To walk away from these friends?

I had to work with a woman like this. She used to drive me mad. Eventually, I’d just say, “Could you repeat that, I didn’t hear you….” She’d have to repeat her ridiculous comment again. It always sounded more pathetic the second time round!

Talk to someone in the group you are closest to and tell them how you feel.

They may feel similar or be prepared to defend you.
I don't think you should lose the whole group of people because of one person.

That reminds me of my dh. He had an old friend being really nasty to him. Dh did the concerned head tilt and said, are you ok mate? Well it all came out, the other guy was having a really shit time and perceived dh to be winning at life (he's not). Other guy couldn't stop apologising and was really upset.

This! My husband had a friend a few years ago who always made sarcastic or derogatory remarks to him. Same situation....group of friends, nobody else ever said anything. In the end, DH said to him " Does it make you feel better about yourself when you take the piss out of me? Because I don't find it funny even if you do" The other guy was stunned, and tried to say it was a joke. DH told him it was only a joke if it was funny, and it wasn't. He never did it again, and actually the only one in the group that DH keeps in touch with!

I had a very similar experience about ten years ago and I decided to walk away from the group. It still sometimes stings a bit when some of them post things on social media about their nights out / Incredible friendship etc, but I just remind myself that when I was on those nights out, everyone was mainly just focused taking photos for Facebook, and I always came away feeling rubbish after some comment or other that she had made.

I did try to meet up with a few of them separately from time to time after leaving the WhatsApp group etc but it was never quite the same and that's okay. I made new friends, who don't put me down or do everything for social media. I still see her behaviour from afar and think thank goodness I'm not in that orbit anymore!

Good luck x

What’s that saying , something like ‘ ooh
Sandra ‘ does being that rude come naturally or do you work hard at it ‘.
i think it’ll only take one rebuff OP and she’ll back off .

If you're ready to walk anyway, you can't lose anything by calling her out (by deadpan asking her to repeat and explain the "joke").

And/or you could just arrange a group situation without her, and mention to everyone that you're not inviting her for obvious reasons. From what you say, they won't need to ask why.

This.
You can also say are you always this rude and laugh.

Whycant people just be nice, life is much easier.

Can you have a set of stock ‘faux outrage’ phrases? Things like:

Ooh Sandra, you big meanie!
How RUDE!
Good grief, Sandra. Did you get out the wrong side of someone’s bed this morning?
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
Is it your usual whipping boy’s day off?

But if you’re not challenging it, and aren’t visibly upset by anything she says, presumably they don’t think you need defending? And if you haven’t told anyone in the group you have big or difficult stuff going on in your life because of what you imagine her response will be, that’s not on them.

You’re giving ‘Sandra’ (Nigel to her friends) way too much power here. You say you won’t challenge her about her snide remarks because she’d ’play the victim’, and you haven’t told your closest friends about hard current life stuff because you’re second-guessing her response to that, too. You’re allowing her to dictate major elements of your own behaviour here, and letting your imagined version of her responses cut you off from a major source of support!

Are you afraid of her?

I think the bigger issue are your other friends, not " sandra". Why are they not coming to your defence every time she says something snippy or mean to you? They can't be blind. The fence sitters are 100% to blame. Without their support you're continually the target, whereas the wind would be taken out of sandras sails very quickly if they collectively shut her down with a well times ' that's harsh ' retort every single time she comes at you. Bullies thrive in the shadows; only when their behaviour is dragged into the light can things change but for that to happen your other friends need to have your back and push back.

Walk away but call her out first.

Why not speak to her privately about how she's making you feel? You say there's a lot of micky taking in the group...is it possible that she's not aware she's crossed a line because you haven't said anything? If a friend I'd had for 6.5 years suddenly started taking 'banter' too far to the point that they were upsetting me, my first instinct would be to let them know.

You say that you're jealous of her - are you maybe taking her comments a little too personally as a result?

Obviously if she carries on doing it after you've made her aware, or makes a drama out of you bringing it up then you'll have a decision to make.

Is there a reason why you are unable to chat or meet up 1 to 1 with your friends , does it always have to be in a larger group.

I think it’s inevitable that sometimes in life you’re not going to like everyone or their behaviour and it’s quite common for friendships ebb and flow. People can change and you can go from enjoying their company to finding them quite negative to be around.

You have a few options, really.

1. Say nothing and hate every meet up as a group.
2. Speak to this woman one-to-one and ask what her deal is. Or if she makes a comment to you in the group making an effort to say “That’s not a nice thing to say” or “please don’t say things like that, it’s not banter. It’s just rude.”
3. You start meeting one to one with the other ladies from the group. You are always somehow busy when they meet up in a larger group.
4. You don’t say anything, but take yourself away from the group and loose friends that have done nothing wrong. This doesn’t sound like the best option to me.

This every single time.
You’re letting her get away with it, so that’s why she keeps doing it.
Remember bullies are the biggest cowards.
Why are you letting her ‘get rid of you?’

5 is hard isnt it then personalities too. I work better either one to one meetups. It is hard op. Could you meet the others separately? We friendly 5 school mams but we meet up one to one too as dates dont always suit

Life is too short to go out with friends and have a rubbish time imo. You're not enjoying the company of the group because of one bully, so yeah, for sure walk away. Nothing to stop you catching up with the others now and then, even if one person at a time. What will be interesting to see is once you've left the group, which one of the remainder of your friends will be the next victim? Bullies rarely change - oh and she sounds so bloody dull, with the 'seen it, wore the t-shirt' attitude on everything too. Yawn!

I would call her out but I wouldn’t lose a group over her.

I agree with @SlightTickle - you don’t have to make a massive deal but you can pull her up “that’s a bit harsh” “err - really?” It may be the others think she’s off but think you’re ok with it. If she carries on/plays the victim/the others don’t get on board with you, you have your answer about walking away @Wolve

God, she sounds exhausting. This might sound a bit underhand but if you see any group members 1-1 could you raise "Sandra's" behaviour with them?

Sometimes you find that everyone in a group has been inwardly eye-rolling about one person's outrageous behaviour, it's just that nobody wants to be the one to call it out. Oh well, that's just Sandra being Sandra again...

Whereas I think if enough people discuss it, there can be a tipping point where it's not tolerated then at least you might feel some solidarity from others when Sandra starts her nonsense, and she might get the message that the group as a whole doesn't approve of this behaviour.

This back-channel approach might sound mean but I think it's the only way to deal with bullies who are unlikely to care if you tell them they have offended you. They'll just read it as weakness.

Sometimes I find my own female friendship group frustrating because they are quite avoidant - bad behaviour like Sandra's gets tolerated but anyone confronting it directly gets punished because there's such a social premium set on kindness/niceness.

However a member very like Sandra was eventually expelled from this group after enough people compared notes. It took years though! But might be worth a try, to salvage the group rather than having to leave it.