Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

I think you sound nice and also naive. You have been with your partner for one year and your whole post is about another woman. You have been involved in telephone calls between this woman and her ex, you have seen letters, scans and know every single detail of this woman's pregnancy and birth plan. Why? You have to ask yourself why is your partner telling you all this? Why are you caught up in it all? You say you needed to get away from your parents - therefore you are vulnerable and may have made a decision you come to regret by moving in so quickly. Tread very very carefully and notice what else you are asked to get drawn into. Take a big step back and observe what unfolds. Whatever is going on in this woman's life is nothing you need to get involved in. My first thought is that you are being used for something that your partner and this woman need. I would be wondering about that. Be careful.

Because there is a different dynamic between the sexes. We don't usually have males present during childbirth who aren't medics, or our significant others. Our brothers, father-in-laws, and male friends don't usually stand at our bedsides while we labour - but our sisters, mother-in-laws, and female friends might.

I'm not sure that you squashing down your feelings of jealousy, possession, and competition would be healthy for the relationship. Personally, I think it's best to express your feelings, and work through them together.
In the OP's situation, I'd probably go to the hospital with him and be there in the corridor to support him, or 'tag in' to support her if he feels overwhelmed (which, from the feelings he's expressed, seems likely).
But it does seem like Mia has become emotionally enmeshed with the OP's DP in a way that could become problematic, and him being her birth partner will likely only worsen that.

Your dp has given her the impression he’s an integral part of her support system, and it’s not abnormal to ask your support system to be there for you during the birth of your child.

Mia is scared, alone (having been emotionally abandoned by her family

Do we know this for a fact?

Why not simply go along to the hospital with dp? The woman sounds lonely but not keen for more than a family-style level of support. If you like her, join in - go along, hold her hand, tell her there’s no way you and dp would let her go through this alone, tell of her you and dp are together in wanting to help her.

That way dp isn’t alone and I am sure the woman will get the message- and she will get the friendship she needs without the confusing of treating your dp like her own dp.

I don't think this is a good idea, but so many of the responses on this thread are so ungenerous and unsisterly (and controlling). "Not your DP's problem", "it's a no from me", "put your foot down" - all the familiar territorial hackles going up. It's so insulting and reductive to frame this as a conniving seductress attempting to steal the OP's man, because absolutely everything is sexual to many MNers (and inviting a man to watch you give birth is such a well-known seduction technique).

Mia is scared, alone (having been emotionally abandoned by her family and physically abandoned by her shithead ex) in a foreign country. The closest friend she's made, who speaks her language as well, happens to be a man. (If she'd made friends with a woman who spoke her language via the hobby, none of us would bat an eyelid at her reaching out to that woman in this situation.) I doubt she thinks OP's partner is an ideal option as birthing partner but she's not in a situation where she has any great options.

The common language is really important, because it means she has someone there to advocate for her if she can't communicate what she wants. I imagine that's her number one reasoning.

Despite that it's a bad idea - common language or not, a man who has no experience of being around birth and who is not a father himself will likely be fairly useless, and that's before you get to the unworkable idea of him leaving for the birth itself. And the man in question isn't even comfortable with the idea. OP and her partner need to work with Mia to find the best alternative (likely a doula) and to support her as best they can - not turn their backs on her.

Deleted, screw it.
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Nothing as weird as folk.

Nothing. They'll benefit from knowing hews there when a woman in need required his support. That's a good thing.

I dont see relying on a friend as acting as if they are a substitute partner. I wouldnt think that of a female friend relying on me at a vulnerable time, so why would I think that of a male friend? I just wouldnt try and obstruct a woman feeling supported at this time. Being there for women is too important to me to allow my petty feelings of jealousy , possession and competition get in the way of her birth.

There are women I have known for decades that I wouldn’t want be my birth partner, nor I theirs. Yes, he’s known Mia for 4 years but in a shared hobby, coffee once a week way. It doesn’t sound like they have had especially deep and meaningful conversations until her partner abandoned her

Being a male, the dynamic is different. It just is, undeniably. Obviously it's up to the OP's partner to decide what he wants to do, but the OP is entitled to feel that it's crossing a line, and to express that to him. You shouldn't have to crush down your own feelings of discomfort to be a 'girls' girl'. One could say that Mia isn't being a 'girls' girl' by treating another woman's partner like a surrogate partner and creating this uncomfortable situation.

