AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

There are no strings whatsoever attached to the bike gift. The OP isn't required to do anything in return.

People don't necessarily plot every conversation out to the nth degree. A spontaneous conversation is not a binding contract.
"We're thinking of getting a bike for Oliver's birthday this summer."
"Oh, great! Which one? Oh, that's expensive. We could contribute 100 quid."
"Oh, thank you, that will help make it possible."

Later at home, GPs talk: "We can't really afford 100 for each grandchild, now that I think about it. How's that going to work?"
"Hmm, you're right. But we already committed the £100. I guess this can be Oliver's big gift from us for birthday AND Christmas. We'll get him a book or something so he has a present to open. And that way we'll be sticking to the £100 per grandchild annual limit."

They do not owe OP an explanation of how they budget.

No one asked them to helped pay for a bike, they didn’t have to do it at all, and if they thought the annual spending was too much and out of balance then they really shouldn’t have offered in the first place.

you either offer because you genuinely want to do it, or you don’t offer because it would go over your yearly budget.. what you SHOULDN'T be doing is giving a no strings attached ‘gift’ then attaching strings later when you feel like it..

I’m quite interested though, would you do this? Offer to pay for something for a child as an ‘early birthday present’, then when Christmas rolls round tell them that you’ve already spent enough on them that year so you’ll buy them a book but nothing else?

I accept graciously and don't impugn the givers' character behind their back, or begrudge them their holidays and personal spending.

This notion that the grandparents are "moving the goalposts" or "disappointing the OP's expecations" because they offered to help with the bike and then, when reviewing their annual spending on ALL the grandchildren, evened it up - is absurd. They didn't owe OP an explanation of their annual budget at the time they offered to assist with the bike. Why were they even drawn into that conversation in the first place? "Thanks, mum, but we've got it covered," on the OP's part would have saved everyone a lot of aggravation.

This expectation that grandparents who have worked all of their lives are supposed to set aside their own hopes for the last decade or two of their lives and instead be generous benefactors to the younger generation who have barely put any time into the workforce is insane.

She... could have, yes. Do you refuse gifts from everyone you know if you can afford things yourself?

Yes. She could have said “Thanks, but we’ll buy the bike.”

If the OP were capable of buying the bike herself, why did she take their cash?

Do you know how gifts work?

Irrational my arse.

Gifts should be received gratefully.

Of course they should, but if your parents gifted all your nieces and nephews a £40-£50 gift at Christmas, and bought your child a book. Would you thank your lucky stars that they have been given anything at all and be grateful? or would you think, I have no right to expect anything for my child anyway so I'm happy that they are being singled out and treated differently! Load of tosh and pure virtue signaling IMO.

I'd be disappointed if my parents generously offered to buy my child a BIRTHDAY gift, then in the run up to Christmas decided, actually it was too much at the time and it should also be a Christmas present too, because in that case it wasn't a generous gift at all was it?? Just their regular birthday present amount which happened to include a £50 advance for next time? So why not just say that rather than pretend it is something it's not?

In fairness, I have issues with taking money off people for things that I think we should be buying anyway, and would never be spending £100+ on a bike in the first place, I'd rather my family get my DD something that I know she'd like from a charity shop than waste money on something unnecessary just to hold the value of it over her for months to come.

This is just irrational.

The OP has zero right to “expect” anything from grandparents. Zero.

So she doesn’t need to “know what to expect.”

Gifts should be received gratefully. If gifts don’t materialize, it’s crass, greedy and entitled to sit around whining about their absence.

Resentment towards someone who appears to have more stuff then them will eventually kill society.

I'm not sure you've understood what OP is upset about in fairness. She isn't upset that her child is getting a book for Christmas or feels entitled to the GP money, she's upset that the GP OFFERED (not asked) to help with a bike and use it as a birthday present (absolutely fair enough), but instead they've now carried that on to Christmas too..

Will it be next birthday as well? Next Christmas too? Why not just be upfront at the time so everyone knew what to expect.. I assume because OP may have turned their offer down for the bike if they'd had known. They would probably prefer their child to, instead, be treated the same as the other grandchildren around Christmas and birthdays so as not to be singled out or made to feel inferior/confused.

*That’s why they have less money!” no. It isn’t why they have less money.

There’s been a lot of research on the effects of wealth and poverty on behaviour. People with less are more inclined to share because they’re well aware that they need to make alliances in order to survive. People with more have less need of others. This has been investigated in numerous experiments.

What is also interesting is why people like to have these ideas about the behaviour of wealthy and poor individuals. I think it’s because if you believe that the poor bring their destitute circumstances on themselves and the rich are rich because they deserve to be rich, it place less demands on one’s own obligations to assist others.

Nobody likes to acknowledge the luck that, for example, has had them bornin a particularly wealthy country, to have been born when one’s mother was less stressed than she was with other siblings, to have the good job that they have or to have had otherlucky events in their life that helped them and so on.

Many people can’t even recognise these moments of luck until they are talked through their life stories- this has been researched, too.

