Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party dilemma- how to word this?

369 replies

Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 20:17

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 24/11/2025 02:55

There must be someone else who could give a lift?

PollyBell · 24/11/2025 02:53

CalmShaker · 24/11/2025 02:52

It's everso quick to do Polly, doesn't take long to arrange in the app

Show quote history

So why doesnt the other parent do it then why is it on the OP to arrange if it is so easy?

CalmShaker · 24/11/2025 02:52

PollyBell · 24/11/2025 02:38

Why would the op pay for an uber? Or even arrange one wouldn't they have enough to do with organising a party?

Show quote history

It's everso quick to do Polly, doesn't take long to arrange in the app

PollyBell · 24/11/2025 02:38

CalmShaker · 24/11/2025 02:22

I know exactly what you mean Yonnoy because I suggested an Uber on page 1 and got absolutely slated.

Show quote history

Why would the op pay for an uber? Or even arrange one wouldn't they have enough to do with organising a party?

CalmShaker · 24/11/2025 02:22

Yonnoy · 24/11/2025 01:26

I'm curious as to why you've posted about this @Ahfiddlesticks. You clearly had no intention of changing anything on your side to help this girl come to the party knowing full well that if you don't provide a lift she won't be able to get there. So did you just want a way to say it? Surely you could have figured that out on your own - your daughter's invited but I can't take her. Done.

Were you looking for ways to soften the blow for her so you could feel better? That someone would come up with a magical phrase that would make her feel less left out - or inspire the mum to get the bus despite the evidence she won't?

And why include the stuff about her smelling and ss being involved? To justify it?

I know exactly what you mean Yonnoy because I suggested an Uber on page 1 and got absolutely slated.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/11/2025 02:05

Maybe you could ask if another parent could take them. If they have a child going to the birthday and it's not too much out of their way

PollyBell · 24/11/2025 01:33

Yonnoy · 24/11/2025 01:26

I'm curious as to why you've posted about this @Ahfiddlesticks. You clearly had no intention of changing anything on your side to help this girl come to the party knowing full well that if you don't provide a lift she won't be able to get there. So did you just want a way to say it? Surely you could have figured that out on your own - your daughter's invited but I can't take her. Done.

Were you looking for ways to soften the blow for her so you could feel better? That someone would come up with a magical phrase that would make her feel less left out - or inspire the mum to get the bus despite the evidence she won't?

And why include the stuff about her smelling and ss being involved? To justify it?

Going by this I presume there is some issues being projected?

OP just say the invitiation is for the named child

CheeseIsMyIdol · 24/11/2025 01:29

Yonnoy · 24/11/2025 01:26

I'm curious as to why you've posted about this @Ahfiddlesticks. You clearly had no intention of changing anything on your side to help this girl come to the party knowing full well that if you don't provide a lift she won't be able to get there. So did you just want a way to say it? Surely you could have figured that out on your own - your daughter's invited but I can't take her. Done.

Were you looking for ways to soften the blow for her so you could feel better? That someone would come up with a magical phrase that would make her feel less left out - or inspire the mum to get the bus despite the evidence she won't?

And why include the stuff about her smelling and ss being involved? To justify it?

What??
Why does anyone post anything?

The OP has a dilemma and wanted to talk it out. Stop ascribing nefarious motivation to her.

Yonnoy · 24/11/2025 01:26

I'm curious as to why you've posted about this @Ahfiddlesticks. You clearly had no intention of changing anything on your side to help this girl come to the party knowing full well that if you don't provide a lift she won't be able to get there. So did you just want a way to say it? Surely you could have figured that out on your own - your daughter's invited but I can't take her. Done.

Were you looking for ways to soften the blow for her so you could feel better? That someone would come up with a magical phrase that would make her feel less left out - or inspire the mum to get the bus despite the evidence she won't?

And why include the stuff about her smelling and ss being involved? To justify it?

CheeseIsMyIdol · 24/11/2025 01:08

Needspaceforlego · 24/11/2025 01:04

Its certainly not Ops responsibility to get the child to the party or to be trying to get her own DD a lift so she can take the other girl, or do anything wild like pay for Ubars I wouldnt be happy with any child getting an ubar alone.

Op you need to think about your own DD she needs to bond with her new friendship group.
I think it could be awkward for DD to be in the middle of new friends and old friend. A bit sort of them and us. Its hard enough for adults to manage that, without being just 7 and a potentially smelly friend 😬. Or for one of the other girls to say something to make it even more awkward.

They are in different schools so its not like she is going to hear about the party on the grapevine

Edited

Good points.

The OP’s daughter needs this time to focus on guests from her new school.

