To wonder whether people ever think about the friends they ghosted or dropped for no reason, especially when they did it badly or hurtfully?

I’m on the verge of ghosting someone. There have always been minor issues but now the bad is outweighing the good.

She is controlling, bossy and patronising. Therapy has made her worse as she now has ramped up the bad traits and sees them as ‘strong boundaries’.

A mutual friend has already ghosted her. I will be going for a slow fade. There’s no point to a discussion as her personality won’t change and I don’t want to dissect every incident. Plus she would be very hurt, which I don’t want to do.

Agree there is usually a reason. For me I stopped being useful. I filled a gap when she wasnt working. Got dropped as fast. Just wont get used again. I agree though if someone really nasty you prob would ghost than confront them about it.

Exactly. In some situations there just isn't any good way to end a friendship.

I don't think I've ever "ghosted" anyone as such, but I've chosen to do a slow fade sometimes. It seems like the best way, in a lot of cases. I'm not sure anyone's been very upset by it. Maybe they were slow-fading me as well?!

I certainly wouldn't want to start in with explanations of why I didn't want to be friends with them any more. Who wants to hear that their relentless negativity brings me down, or that they're obsessed with money and their frugality is ruining our meet-ups (even though they're richer than me), or that they are permanently needy and self-obsessed, or that I'm just more busy now and want to prioritise my time with the people I like more than them? Wouldn't that just make them feel worse?

Me and my best friend of 20 years fell out.

She was 100% in the wrong.

We had never had a crossed word until she got with a new man.

We made up and met up to clear the air - she had basically twisted things to make it that she was in the right (her bf put thoughts into her head).

I was shocked how anyone can twist things so much but she basically convinced herself that she was right and I was wrong.
She will stand by it to this day and so she doesn’t feel guilt because in her mind she did nothing wrong.

I don’t know that this thread will help you because only they know the reason, and only they know how they feel. Mn is always full of assumptions which are all people can have really- people can assume people are users, claim narcissist, or say they may be going through something or be depressed. Nobody really knows a person’s situation!

This !!!

there’s always a reason. You might not think it valid, or bad enough that you’d walk away from a friendship, but they have a reason that makes it the best course of action for them.

Agreed. The friend I dropped after 10 years was not being loyal to me and didn’t realise (or understand)? that they were being used to find out information about me by someone who caused a lot of trouble for me. They kept divulging things thinking the other person was genuinely interested.

I dropped them because they were also friends with a sworn enemy of mine who kept pretending to show an interest in my business to find out from them where I was working and then sabotage my work.

I was doing a lot of high profile work at the time in public locations and my work kept being mysteriously stolen and destroyed overnight. After I dropped the friend and the mutual ‘frenemy’ couldn’t find out where I was working, my work suddenly stopped being sabotaged.

I do still think about them 20 years later and wonder about them but I just couldn’t trust them. I did try to explain what was happening but they just didn’t believe it and thought I was imagining it.

I’m not sure I’ve technically ghosted anyone but I have lost touch with quite a few friends. When I think of them I wonder what they are doing and wish them well.

Some of them I just didn’t want to meet up with anymore because I wasn’t enjoying it much. We just didn’t have much in common or I didn’t like how they were behaving.

Other people it was because I couldn’t logistically meet up anymore. Before I had children I would think nothing of travelling across country to meet, but after having children I just couldn’t do it anymore. I would have been running myself ragged.

Equally, I understand if people stop replying to me or distance themselves. I agree with previous poster that I would prefer to be faded out rather than someone send me a message saying they don’t want to be friends anymore because they find me boring or that I’ve changed with age and we don’t have anything in common!

for no reason

When people ghost, there is nearly always a reason.

Ib was ghosted by a good friend. We lived about an hour apart do saw each other about once every couple of months. She was maid of honour at my wedding. I found out my ExH was cheating on me and sent her a text distraught telling her, she sent a text back saying 'sorry to hear that' and then never contacted me again. I always had a suspension that she may have tangled with him (he was a serious tangler) and a few years later I emailed her a nice message asking for closure but she never responded. I would have liked to know if it was something I did, in which case I could work on things, or if it was something else, but I likely will never know. If a friend was bothering me to a point i never wanted to speak to them, I would tell them why. People cant change unless told.

I faded someone out because they was no nice way to say “I get the miserable version of you whilst your other friends get the fun version”. They used me to dump all their life problems on and no amount of trying on my part shifted the dynamic and it became a very one-sided relationship that drained me. I’m sure they think we had a perfectly good friendship and they’ve still got obviously good friendships with others, so may well be baffled. I don’t feel guilty about it though, I hung on for way longer than I should and ultimately walked away to focus on other people in my life. I don’t regret any of it.

Yes I have done this recently as I had a friend who had severe anxiety that worsened over COVID. Constant long ranty messages became so draining that it was affecting my mental health and i had to pull back because I was no longer able to cope with it; i just ended up blocking her. I wish her well but no longer enjoyed her company and dreaded getting texts.
It's probably self preservation but addressing felt impossible as they couldn't take the slightest criticism.

