New partner hiding my vape

You don't know that the DP hiding came before the OP's lying. OP admitted she didn't take up smoking until several months into the relationship. Knowing DP views its quite likely she tried to conceal this new habit to partner first. Also pretty unfair to take up a habit that you know your partner is dead against. It's why dating sites put emphasis on 'are you a smoker?', 'would you date a smoker?'. People usually have strong opinions on the subject. OP should have been honest and upfront about becoming a regular smoker and asking DP if it would be a dealbreaker. DP also needs to accept the reality that OP is a smoker and have decided if that was a dealbreaker instead of behaving childishly.

Weed vape?
surely he knew about it before?

oh and leave him ffs.

Personally I don't like vaping or smoking - mostly because of the health risks. But in a relationship neither person can be controlling. I'd dump his sorry arse - he is trying to control you. Imagine this is how it's going to be for as long as you're with him, playing some silly game of "hide the vape" or whatever else he does like. You'll resent it and he's not worth it.

If they were conflicted and only concerned for the OP's health and wellbeing they'd be having an adult discussion about it, not hiding her "toy" like a 5 year old 🙄

Good luck op. It wont get any better and it will escalate to other areas of your life. Instead of taking responsibility for enforcing their own boundaries and red lines they'll just weaken yours until you dont recognise yourself anymore.

You've been with them a year. Seriously don't mend something so broken.

You don't sound compatible. I wouldn't date a smoker or vaper so he needs to either tolerate it or move on if you are not planning on stopping vaping.

It's controlling. It doesn't matter what it is. A glass of wine, a piece of cake, an outfit yiou wear, a friend you see. Your partner has no right to shape your life to suit theirs.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread partner should dump you. Smoking/inhaling anything is grim. Dump partner for red flags, obviously.

You started vaping months into the relationship? That’s not great when you're dating someone you know doesn’t like it. If you won’t stop and they hate it and you hate being told to stop, then either you or they should probably walk.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread good luck sorting this out.

the fact that you say about your partner “There’s no way I’d have a say over their choices as a) they’re extremely strict on boundaries and free will and b) it’s not for me to say”

but they don’t allow you a boundary and the free will to behave as you choose with your own body is astonishing. If you did this to them with their alcohol or something how would they feel and act?

Whilst they might dislike you vaping and have made it clear it is absolutely not on them to hide your vape etc. if they don’t like it that much - then their choices are leave or put up with it. This is making me feel uncomfortable that they feel it’s ok to act like this with someone they don’t even live with. They are not helping with the stressful period of your life you are going through by adding to it with this behaviour. They might feel they are trying to do their best for you but you are an adult and it’s not on them to do this. Sorry I’m just very angry about this! 😂

Are their other niggles starting to show? They’d be getting smacked bloody handsies if they tried that with me. And I speak as an ex smoker who dislikes vaping intensely. It’s your bloody choice and right. Good luck sausage. Sorry about the bun fight occurring around us.

Well I also hates vapes and wouldn’t want to be with something that vapes or smokes. But his behaviour is a bit controlling. I would say you are not compatible because obviously he doesn’t want to be with someone who vapes and obviously you don’t want to stop.

I would be seeing less of this woman. You need to decide how important vaping is to you and whether or not having your behaviour controlled by someone else is acceptable.
I wouldn’t be happy if my husband took up vaping. It’s addictive and smelly. I wouldn’t hide them though but talk about why he had started this knowing I disliked it. As you don’t live together you have the option of just vaping when she is not there but you may want to vape more frequently. I wouldn’t hide the fact that you vape though just say you won’t do it when together but there is to be no more controlling behaviour by them. I suspect the fact that she has strong boundaries herself but is willing to trample over yours means you are better without her.

Op is doing that because they are hiding her vape and lying about it.

Already nicely trained to feel worried about how the partner will react.

The partner can make that decision anyway if they hate vaping so much.

I would agree though op just needs to say "i vape, deal with it or piss off"

This was purely about hiding the vape

But you know that is controlling and unreasonable, so it is highly unlikely it is 'just about the vape' and more about a pattern of behaviour from him that is concerning you.

It doesn't sound like you are at a place where you think you can address it, which is just proof that his way of controlling you is working perfectly, he is making you feel you are wrong, when you are not. In your own house you can do whatever you like and he has absolutely zero right to try and manipulate you into being the person he wants you to be.

The personal comments may have derailed the thread for you, but from everything you have listed above, about YOU being the one to work on the relationship and how YOU wouldn't leave for something so 'minor', you are the perfect target for someone to control and manipulate you, I hope you realise before it's too late that this isn't normal or healthy in a relationship.

Haha no, I didn't drink that much but I was toung and liked to drink, he would go out cycling all morning then come home and ask why I hadnt tidied up while he was out and yes I did have loud music in my car.. but I was in my early 20s and I liked it. And it was MY car. Why should I put up with some guys comments on my lifestyle, music choices and comments on when I do my tidying.

Yes - I am reading her partner as female too.

Take the vape out of this, what if this was your purse? Your medication?
what I’m saying is it really doesn’t matter what the object is, the issue is he is Snidey and manipulative enough to hide your belongings.
it’s a proper ick! I’ll bet he was watching you all night hoping you’d search for it. To add to that, he involved another person who is a “mutual” friend, I’d suggest they’re no friend of yours.
back to the vape, hiding it won’t stop you so what’s the real reason it was hidden?
he could have chosen a supportive path of support patches nicotine gum but no he chose to hide it….
good luck

I wouldn't be impressed if my friend did this it's out of order. As others have said get rid of him.

I have to say I would be floored if my intelligent adult husband decided to take up vaping for no good reason. It’s a smoking cessation aid!!!

Id be really annoyed if i got with a non smoker who didnt vape and then a few months later took it up randomly even knowing i really disliked it.

Me too. I'd probably leave!

Sounds like he is hoping to avoid breaking up with you over it but really is hoping you'll give in and stop.

Perhaps depends what the other red flags are?

You're not compatible, simple as that. You shouldn't have to put up with him hiding your belongings; he shouldn't have to put up with your grim vaping. Find someone else.

I know the relationship needs work, I’m working on it.

Hopefully they are as well & hopefully you aren't working on it to your detriment.

OP, would you please answer before you go (and I can understand why you’re upset/confused), but can you see how illogical this is?

It’s your home and your vape. You bought the vape so you could use it. He knows that. He’s hidden it and now you daren’t ask where he’s put it because then they (him and your friend) will know that you want to use it. Of course you do, it’s precisely why you bought it!

Apart from that, it being your home, he’s hidden it in a safe (from you) place. Would that entail him rummaging around for that safe place?

I think this is quite different. Id be really annoyed if i got with a non smoker who didnt vape and then a few months later took it up randomly even knowing i really disliked it.

Sounds like he is hoping to avoid breaking up with you over it but really is hoping you'll give in and stop.

I'll be honest i cant understand why anyone would voluntarily start vaping these days who didnt already have a nicotine addiction