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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party dilemma- how to word this?

369 replies

Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 20:17

DD (7) has a friend. Friend has a not great home life (social services are involved sporadically). For the past 2 years for dd birthday she has invited this child and the parent has contacted me to say that friend would love to come but as they do t drive of need to collect and take her home, which I've agreed to as dd really wanted her to come and we had space in the car.

This year we won't be able to take the friend - how do I word the invite (it's via text) to say this?

TIA

OP posts:
Beenwhereyouareagain · 23/11/2025 21:48

Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 21:01

No reason. She just won't. I mean she may have changed since we last saw her, but history tells me the child won't come.

I might just not invite her, I hadn't really thought of that (just asked dd who she wanted to invite and didn't go beyond that really).

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Now, this might backfire and hurt her feelings. I imagine your dd might mention her birthday to the other girl. You obviously care about the child's happiness; please don't let less kind posters influence

What is different that you won't have the space this year? In the distant past DH and I would both drive, or my best friend would help. Do you have anyone who could assist?

Edited to remove any hint of criticism.

Jamjarcandlestick · 23/11/2025 21:48

I’ve not read every page but baring in mind this child has such poor personal hygiene that you don’t feel comfortable subjecting others to having her in the car have you raised this as a safeguarding concern?

School can only do so much, sometimes it takes numerous concerns for social to do something. And that something might just ensure the parents keep on top of ensuring the poor kid has regular baths and clean clothes.

You also say you don’t want to risk having the little girl over for a sleepover, but why?

TheEllisGreyMethod · 23/11/2025 21:46

This thread is absolutely wild.
Why are people bashing op for not being able to take a kid, the kids parents could take and bath her a d can't be arsed.
If your dd has moved schools now, I wouldn't invite her tbh.

DBD1975 · 23/11/2025 21:44

Is anyone else coming to the party who would be able to do the pick up and drop off?

Ewock · 23/11/2025 21:41

CalmShaker · 23/11/2025 20:28

bit mean that

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So the op is having a party for her child and you feel that the op should be responsible for and foot the bill for how invited children get there?!!! 🤦‍♀️
Wowser I thought I'd heard everything, the ruddy parent can pay not the op!
It's the saying tell me you're a cf without saying you're a cf

AliceMaforethought · 23/11/2025 21:41

I'm sorry this child is clearly being neglected, but that's not on the OP to fix.

AliceMaforethought · 23/11/2025 21:40

Jamesblonde2 · 23/11/2025 20:52

Jesus wept! Are you one of these parents who just gets things given for nothing?!

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Probably. Either that or a bleeding heart.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/11/2025 21:39

CalmShaker · 23/11/2025 21:10

Oh interesting that PeonyBulb as I've had several PMs agreeing with me

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Of course you have

disney lying GIF
Original poster
Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 21:37

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 23/11/2025 21:34

Just send the invite and then if they ask for a lift say sorry, we can’t manage that this time.

Part of me thinks this. If it wasn't for the shitty home life I wouldn't be thinking twice about it to be honest.

OP posts:
AliceMaforethought · 23/11/2025 21:37

CalmShaker · 23/11/2025 20:28

bit mean that

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Don't be silly and stop trying to guilt the OP. Are you offering to drive the child? If not, cut it out.

OldBeyondMyYears · 23/11/2025 21:36

CalmShaker · 23/11/2025 20:19

Awww that sounds a bit mean, can you not send for an Uber?

Are you serious??? 🤯

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 23/11/2025 21:34

Just send the invite and then if they ask for a lift say sorry, we can’t manage that this time.

Whoevenarethey · 23/11/2025 21:30

Needspaceforlego · 23/11/2025 21:28

Fair point!

Take them swimming and give her some shampoo at the pool!

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I don't think this would be a great idea. Based on what has been said would the girl have a swimming costume and even be able to swim? At 7 they may not have done lessons as part of the school curriculum yet and if the parents don't generally take her places are they likely to take her swimming themselves or have paid for lessons?

jetlag92 · 23/11/2025 21:29

CalmShaker · 23/11/2025 20:19

Awww that sounds a bit mean, can you not send for an Uber?