Agree. I'd rather see my family benefit now than struggle and wait until I pop my clogs. Always been the same with my grandparents and parents.

Amazing result. Makes me feel for the nation - and other generations. Doesn't anyone buy their own kid's presents?

It seems the socialist government has already fed mothers their socialist principles of soaking the people they think are rich and giving it to others who cannot be bothered to work for it.

Before the rich are 'soaked' shouldn't someone ascertain the extent of their wealth.

Resentment towards someone who appears to have more stuff then them will eventually kill society.

I just cant with Grandparents like this fgs..if they have the money help them out..spend on your little grandchildren..I save all year so I can give my 4 girls aged 29 27 18 and 16 a good Christmas..I now have 2 grandchildren..aged 21 months and 6 months at Christmas..they all get treated great,the 21 month is getting more spent in her this year but my 27 year old daughter that has the 6 month old understands that Cormac dosent need as much this year as he 6 months old..next year they will have bought a house all going well so he will have same as Rìa..they don't mind what each other gets during the year if I buy the kids things they need..sorry you're going through this..your DH needs to just say something..especially about using the bike as an excuse again at Christmas..its so unfair..xx

As someone on a low income like yourself and having 2 children this would anger me so no I don't think your being unreasonable. If they were in a difficult financial position and they said we can't afford to get your son anything big this year then that's completely fine but considering that they have no financial struggles then they have no reason to get one present for your son and split it for birthday and Christmas. Me and my husband have got to a point with certain members of our family where we will plan for our kids what we are buying and we set terms and we say don't spend a huge amount on the kids so that they deliberately can't say oh we spend a lot on your kids birthday so we won't be spending anything on Christmas. Also as for not spending much time with your son it sounds like to me that they don't see it as a privilege to have a grandson. I also know what this is like and sometimes you have to say enough is enough and do what's best for your kids.

@Gingerbreadcottage Maybe they had a discussion and felt like spending the £100 on the bike was giving your son preferential treatment over the other Grandkids. Rather than buy the other Grandkids more to restore the balance it's possible they decided the solution was to cut back on ds. Perhaps even your sibling/s might have voiced their bad feelings over your son having had help with the bike.

Some people are just really really anxious about money, they cling to it, they panic over it. Sometimes it's like a mental health disorder, especially when they have more than enough, because their fear isn't based in reality.

I know this feels like a personal insult to your son, like he is not loved, and also like they don't care about you enough. But if you can look at this from a place of compassion and understanding of where they are coming from, rather than resentment, then hopefully you'll be able to feel closer to them.

Money stays with money as they say.
I would try to dwell on item my In laws are exactly the same. They have a lot of finances and have a holiday home which we are grateful to be able to use once a year. They don't buy any birthday or Christmas presents. It's a blessing in my eyes though as it's less plastic tat toys that crowds the house. They do get a lot from their other set of grandparents, so I am lucky with that. It's probably the opposite, where one side gives to many toys and presents and the other size do zero presents. They didn't even buy anything when they were born, which I found a little bit odd, but they did get a card.

That’s why they have less money!

But seriously, they have shown you who and how they are, so just pull back a little and make sure that they only get token presents in return (and don’t let them “contribute” to any more presents - make a list so that if you are asked what to get the GC, you have a ready response next time, too).

TBH my own parents were a little like this, so I’ve rebelled against their attitude with my own DC and on the whole, Christmas and Birthdays at my house are much more joyful affairs than my childhood ones!

I agree that £50 is fine from a grandparent. I think this would have been fine if it had been communicated better. Rather than giving the money and then retrospectively saying that he wouldn't be getting a Christmas present.

Me too. I guess that's why they have less 🤔

Is £50 for Christmas and birthday considered a small amount for grandparents?

My mum has got my son something he desperately wants for Christmas and it is nearly £100. As a result he'll get a token gift for his birthday in March.

He knows this and is happy with it. I feel a bit bad because it's more than the usual spend but she will make his day.

I guess because it's part of a present it perhaps doesn't feel quite the same as they didn't buy it outright. But it feels pretty generous, especially if they have multiple grandchildren.

I only spend around £20 on my niece's and nephews.

You're right there.

My DM is by far the worst off out of all the GPs but also by the most generous.

Our DC are the eldest GC.

My FIL and his wife (my DHs stepmother) are well off, get out DC absolutely nothing. Didn't even acknowledge our eldest's 18th birthday. They've also never been there for us, never visit. So now we don't visit them.

On the other hand they spoil their joint GC something rotten. Look after him all the time.

It hurts.

Would the child have the bike if the grandparents had not contributed?

If the OP were capable of buying the bike herself, why did she take their cash?

This poster's lengthy (and often derailing) contributions on other threads often berate posters for being unkind and unchristian. As she is a practising Christian, I'm appalled that she wishes to remove Child Benefit from even the very poorest children.

Definitely mean. And annoying!

Sorry but I was thinking a book is a nice Christmas gift from grandparents.