AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

They are as mean and as tight as hell.

They are well off because they are tight.

Completely agree. My ILs are pretty well off (multiple houses etc) but probably the tightest people I’ve ever come across… It infuriates me. The sort of people to share a cup of coffee at Wetherspoons on the rare occasion they pay for anything when out and about. But more than happy to take from others when offered.

I really don't think you can label them 'mean' when without their generosity, OPs kid wouldn't have a bike.

I'd bet the house on the fact that they've gifted that money earlier in the year, then flapped about it being unfair on the other grandchildren and retroactively made it a Christmas and birthday present to balance things out. It's bad communication, sure. But it's cheeky of OP to just assume they will pick up the slack on Christmas presents, then get upset when they don't.

I am not sure what your point is.

I think presents that are for the sake of giving a present .. without any thought of the child receiving .. are pretty pointless.

And I realise that my husband doesn’t expect to receive presents he wants from his parents therefore doesn’t see anything strange about his child receiving the same.

Would say that generosity is in the eye of the receiver. I come from a big family and don’t receive big presents from anyone. I don’t expect to either. What I think is generous extends to the personal touch as well as the £ expended.

I think it’s very odd to be retired and comfortable and not to want to help with things like a new bike.

People have their own idea of what they are comfortable present wise and if they are only prepared to get him a book for Christmas then just say thanks for the book.

It’s the experiences people remember not the presents so they are missing out by not spending time with their grandchild. They could not buy him a physical present at all and take him somewhere instead. But if they choose to get a book and not spend any time with him that is up to them. I wouldn’t bother saying anything.

If there are multiple grandchildren then there can be a massive perceived pressure to appear to be being fair.

When people are like this though it's upsetting because you know they are just giving because it's expected and it's convention. They are deriving no joy from it. They aren't enjoying the feeling of treating their grandchild to something nice. They are keeping score and resenting every penny they spend on him. It's vile.

I feel sorry for them. It’s a huge joy to buy presents for anyone, far less much loved grandchildren.

"I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas."
But they haven't opted out - they've spent £50 on the birthday and £50 on Christmas plus another token gift, personally I think that's more than enough for a 7 year old, a 7 year old doesn't really care about the amount of money spent on them so I don't understand why you are feeling hurt. Sorry, but I think you could be a bit more gracious and grateful for what your son receives.

OP, I agree they are being awful. It's horrible behaviour.

BUT don't turn this thread into a 'people with less money are more generous/people with more money want to spend less', because that's BS.

The way it was done sounds mean. If they have a ground rule of around £100 per grandchild per year, fair enough. But how were you to know that the contribution towards the bike was in place of a gift at Christmas as well as for your son's birthday? I'd chalk it up to experience, and turn down any future offers. Your son's probably a bit young to notice he's not getting much spent on him this year, but that will soon change, and it might feel hurtful if he realises he's only getting token gifts in the future.

Guess it is possible the other side of the family kicked off after they found out that the other grandkid got a bike paid partly for by the grandparents.

Hence the grandparents desperately try to back track to even it all up without having to shell out for all of them at once.

No good deed goes unpunished ...

Thread incoming, "grandparents treat grandkids differently ..."

But they're not opting out - they are going to get him something small.

I do think I understand your feeling of not being sure what anything means or what the implications/implicit bargains are - could you ask or have a conversation about this?

I don’t think it’s about the value.

When they offered the money it in the summer it was a contribution to a birthday gift.

They’ve moved the goalposts.

What do they normally spend on Christmas/Birthday prezzies for the GCs?

You say they like to make sure they're spending the same on all the grandkids - If yours was the only one that got money towards a bike this year, maybe they're balancing the books by getting him a small Christmas present?

There's nothing wrong with a book as a Christmas present anyway, especially if you remind the kid that the bike was a special present from them this year.

It's one thing to ask them for help with something you need, but I don't think it's fair to just expect a family member you view as well off to pick up the slack because you're struggling. It's certainly not right to label them 'mean' for not going overboard with presents.

I'd give them their £100 back and a list of expensive stuff your ds would like.

That sounds just like my former in-laws, except that I think they have only ever given DD two gifts ever in her life. They just “don’t do” presents. They do of course spend at least sixty thousand pounds a year on their own holidays, and like receiving gifts. DD (aged 11) has bought them gifts out of her own pocket money for Christmas, after saving for ages, and I’ve just realised it means she has spent more on them than they ever have on her. Which kind of blows my mind. She thinks she receives presents from them because I buy and wrap presents and mark them as for her from her grandparents, because all of her friends are spoiled by grandparents, and I didn’t want her to know how little they care. She visits them once a year with my ex and that’s it.

which is to say - yes your in laws are being mean! Many of that generation are (not all), and the richer they are the tighter they are!

I’d go against the grain here slightly - new bike/£100 is generous. I know millionaires who often give their adult DC cheap hampers of supermarket cheese and beers for their birthday - some people just don’t do showering with fancy gifts. It’s also generational - £100 to them is a lot, even if they’re well off. When I told DH’s DGM that we used to spend £1200 a month on nursery she nearly died of shock.

As you say, if there are other DGC they’re probably trying to be fair. A “token gift” could be a jumper, jigsaw puzzle or book your DC really wants. Those are still decent presents!

They’re not obliged to give out lots of expensive stuff; they may be being sensible and saving for care home costs.

My DPs would offer to help us out with big purchases eg white goods if we were struggling, but they don’t go OTT with presents for DS at birthdays and Christmas because as a modern day child they see he (luckily for him) has tonnes of toys and books already.

Love this 😄

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That’s not what she’s saying really is it though.

Haha you’re probably right even still, it’s mind blowing. I don’t expect £100 gifts. But I’d hope she’d put a bit more..effort? I dunno.

It's almost certainly this. If they normally spend say £50 on a gift for a grandchild, they maybe think it's unfair on the others that they spent £100 on your son.
I think it's mean though and they should be buying him more than a token gift.

Give them their £100 back saying if you’d known they were struggling you’d never have taken it.