I’m not who you were responding to, but just saying I personally would be open to an approach from a formerly good friend who went out of touch because of a depressive episode, especially if they explained briefly what had gone on and said they felt too bad about it to get back in touch once they felt better, and that if I was up for it, they’d like to see me, but that they understood if I didn’t.

I drop out of other people’s lives entirely when something bad is going on, but I say I’m doing it. I’ve never lost a good friend because of it.

I mean why are you asking in general, in this thread - has someone ghosted you? Have you ghosted someone and are now thinking about reaching out? Or is this just general curiosity?

Like @DarkSunrise I was ghosted and I don’t know why. Of course she had reasons, but I didn’t know what they were and I don’t now.

We’d spent the day together and I’d messaged her afterwards to say how much I’d enjoyed the day. No reply. I messaged again to wish her luck for a competition she was doing. No reply. I got the message then, of course. It’s just strange to think we had what I thought was a lovely day, then simply nothing.

People change dont they as well, I have a long time friend who has become so patronising over the years it makes me want to scream, yet I still see her because I hope that she will calm down at some point, but im close to not wanting to spend any time with her because im worried I might snap and be quite rude to her about it!
Another person i was friendly with a few years ago, seemed perfectly normal and then let slip something she had done in her previous relationship that was so obviously wrong and she thought it was a funny joke and made light of it. Could never look at her in the same way and didnt want to be around someone who couldn't see how horrible her actions were.

Honestly I wouldn't know how to start. It makes me sad. I also know a rejection will send me spiralling again... because frankly I was a rubbish friend even though I wasn't "me" for a bit.

I think life was simpler when we didn’t have the “ghosting”, “no contact”, “low contact” labels and we either saw people or we didn’t with none of the overthinking about it! Before mobiles and social media there wasn’t so much pressure on people to stay in touch with everyone all of the time.

There is no good way to end a friendship. I expect some people probably feel some guilt, but there isn’t any good way to end a friendship. I’d rather be ghosted than someone tell me all of the reasons they no longer want to be my friend and lay out all of my faults!

why are you asking?

Before I joined Mn I would have thought your post made no sense, as why would someone be friends with someone and see them regularly for a decade before dropping them without warning?

However, the single weirdest thing I’ve learned from Mn (other than that having to move your bowels anywhere outside your own home loo is a major misdemeanour and utterly disgusting, especially if you are a tradesman) is that a significant proportion of posters are in longterm ‘friendships’ with people they don’t like, and who don’t appear to like them much either!

So yes, I suspect you’re right in some cases. The person never liked you and for some reason has got tired of pretending. Why they were friends with someone they disliked in the first place is another matter.

I ended a friendship about 25 years ago. I initially ghosted, then after a few weeks I sent him an email explaining why. Basically after a couple of drinks he’d pick fights with me, and anyone else nearby, and I got sick of every night out ending with an argument. He was lovely when sober, but would argue that black was white after a couple of pints.

At the time we were all very sociable, going to the pub every weekend etc, so these arguments were a regular occurrence. These days I don’t drink, never really go to pubs, so if we were friends now I’m sure this wouldn’t be an issue.

I often think about him, and wonder what he’s doing. One day I might try and find him, but his name is quite common so I doubt I’d succeed. I don’t really regret it though, because at the time it was making me unhappy. But equally I can look back now and think how sad it must have made made him, because we were running buddies, and it left us both without someone to run with.

If I had my time again I’d handle it differently. As soon as I saw him reach the point at which he’d get argumentative, I’d ignore him and walk away.

Lots of people have this idea that friends owe them something, or that once you've made a friend then you are friends for ever.

The truth is, keeping the same set of friends for life is unusual. Most friendships are transitional - people come into your life for a reason, and once that reason no longer exists they just drift away again. I've lost contact with friends over the years, and it's not that we've deliberately stopped being friends, it's just the circumstances that bought us together no longer really exist - we're not living together any more, we don't have young kids anymore for playdates, we don't do the same hobby anymore etc.

In most cases friendships just fizzle out naturally, rather than someone making a deliberate effort to stop being friends with someone.

And saying 'well, people deserve an explanation' reminds me of the fact that for a lot of people, no matter how 'well' a partner breaks up with them, no matter how nicely, no matter how conscious of their feelings, they will find holes to pick at and deem that person a horrible evil human being.

If you said to someone 'hey, I dont think we should be friends, because our political views dont align and it makes me uncomfortable when you bring them up every time we meet and I just dont think this friendship has a future' then that person would accuse you of not being able to deal with anyone with different political ideas.

There is NO way of saying 'I dont want to continue the friendship because I find you really boring'

I dont know, a lot of the time im like... but how would you have actually taken that person's reasoning? Would you have actually accepted it and moved on, or would you be incredibly offended and try to argue with them about it? Can't win with some people. And even people you dont like, you dont want to hurt their feelings!