Maybe the OP can put you in touch and you could pay for the uber?

Cornishclio · 23/11/2025 21:28

I would issue the invite and point out it is on the bus route if they don’t have a car. Just don’t mention lifts unless they ask and if they do say the new car means you don’t have room. If they do say parents can’t be bothered to sort out transport that is not on you.

Needspaceforlego · 23/11/2025 21:28

Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 21:22

Yeah, I won't be doing that.

No sleepovers, it's too big of a risk.

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Fair point!

Take them swimming and give her some shampoo at the pool!

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/11/2025 21:28

Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 21:22

Yeah, I won't be doing that.

No sleepovers, it's too big of a risk.

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You are one person and one person isn't going to save this girl. You have gone out of your way to be kind to her and include her but I do honestly think that now DD is at a new school and has new friends and her parents probably wouldn't bother taking her anyway that not inviting her is the kindest thing to do this time.

Original poster
Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 21:22

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/11/2025 21:17

Would you be comfortable bathing an unrelated 7 year old girl? Especially one who has chaotic parents known to social services?

OP shouldn't put herself at risk.

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Yeah, I won't be doing that.

No sleepovers, it's too big of a risk.

OP posts:
Izzywizzy85 · 23/11/2025 21:22

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 23/11/2025 21:22

Why would people pm you to agree? That's so weird.

I wouldn't invite her op. I'd arrange to do something else just with her the following week.

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They wouldn’t, she’s lying.

Walkerzoo · 23/11/2025 21:22

Why is it so complicated. Message the mum to say party is when but this time you can't give lifts. Them her call. Or just don't invite.

And so t get me started on lifts. I helped someone out which turned into being a taxi service so I learnt the hard way.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 23/11/2025 21:22

CalmShaker · 23/11/2025 21:10

Oh interesting that PeonyBulb as I've had several PMs agreeing with me

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Why would people pm you to agree? That's so weird.

I wouldn't invite her op. I'd arrange to do something else just with her the following week.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/11/2025 21:22

NovemberRedHolly · 23/11/2025 20:20

Why should OP arrange this? If they can’t get their own child there and back they’ll have to decline.

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What? You don’t arrange transport for your children’s guests? I contract a group of chauffeurs to collect and return my kids friends and they take a hamper of champagne and caviar to the parents. You lot are so tight.

Original poster
Ahfiddlesticks · 23/11/2025 21:21

BoxesBoxesEverywhere · 23/11/2025 21:17

This
You say it's entirely accessible by public transport, so surely you just explain "hi, we'd love for friend to come to the party, but unfortunately we can't offer lifts this year, hope you're still able to come?"
If as you say they "won't bother" (how do you know if you've always given a lift?!) then that's not your problem, is it. If they want her to come then they'll come on public transport or find alternative arrangements.

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Because on the occasions I haven't been able to give a lift (e g. DD hasn't attended the same party or has been taken by another parent) then friend is just hasn't gone, even if the party has been in the same village. And I don't offer the lifts, the mum or dad messages and asks. If I can, I do.

OP posts:
pteromum · 23/11/2025 21:21

Whoevenarethey · 23/11/2025 21:19

But they are no longer in the same school. The girl isn't likely to remember that it was this friend's birthday coming up and that in the past the mum always took her. Assuming the OPs daughter moved schools in September they won't have seen each other in a few months (unless other playdates have occured) so it's likely she has moved on to other children.

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Possibly. or she will always remember the friend she had.

either way, the OP said her own daughter had wanted her there so I would make that happen.

Needspaceforlego · 23/11/2025 21:21

OP TBH I think not inviting her would be easier.
Your DD is at a new school, with new friends, the other girl is likely to feel out of it anyway if she doesnt know the other girls.

While you are obviously a very kind and caring person, you have a choice either let the friendship slip, or keep it to play dates / sleepovers (where you can give the girl a shower and shampoo).