Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

Nope sorry the only woman whose birthing room he should be in is yours should you wish to have kids. I think he can be at the hospital with her but not in the room. It’s too weird and I wouldn’t like it.

I say that as someone whos partner has a female best friend of over 15 years and should she ever need him for this I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him to go. Yours is too much too soon. She needs different friends or family to do it.

TBH I think he's much more likely to find the whole thing some variation of incredibly awkward / mildly traumatic / grim / mortifying - while birth may be miraculous it involves a lot of sweat, swearing blood and gunk, often a bit of poo thrown in, one isn't conventionally attractive mid process.

I can see why you aren't happy about it, but honestly if it happens it will just be awkward and strange and not a massive bonding moment, so I think you can put that to one side.

You certainly should not tackle her direct, she is his friend, and he needs to deal with it. If he really feels he needs to be there that is his call, and you would be unreasonable to kick up a fuss given their relationship and her situation.

However, given he is already getting a bit fed up, I would suggest he sets v clear boundaries ie he stays until active labour starts and then goes home and waits to be called at which point you both go and see them both.

The other option is he offer to fork out for a doula (birth companion), but they cost a bit. He still might want to go in with her to settle her in, but that way there will be no danger of him feeling like he needs to stay.

Once Mia has given birth and a few weeks has passed she needs to manage her feelings about her ex better - as her friend your DP may need to point this out.

If she is asking to borrow money from him, is her staying in the UK really viable? Or would she be better to go home and be near her parents?

She has no other family or friends

That poor baby, and I feel for the mother too.

But he is in no way responsible for her birthing plan to have to be there.

I would be very uncomfortable with this OP.

I’m wondering a few things, many of which lead me to believe she may be in love with your dp.

If I was in her position, I’d want to get back to the country where my parents/siblings/friends were so I could get help. What’s keeping her here? Perhaps your DP? Why isn’t anyone like her mum coming to support? It’s odd. Is she creating the situation to get your DP there?

Induction is horrible. Bluntly, you keep having things shoved up your vag. Hands, pessaries etc. Because of this, your nether regions aren’t going to have pants. It’s just so not appropriate for him to be there when she’s got no pants on. Even if some of the time she may be covered by a long nightshirt type thing or gown.

Why has her bloke left her? Maybe she wasn’t all that into him as she loves your dp?

She’ll likely need support after birth if she’s alone. Is she going to want your dp round when she keeps having to breast feed? Again, I would have trued to get back to my mum if I was in that position.

I would tell her ‘Look I understand you are going through a shit time with the baby daddy, but James is my partner and I know it’s early days but I would like the first birth he is at to be our baby if we’re still together. If you need a helping hand, I can come and sit with you or have you thought about hiring a doola?’

Then to your partner I would say….

‘I think you are a bit deluded as to what it’s going to be like. Her fanny is going to be the main topic of conversation for the duration of her time in hospital - you’re seriously ok with that? Because I would die having those conversations in front of any of the boys I’m friends with. Are you going to leave the room every time a doctor or nurse comes in? If so, what’s the point in being there?

Aside from the awkwardness of a boy mate being there when she gives birth, I had kind of thought if we stay together for the long haul, we might one day have a baby and I would want that to be a first for both of us.’

This

She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally.

Ha! This is actually the opposite. I think the whole thing is a bit weird too.

Find her a birth doula as an alternative

I have two male besties. I think one of them would do this for me if we were in some scenario where I knew no one else nearby.

In his case, part of the reason why I think he'd go in with me if I asked him to is because he's had kids of his own and he's a brilliant father, so he would understand the terror and the need to have someone I trusted around to advocate for me. I'd feel weird if his wife offered, because while I like her, we're not independently friends.

With the other one, I think he'd be too grossed out. I don't think he'd cope well with all the bodily fluids and the general loss of dignity.

Bearing in mind one of my besties wouldn't do it, I think it's OK for the OP's partner to say no, if he really does feel uncomfortable (and he's not just saying that to make the OP feel better).

The points about the timing are really good. He might be off on the day of induction, but what happens if things are delayed and he has to go back to work? Isn't that worse, to think you have someone to support you and they have to disappear just when you need them? He'd get understanding from his workplace if it was the OP giving birth, but not so if it was just a random friend.

I'd be inclined to encourage him to point that out - that he may not able to be there for the important bits and she needs a more reliable plan. I wouldn't frame it as him being grossed out or not wanting to do it, just that he doesn't think he could get the additional time off work, and he would feel awful having to leave her while she was still in labour.

She's in a vulnerable place - there are ways to turn down the offer without making her feel bad.

Oh god with the added stress of your DP’s work situation it would be a hard no from me. He definitely needs to retreat now and get some boundaries in place. I would definitely go with the doula idea, even better if you can give her a name of someone already known to you… ‘so sorry Mia I can’t be there but Ive got way too much on at work, my aunties best friends daughter used Delia Doula and found her great, here’s her number, give her a call!’