Needspaceforlego · 24/11/2025 01:04

Its certainly not Ops responsibility to get the child to the party or to be trying to get her own DD a lift so she can take the other girl, or do anything wild like pay for Ubars I wouldnt be happy with any child getting an ubar alone.

Op you need to think about your own DD she needs to bond with her new friendship group.
I think it could be awkward for DD to be in the middle of new friends and old friend. A bit sort of them and us. Its hard enough for adults to manage that, without being just 7 and a potentially smelly friend 😬. Or for one of the other girls to say something to make it even more awkward.

They are in different schools so its not like she is going to hear about the party on the grapevine

Bubobubo · 24/11/2025 00:41

Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 20:52

I don't feel comfortable asking people who do not know the child or the family to go out of their way to give the child a lift.

Show quote history

Ask another adult driving there to take your daughter and you collect the friend.
That way everyone gets to enjoy the party.

Greenturtle671 · 24/11/2025 00:33

Ahfiddlesticks · 24/11/2025 00:14

I've absolutely no idea who it is/was.

Asking the child for details is the number 1 no no they teach on any safeguarding course - you let the child talk but you don't ask probing questions, you leave that to professionals (and I'm not her professional). Asking questions can get important information muddled in the child's mind. Can cause uncertainty, apprehension and prevent further disclosure and most importantly, prevent the abuse being stopped.

If you rang the police or visited the same station every day you'd get a warning from the police, you wouldn't get info on the perpetrator or details on the case.

If I did it, I'd lose my job, it's harassment of professionals and we take a very dim view of it. It's a waste of time and resources.

I'm not entitled to the information. I'm entitled to report it, to be advised they are investigating it. That is all.

Show quote history

Im not sure who 'we' is, but I take a dim view of known cases of child abuse being let to run on because of box ticking 'investigations' - we have all read about Baby P, the little boy who starved to death when his Dad had a heart attack and he couldnt reach the fridge; and countless other heartbreaking stories where social services missed key opportunities to intervene. I dont envy the job of a social worker and it seems like nowadays there is so much red tape, but surely if things are going to improve then the push for change needs to come from within.

As @careerchange24 says, it feels like whether or not the girl attends the birthday party is the least of the problems right now.

user1492757084 · 24/11/2025 00:22

I would send the child an invitation just like in other years and also add that you can not pick up nor drop off. Include accurate details of the public transport to and fro.

Could one option be to contact Social Services - including a copy of the invitation and an extra note stating fact that DC smells and could do with some discreet help getting to the party. SS needs to assist with long term hygiene.

I feel so sorry for that little girl.
Would there be guests using the same public transport route who could travel with DC and her parent?

Could you offer to run the girl home? That would give incentive for her parents to use the public transport to take her to the party.

Original poster
Ahfiddlesticks · 24/11/2025 00:14

Greenturtle671 · 24/11/2025 00:06

Obviously if i was aware. I have no idea as iv only just read this thread but id be calling social services every day and the police or going into the station. In terms of finding out if the abuser is in the home, your messages suggest you have an idea of who it was/is - I would ask the child where x is - or a neighbour - or another friend. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night knowing my child's friend was being abused. Id be going out of my way to help a 7 year old who i was aware was in danger.

Show quote history

I've absolutely no idea who it is/was.

Asking the child for details is the number 1 no no they teach on any safeguarding course - you let the child talk but you don't ask probing questions, you leave that to professionals (and I'm not her professional). Asking questions can get important information muddled in the child's mind. Can cause uncertainty, apprehension and prevent further disclosure and most importantly, prevent the abuse being stopped.

If you rang the police or visited the same station every day you'd get a warning from the police, you wouldn't get info on the perpetrator or details on the case.

If I did it, I'd lose my job, it's harassment of professionals and we take a very dim view of it. It's a waste of time and resources.

I'm not entitled to the information. I'm entitled to report it, to be advised they are investigating it. That is all.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 24/11/2025 00:14

Greenturtle671 · 24/11/2025 00:06

Obviously if i was aware. I have no idea as iv only just read this thread but id be calling social services every day and the police or going into the station. In terms of finding out if the abuser is in the home, your messages suggest you have an idea of who it was/is - I would ask the child where x is - or a neighbour - or another friend. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night knowing my child's friend was being abused. Id be going out of my way to help a 7 year old who i was aware was in danger.

Show quote history

OP is a social worker. She knows how the system works.

What do you think calling every day is going to do except for them to tell OP the same thing as they did the day before and the day before that? Not to mention potentially risk her career because ultimately, it isn't OP's case and it isn't any of her business. They are not going to share information with her no matter how many times she rings.

