Party dilemma- how to word this?

Quite apart from the cost, who would be able to accompany the child? I don't think that Uber would allow a lone child - and even if they did, surely that wouldn't be safe?

If your daughter is at a new school and all the other invitees are from there, I wouldn't invite her. It sounds like it will be difficult for her to spontaneously join in the gang if her personal hygeine is poor and your daughter will feel conflicted between looking after her and enjoying herself with her new friends Do something separate just with her.

That's a good one. It gives the mother some options.

They haven’t…

its not odd at all its just you are unfamiliar with this kind of situation

The whole thing is just a bit odd.

Sometimes a child can't get what they want because it simply isn't practical and this is one of those times.

Ubers are expensive and even if OP was happy to pay (both ways) for one, they likely wouldn't accept a lone 7 year old anyway. Even if they did, if I was OP and knowing that the child already has an abusive home life and is incredibly vulnerable, is putting her in a car with likely a male driver a good idea? Probably not.

But at some point OP needs to draw the line. She has already facilitated so much for this child - why is it not okay for her to put her DD’s birthday plans first for once?

Well, I won't - that might be because it's not my child who wants the other child at her party 🤔

Surely you can push and push for this to be looked into though? I couldn’t sleep at night knowing a little girl I knew was being subjected to this. You seem quite detached like you’ve done your part, and now no more. There needs to be more. Bang the doors until heard

Why don't you send money across to OP for the Uber?

Because it isn't the child's fault . . .?

This sounds like a good idea. Maybe they could have a little 'pamper session' the night before so (and I hate saying this) she might be less 'smelly' as you put it.

And I absolutely get that getting her there isn't your responsibility. But it might be a kind thing to do, it's not the child's fault that their parents cannot/do not prioritise her it sounds like. My daughter has a friend who struggles to get to events - single mum who doesn't drive and we live quite rurally and taxis are out of her budget. So I do give her lifts, as I appreciate the privilege my girls have with 2 engaged, financially stable parents and if I can do a small thing to help another child then why wouldn't I. When younger this meant DH and I both driving due to car seats and space meant couldn't get mine and hers into my car.

If you normally do playdates with the little girl, I’d invite her to the party just like everyone else. If the mum asks for a ride say you can’t this time, but the bus stops nearby. If she isn’t able to come to the party because her mother can’t/won’t take her then offer a playdate instead with perhaps some cake to celebrate.
It sounds like you’re doing a lot to support this little girl already, but it’s ok to prioritise your own family and wants/needs sometime.

That makes no sense considering OP usually does take her to DD's parties, she just can't this time.

@CalmShaker @ZaraCC @WildLeader message the OP and offer your help. Who knows maybe one of you is close enough to act as a chauffeur for the little girl. Go above and beyond, make the extra effort like you said you would!

Assuming wherever op lives even has uber, which isn't a given, you could be talking more than the cost of the whole party, if its just a small cinema type, to pick one girl up and drop her back. Not to mention lots of parents wouldn't be happy with a 7 year old travelling alone with a complete random, barely licensed driver.

It's easy to be generous with other people's money

This is OP's DDs party and should be about her, not any other child.

I get the vibe you just don’t approve of this friendship and are looking for ways to make sure she can’t come.

I expect there is already support going on with this child. All these people suggesting solutions of offering clothes, and making arrangements for her to be able to wash are all well intentioned but there will be proper agencies working with the family and working with them. There will be multiple children like this child sadly within a school, you may not be aware of who. Schools often provide uniform, home clothes, shoes, trainers and even help organise transport to school for families in need. At Christmas families where it is known there may be difficulties may be given food hampers, there will be presents bought for the children (and even siblings not at the school). I don't think people realise what goes on behind the scenes.

Can’t your daughter catch lift there and back with a friend that she does know (surely someone will be willing to do this for her birthday)! Thus allowing you to give her friend a lift & freeing up space?

If there’s a will there’s a way that hopefully is affordable. Unless of course you just don’t want her to come.

It might not be that she hasn't been taught to wash. It might be more than she is only allowed to bath once a fortnight or that her clothes don't get washed or that her room is utterly squalid.

OP mentions that there may be sexual abuse as well as neglect so I don't think any of us can assume anything about her living circumstances. OP - I am glad you are a social worker because I feel afraid for this little girl and am relieved that you have made the proper referrals.

As to the party, I think an invite, with an explanation that you can't do a lift this time but 'here is how to get there on the bus' will demonstrate to the girl that she is wanted. Perhaps you could offer to meet her off the bus and see her safely onto the one home?

But I do also have a little trepidation about the reception she might get from new school friends if she doesn't smell clean and stands out from them. This might put your DD in the awkward position of having to defend her, or even worse, side with new friends against her to save face.

Link her up with another guest who has space in their car.