put it in front of them and ask them to look. It's trickier with girls as they can show very different behaviours and coping mechanisms than boys.

It's okay to be upset too OP, it's emotional to know life is going to be different for our children.

Did this comment make you feel good

@Aworriedmom
I am part of a wildly ND family.
She sounds Autistic to me.
She doesn’t sound mean in any way.
If to be happy in life you feel you want to be liked by others, have a large group of friends and connections then there are certain behaviours which go along with this.

If you are basically happy with your own company know your own strengths and don’t need others’ approval then these social niceties aren’t as important.

It would be so easy if there was something wrong with her, as then yo can have a diagnosis and an action plan. Sadly it sounds like she is a copy of her father who has given her a bad example on how to be a decent person and that needs parenting out of her which is going to be very difficult.
When did this nasty behaviour start? At what age? and had anything specific happened?

www.advancedautism.com/post/autism-and-narcissism

She is showing autistic traits, those more commonly seen though missed in girls. I would get her an assessment.

She needs to be assessed. It does sound possible - especially as it runs in the family. I know they don’t call is Asperger’s anymore and it’s just Autism but it sounds similar to me.

There’s some really rude comments directed at you on here - just ignore.

She is definitely struggling to make sense of the world and her place in it. There is obviously something going on, whether it’s some sort of ND, personality disorder or a reaction to her environment is impossible to say without getting advice. It sounds like it’s time to get some professional input.

Bit of a reach???

This sounds just like my SD, it's really difficult behaviour to curb. Have you tried telling her how her behaviour makes other people feel? If so how does she respond? Do you discipline her bad behaviour towards others? Have you always?

I wouldn't rule out autism/ADHD but I wouldn't think it just because shes mean, I'd maybe see how she is when she's not around mean behaviour at home as she's bound to be mean if she's being shown mean at home.

What you have described is not autism.

Autism doesn’t make you nasty. If a nice autistic person is told they’ve upset someone- they are unhappy about it because they didn’t mean to. A nasty autistic person doesn’t car, much like a nasty NT wouldn’t.

It’s something though (as well as just being mean). You need to find out what. But you also need to come down hard on the nastiness and rudeness.

my autistic dd particularly struggles with friendships and over the years much of her behaviour would definitely have been described as 'mean'
It was not intentional, and even when explaining why it wasn't kind she didn't always get it.
But she was distressed by the results (ie losing a friend)
But unless there are other reasons for you to believe that she is autistic, then you can't jump to that conclusion.

She sounds like she has an extreme lack of empathy, and extreme self focus.
If it is connected to you dh and his behaviour, you will only be able to unpick it once he has gone, and she learns that it is safe to have emotions, and safe to stop protecting herself.