Asking a child about someone who has or is SA her is also a terrible idea.

CareerChange24 · 24/11/2025 00:13

Ahfiddlesticks · 24/11/2025 00:00

Firstly, you probably wouldn't even realize the child was being SAd. Secondly: How? Please tell me.

Also, please tell me how you'd do it without placing the child at increased risk and without impacting a potentially ongoing police investigation?

Show quote history

“Firstly, you probably wouldn’t even realise” is a little patronising. Not only social workers can spot abuse. Clearly if a child comes from such a neglectful home that she smells, I would assume all the horrors that are linked to abuse and neglect. They all tend to go hand in hand.

I don’t think you should have mentioned these details about a child’s terrible life on the internet as it’s overstepping and also who cares about a child’s party now you’ve declared what you have.

minipie · 24/11/2025 00:09

How come your car is full? Full of family
members coming to the party, or are you giving lifts to other kids??

MummytoE · 24/11/2025 00:09

Greenturtle671 · 23/11/2025 23:58

Im not a social worker so maybe you need to detach yourself to get through the day but if one of my child's school friends was being sexually abused. Id be making it my business to no whether the abuser was or wasnt living with them, in prison etc and id be going out of my way to get the child to safety.

What a stupid thing to say. Well intentioned but just idiotic. This isn't Hollywood

Greenturtle671 · 24/11/2025 00:06

Ahfiddlesticks · 24/11/2025 00:00

Firstly, you probably wouldn't even realize the child was being SAd. Secondly: How? Please tell me.

Also, please tell me how you'd do it without placing the child at increased risk and without impacting a potentially ongoing police investigation?

Show quote history

Obviously if i was aware. I have no idea as iv only just read this thread but id be calling social services every day and the police or going into the station. In terms of finding out if the abuser is in the home, your messages suggest you have an idea of who it was/is - I would ask the child where x is - or a neighbour - or another friend. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night knowing my child's friend was being abused. Id be going out of my way to help a 7 year old who i was aware was in danger.

Original poster
Ahfiddlesticks · 24/11/2025 00:00

Greenturtle671 · 23/11/2025 23:58

Im not a social worker so maybe you need to detach yourself to get through the day but if one of my child's school friends was being sexually abused. Id be making it my business to no whether the abuser was or wasnt living with them, in prison etc and id be going out of my way to get the child to safety.

Firstly, you probably wouldn't even realize the child was being SAd. Secondly: How? Please tell me.

Also, please tell me how you'd do it without placing the child at increased risk and without impacting a potentially ongoing police investigation?

OP posts:
NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 23/11/2025 23:59

“Really sorry, we can’t take x this time as there’s no room in the car”. Easy, don’t know what the problem is.

Greenturtle671 · 23/11/2025 23:58

Im not a social worker so maybe you need to detach yourself to get through the day but if one of my child's school friends was being sexually abused. Id be making it my business to no whether the abuser was or wasnt living with them, in prison etc and id be going out of my way to get the child to safety.

Original poster
Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 23:48

WearyAuldWumman · 23/11/2025 23:41

I agree with all this.

Some years ago, I had a pupil who refused to wash as a defence mechanism to abuse. Other children refused to sit next to her.

All the appropriate authorities knew about this, but she was still in the family home. There wasn't a damned thing that the school could do about it, apart from trying to make school life as accommodating as possble.

Show quote history

It's also possible that this friend is no longer experiencing SA, or that SA occurred outside the home or by someone no longer in the home. The perpetrator could now be in prison, I don't know and it's not my place to know.

I do know that the neglect continues, but I don't know what support is in place for that and unless I ask the mum (and she tells me) I won't know. I also don't know if the neglect has improved from where it was.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 23/11/2025 23:41

Whoevenarethey · 23/11/2025 22:33

I expect there is already support going on with this child. All these people suggesting solutions of offering clothes, and making arrangements for her to be able to wash are all well intentioned but there will be proper agencies working with the family and working with them. There will be multiple children like this child sadly within a school, you may not be aware of who. Schools often provide uniform, home clothes, shoes, trainers and even help organise transport to school for families in need. At Christmas families where it is known there may be difficulties may be given food hampers, there will be presents bought for the children (and even siblings not at the school). I don't think people realise what goes on behind the scenes.

Show quote history

I agree with all this.

Some years ago, I had a pupil who refused to wash as a defence mechanism to abuse. Other children refused to sit next to her.

All the appropriate authorities knew about this, but she was still in the family home. There wasn't a damned thing that the school could do about it, apart from trying to make school life as accommodating as possble.