New partner hiding my vape

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthreadif you come back to this /keep reading. One thing to keep in mind- new-ish relationships shouldn’t need work.

Oh god he sounds really fucking annoying, get rid before he finds something else he thinks he should have control over.

I think OP is talking about her partner and friend when she says ‘they’.

You said, "....hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.", and
"...they've hidden it again".

How many people are you talking about? You said "DP" a couple of times which sounds like one, and then talk about more than one.

You don't live together so it is none of his/her business whether or not you vape. Tell your partner that, make it clear and if there is no co-operation, ditch.

It's a fair enough assumption on a forum where the vast majority of posters are straight women

Its exactly the same. The partner doesnt like it and is using manipulative tactics to get op to stop the behaviour they dont approve of instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings.

Pouring a bottle of wine over a partner’s head would be assault.

Its nothing like a glass of wine, a piece of cake or an outfit.

Some of us find vaping repulsive and it inflicts it on others so much more than a glass of wine etc. The closest of your examples would be taking that bottle of wine and pouring it over your partners head every time.

Agree the partners actions are controlling but its not remotely the same

Love it....
This exactly...

I am assuming it’s a woman hiding the vape which is why OP is being so dismissive.

I think it’s often easier to see controlling behaviour when a man does it.

I loathe smoking and vaping so would never see anyone who did either of those things.

So save him the bother and dump him. He has no business moving your stuff or telling you what you can and can't do

I’m not the type of person to leave over things like this

OP this is really concerning!

Do you work?
If so, do you regularly hide your co-workers tools or stationary because you don’t like them using them?

Do you do it to family members?

You wouldn’t find this acceptable if a colleague, friend or family member did it - so why is it ok for a partner??

Love the way everyone assumes it’s a he

Get rid of him. It's not just the comments and the hiding your vape, it's the fact that you were trying to hide it from him, in your own home. So yes he's controlling.

Yes, what if he decided he wanted you a little slimmer and your favourite chocolate bar goes missing. Just for your own good.

Plenty of people are teetotal, and alcohol's hardly great for the body, but they don't treat their friends and partners like this for taking a glass of wine.
I'd invite him round for a drink, before pouring it down the sink and then tell him he's dumped.

It's not about a vape. It's about control.

You gave them the ick and instead of leaving they tried to control you.

They hid your vape instead of accepting you or leaving you and you tolerated it. Can you see what this says about their mindset? Their belief that they have the right to control you, make decisions from you and make you powerless.

Agree with others. Next it will be what you wear, who you see, where you go. Can't go out because the car keys of door keys have disappeared.

You said it's not worth leaving a relationship for, I would disagree even if they apologised, immediately sought help and promised not to do it again. But they haven't done that, they think you are property to control. What happens when you can't be controlled with words and hiding things. Violence?

Of course this sort of controlling behaviour is worth ending the relationship over. This is not a good person. You aren’t just being controlled you’re being openly judged and your behaviour adapted as though you were a child. Imagine being told off and scolded by your partner for this.

OP, if your partner then decides they don’t like like you drinking and starts hiding your wine what would you say then? What if you wanted to go out and they hid your car keys? It’s shocking behaviour.

Why are you so willing to put up with this? He's not your boss and it's not his house.

Please look into the Freedom Programme - you don't need a big reason to end any relationship: Source: share.google/k6oBDrN1Rxw5aM99o

I mean, i find vaping or smoking pretty gross to be fair. I wouldn't hide them from you, i'd just not be in a relationship in the first place.

It's certainly a bit controlling but probably from the point of view that he knows it isn't good for you, but people are going to continue doing what they're addicted to anyway and will only change when they are ready to do it for themselves.

So sorry, I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a partner.

It could well progress to him not liking your clothes, or you wearing make up - or your friends. My stepmother told me she was 'timed' when she went out shopping and beaten if she was late back, it started small with her too.

If you do want to stop, I recommend the '12 week no smoking scheme' that comes up in March. They phoned me every week, had patches delivered to my local Boots, and were very supportive. I did put on weight and they recommended the Mediterranean diet which I did - I lost the stone fairly quickly. I went to NZ and was so glad not to vape anymore as you cannot board Singapore Airlines with any gear. I went to NZ and had a wonderful time ... then caught Covid for the first time and spent four days on my own in Queenstown. Very interesting time for me wandering about alone, I learnt a lot about the Maori. Two years later I've just had Covid again and I'm not recovering as well, think that first bout did some damage.

Good luck!

Do you live together op? I'd hate a partner to start vaping in my house.

I also think smoking or vaping would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship (because I used to smoke and wouldn't want to be around it now as I know that would be a slippery slope for me, plus the smell etc). So in that respect I can see their side in that if I was dating someone I really liked and cared about for that long then they started doing that I'd probably struggle to break up over it but also wouldn't support it at all.

Ultimately though it's your choice and if they hate it that much they should just break up with you rather than playing games over it.

If there's other things in the relationship that aren't sitting well with you then you need to listen to your gut. It's one thing to want to work at a relationship you're committed to, but you always need to ask yourself if they are putting the same amount of work in off their own bat without you having to ask them to do it. If they aren't then it's not worth your effort. You can't create a healthy relationship without equal buy in and effort.

I'm also not a fan of vaping and smoking (my DH smokes) but there is no chance in hell I will be disrespecting him by hiding his cigarettes. You are right it's not about the vaping, it's about attitude and respect. He is treating you like a child - as if hiding it will resolve the issue and he is the one who knows best where yoy are concerned. Since ending the relationship has been mentioned and you have said you have some concern about controlling behaviour, I would consider artificially creating some situations to see what his reactions will be and how he handles conflict. This will help you in deciding if the things he does are a deal breaker. Better push it a bit to know now rather than 2-3 years down the road. Best of luck.

Oh wind your neck in, you GF

But would this class as controlling?

Well, of course it fucking would.

If he hates vaping, fine. He can say that he hates it and it's up to him to decide whether he hates it enough to end a relationship over. He can also say that you can't vape in his home.

But hiding your vape? 'Pulling you up' on the fact that you've vaped while out with friends? That's incredibly controlling, infantilising and horrible. He needs to fuck off.

The fact that you also have 'other red flags' that you haven't mentioned makes me think you're being very, very naive about this relationship.