Having had two very difficult births, I do think that it is important to have someone to advocate for you when you can't advocate for yourself.
If you DP is the only person she trusts well enough to be there that's quite sad to be alone like that.
Can you both be at the hospital. It sounds like she needs someone there she can trust and has noone else, two heads are better than one. The alternative is to ban him from going.

I’ve given birth four times and I wouldn’t want my husband at anyone else’s birth. It’s a very intimate experience and it’s bizarre that she even wants him there to be honest. I get she’s alone and that needs to be mitigated but I don’t think it’s down to you or your partner to do so.

I don’t think he should be this involved.

He will have a fatherly bond with the baby after watching (even if from afar) it come into the world and if she needs stitches/ time whatever- he will be sat bonding with baby

Is she goi g to breast feed as that’s another special intimate moment?

This is one of those things that will change your bf’s life forever

I'm usually the type of poster thst MN calls a "cool wife" because I'm fairly relaxed about male/female friendships but this is a hell no.

Childbirth is such an emotional and intinimate thing that it's highly inappropriate, potentially creates a very unique bond and it's very disrespectful of her to even ask.

Your DP should say "it's something I'm not comfortable doing, you will have to find someone else". He isn't a substitute partner for her despite what she seems to thing. The woman has very poor boundaries and ridicilously high expectations.

She could have organised a doula, asked other friends or even asked you.

No, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that. It's way too intimate an event, I think. I have given birth a good few times though, so would offer to go in his place, if she were happy with that. I've never been in that position but I do think I'd be uncomfortable with my DH being someone else's support partner in birth. A sister maybe, if really needed, but that feels like something that should be ours as a couple.

Have a deep chat with your partner.
Mia will need help after the birth too so saying yes to being a birth support will never end.
Could your partner offer the both of you as joint support?

That is the only sustainable way that will not lead to resentment and special intimate conversations.

It could also be beneficial to hold a late baby shower at your home. Invite all of Mia's girlfriends; she is going to need females who feel welcome to visit her.
It is terrible that her ex abandoned her and the child.
Does he have sisters in the UK?

He's going to have to give her a strong no about her expectations that he be her labour partner or anything beyond a casual friend and no, he will not be playing dad to her baby.

I'd take myself out of that situation. Too much. I wouldn't want to wonder about that enmeshed relationship forever. Nope.

I can comment on what her intentions are based on what is written in black and white here.

Your partner sounds like a decent guy who wants to help his friend. He has been honest with you. He needs to tell her to lean onto her female friends or get a doula as she will otherwise continue to intend that he steps into the role of daddy. It's better for her too if he does this so she can make a clear headed set of decisions about becoming a mum and begin to develop a stronger support network.

DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing

She says he'll leave when she starts pushing.

Come on now.

That's when she's going to be holding his hand the hardest and his feelings about blood and amniotic fluid and shit, well, she'll be begging him to stay.

He might be one of those that hits the floor. A section he's just not ready for.

He can't make medical decisions for her.

He's not prepared for this at all and it's overstepping the boundaries of friendship and he's in a relationship is all he has to say. This is something you share with the other parent or partner or family member, not someone else's partner. She'll be calling him for rides and help all the time. You know it and so does he and so does she if she's already been hitting him up for money. She'll be asking him for more and more while you get less and less.

Is that how he wants his life to go, you move out so his friend can play happy family with him?

@BeetrootBrownies Given that she has no friends or family, I would think it would make far more sense for you to be at the birth (if possible) rather than your husband.

If she does have a c section who is going to help her when she goes home with the baby?

The no needs to come from him. If he can’t see that this would be a massive crossing of a boundary and blurring the lines with this “friend” who very well may have feelings for him, he needs a serious wake up call. He can’t be saying no because it makes you uncomfortable. He should be saying no because for him this is an unacceptable request and he would never put you in that position. Bottom line. His loyalties should be to you. He shouldn’t be running off to be another woman’s white knight. Especially not a woman who clearly wants to blur the lines of friendship..

This is one of the strangest posts I’ve ever read on mums net! . Please tell her straight that your bf can’t be her birthing partner as it’s too much and too intimate. She should have thought all this before , she’s had 9 months to sort of how to cope on her own!
the birth is the least of your worries, she’ll be ringing him crying, begging to go over at 2am when the baby is awake crying and cluster feeding. The birth is the start of the hard couple of months of recovery, sleep deprivation and getting used to a newborn. If she thinks he’s happy to be at the birth seeing all that she’ll think nothing of asking him for shopping/ help in the night/babysitting. It’s the oddest thing ever! Say no or leave him , if he does help and do all that, guaranteed he’ll be living with her in a few months .