AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

They may just be tight/thrifty/mean but i did have one hought...

What do your parents do financially for DS?
Are they rich/poor?

Is there any kind of "we don't want to create a competition her parents have to keep up with"

Also what's DH pov? Is he interacting with his parents on this stuff?

They didn't buy the bike.

How is it fair to lie and deceive? They are scum who want to look generous but are anything but.

Did he thank them for the bike? I always ensure my kids send a note or say thank you in person, it is a big thing in my family to ensure you’ve shown thanks for gifts. I’ve known people get smaller presents when enough thanks has not been shown

I think if there are other GC that could be the issue and they want to be fair. Also, although they look financially well off, the reality can be different - big house is more in up keep and heating. When you are retired then that is it - no more potential for savings and very possibly they may be putting money aside in savings for each GC. Yes, lots of trips but potentially they are going on good deals and not taking things like drinks packages, etc, when away. I get that a book seems rather stingy - why don’t you suggest something that is £25 ish and see what the reaction is. I also think it is really easy just to forget or lose sight of what children like/need and when. I think I’d have a fair idea of a 7year old wishes based on my sons but it could be way out as it was 13 years ago and lost in the mists of time. I think it will be the ‘being fair’ to all thing - if there are lots of gc thenfair enough. Perhaps to them £50 for a birthday and another £50 for Christmas is quite a lot times that by the mount of gc then see if your perspective changes. I don’t think it worth getting huffy about it in front of them. Perhaps they are saving for when they are incapacitated so won’t be so much of a burden.

This I actually do believe. My parents are extremely generous, as are my in laws, but my parents are really strict about not favouring one grandchild or seeming as though they are (especially the one GDD). So, £100 for one actually means £700 out of their pockets.

My in laws are also extremely generous but blatantly favour a different child or grandchild or two depending on what my MIL sees in the shops!

Offer to pay the £100 back and explain your DS would rather the birthday / Xmas gifts like the rest of his cousins.

They’re a pair of tight miserable bastards but they are who they are and won’t change.

So entitled. The in-laws didn’t have any say in their income
and expenditure. Why does DH need a frank conversation? To make sure they give enough gifts? That would go down like a lead balloon I imagine.

They sound beyond awful. It's not the money that would bother me, it's the manipulation and penny pinching.

I would seriously re-assess how much effort I make with these utter twats.

Who makes the effort to visit?
What do you do for their presents?

I would dial it right back. No more hosting them. No more lifts. No elder care. Fuck then.

I do understand how you’re feeling but I guess it depends on how many other family members they’ve got and how much they spend on all of them.

If they have 6 grandkids then £100 each would be quite a lot of money.

I think £50 for a present is reasonable.

I think they’re likely the type of people who have no idea what things costs/doesn’t understand how the cost of living has impacted people.

I understand why you’d feel upset though.
They should have at least said this upfront.

It sounds as though they like to stick to a budget of around £50 for birthday or Christmas gifts, which I think is fair enough. If you end up with lots of grandhchildren and you've set a precedent of spending very generously on them just because you can, then what might be manageable for one or two grandkids can quickly get out of hand if you find yourself with five or six later down the line.

How much they could afford per child, per gift is not really the point.

You say you didn't ask for the contribution towards his bike, but my hunch is that this offer to pay £100 towards it didn't just come out of nowhere. What's the context? Did they hear you or your son discuss the bike he really wanted? Were they aware it would be a struggle to afford it without their help?

The only think I can see they've done wrong here is that, judging by the way you tell it, they didn't make it clear at the time that that £100 towards his bike would essentially be an early birthday AND Christmas present, therefore you should not expect anything more than a token gift when those occasions came around.

My PILs have always been tight with presents for my DC (who are their only grandchildren). Typically one book for each child, that kind of thing. DH has recently got involved in their finances (after FIL died) and we could not believe how much they had sitting in the bank!

Don’t say that. Just next time they offer decline with thanks

It seems mean because it is. It's not just the amount (but £100 is nothing like what it used to be - I bet they spend £100 on a meal out without thinking twice!). It's more the uncomfortable feeling that they seem to be dwelling on the amount they spent, and fixating on it, even resenting it a bit. After all, the way you tell it they didn't originally mention anything about the bike being for both birthday and Christmas, and now they've come up with this idea. It's just mean.

Hmm, I think some and some.

Obviously it's tight and quite infra dig to keep mentioning money - as if the 100 quid is a gift that keeps on giving.

OTH, however, despite the fact that you may perceive them to be well off, they may have one eye on retirement funds. I know both sets of parents in my family do have an anxiety about, for eg, care home fees and, illogically, a gifted £100 here or there might feel more indulgent than a holiday.

Also, they may feel that they've 'done' the magic and heavy lifting of Christmas and as parents, it's your responsibility to get the 'main' or more expensive presents. After all, they had their share of that as actual parents.

So yes, being magnanimous, this may explain their stance. But yeah, on the whole it sounds churlish of them. What would you have asked for for your son, out of interest?

YANBU. With the circumstances you’ve described I think it does sound mean. He’s a child and they offered to contribute to the bike. If I was them I’d buy him a Christmas and Birthday present and not keep mentioning the bike, as it takes the shine off what they did in the first place.

We’re comfortably off retirees.
And nobody did help us. They didn’t have the money.

I don’t want my dc to struggle. We’ve helped both with weddings, houses, renovations etc.
And they all get a budget of £70 for Christmas to choose a gift and we spend another £30 on extras.

Yep that does seem to be the attitude amongst ‘some’ - my FIL on the other hand at 86 is incredibly generous and helps our son in London (27) all the time to get by . We have to stop him offering

It doesn’t FEEL mean, it IS mean. This is not on you.

your DH needs to have a franker conversation about how much tougher it is to afford life now, their generation (MY generation) had it much easier and they are considerably better off than you now. Which is all that matters.

God this kind of tight-arsedness drives me batshit. What kind of grandparents don’t want to spoil their grandkids at Christmas when they have the means to do so!!! My MIL can be a bit tight with money, but mostly on herself… she’s always extremely generous to her grandchildren, and her generosity is very gratefully received. All she expects in return is a thank you card which we are more than happy to provide.

I would have said/ would say
In laws, you offered the £100.
How many birthdays and Christmases need to pass before you’re prepared to spend on your dgc again because imo you are being pretty mean.

Yes that’s tight. I’ve often found that retirees who are well off think the younger generation need to go through the pain like they did when they were young parents and struggling. They’ll say nobody helped them, either. That, couple with knowing there’s no further income for them, just spending from now on, means they budget and stress, often needlessly. I don’t understand it. What’s the point of money if not this, once your future is secure?