And Mia isn't exactly being abandoned in the wild to give birth alone - even if she has no female friends who can attend, she'll have medics there who will be much more helpful than a man who feels uncomfortable but obliged, and has no children of his own!

Clearly I’m an anomaly on MN amongst all these self-centred, jealous wives but I think you’re being selfish. Where’s your compassion? This poor woman’s been abandoned while pregnant in a foreign country and your partner is her only friend. Of course she wants him there - she doesn’t have anyone else, so it’s either that or do it alone, which would be terrifying with your first baby. Would you have a problem if your partner was a woman? Why do people put so much emphasis gender? He happens to be male and she happens to be female. They’ve made it clear there’s nothing more to the friendship. This isn’t about you, it’s about her and trying to be supportive to a woman who’s facing having a baby completely alone. I’d understand your POV if the friend was from here and had chosen your DP over her own family/long-term friends but she has no one else. I’d be encouraging my partner to go because I wouldn’t want to think of any woman having a baby alone. If it bothers you that much, take the time to get to know her better yourself, then you can both be her friend

Everything costs. What will the cost be to OP, her DH and their relationship and lives?

At a steep price

This is the kind of situation doulas are perfect for.

Oh so not even the four years of friendship he's had with Mia?

She’ll have him doing night feeds next. I think Mia knows a soft touch when she sees one.

No is the posters who worryingly think they can forbid him to do it.

“DP adores me and has said if it is too much for me he will tell her no even though he would feel bad”

Tbh I'd leave him for that.

He should have already said no if he is as uncomfortable/stressed as he claims.

Let's also be clear that OP moved in with her boyfriend after dating him for 6 months and that was just 6 months ago. It is a 12 month long relationship. Terms like 'partner' and 'DP' are doing a lot of heavy lifting - because being overly invested in what is still mostly unknown is what happens when you move in so quickly.

He needs to say, “Mia, this is really inappropriate and it’s making me very uncomfortable. You need someone else to be your birth partner, because trust me, when the time comes, you’re going to need someone who wants to be there and can cope with it.”

I think many are missing the point. The OP might not be overly thrilled at the idea of her partner being at the birth of his friend's baby, but she hasn't turned to him and said 'you can't do it, I won't allow you too'! More importantly, her partner doesn't want to be his friend's birthing partner!! He's said yes, out of a sense of duty, rather than because he genuinely wants to be there. If he doesn't want to do it, then he needs to say no. He's not her next-of-kin, he can't make decisions regarding her health or the baby's if she was unable. His friend's expectations of him, are too high and clearly their friendship hasn't ever been on this level before What's also clear, is the OP's partner doesn't want to be involved to this level either. What happens once she's home, is she going to expect him to help her as a partner would?? He has to put boundaries in place.

I don't think that being uncomfortable with your partner being the birth partner to a woman who has already been leaning extremely heavily on him in the wake of her partner's abandonment, could really be considered 'caging' or 'controlling'.

It's actually healthy and okay to have boundaries in a relationship, and expect some things to be exclusive between the two of you - sexual activity, nudity, and birth-giving being some examples.

I think this is still just the start of her clinging to him as some stand in daddy. She will just need him to watch the baby so she can shower, so she can nap. She’s been up all night and asked if it’s ok if I sleep over one night isn’t it so she can get some rest.

I would have rather gone it alone that ask even a good male friend to hold my hand though contractions and make possible life saving choice for me and my baby.

She needs to broaden her horizon of baby help to outside of your dp unless he walks to sleep walk into being a step daddy.

If her own family are useless this is her live forever now, child sick so can’t go to nursery, sick can’t go to school, school
holiday cover. That’s without wanting any kind of social life needing any sitters. She needs a circle bigger than Dp.

This alone is reason not to do it.

She can't keep relying on him and he needs to be upfront about this.