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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to expect ex to shower DC after swimming?

136 replies

Sprogonthetyne · 23/11/2025 18:29

Before I raise it with him, just checking if this falls into 'different parenting' or if it's a resonable objection. He sees the kids two Sundays a month and quite often takes them swimming, the children enjoy it, so all good there. However I'm getting increasingly annoyed that DS is coming back smelling of chlorine, which means I need to fit baths into the already quiet rushed tea, homework, bed routine after they get back.

If I take them swimming I always take shampoo and shower the kids as soon as they get out, so to me it's just part and parcel of taking kids swimming. I'd never leave chlorine on myself, as I don't want dry skin or damaged hair, so it wouldn't occur to me not to do the same for the kids. However he doesn't seem to see it a necessary.

I have raised this before, but with enthuses on DD, who has long, curly, tangle prone hair, so the previous conversation focused on how tangled he her was getting from been left to dry with chlorine in it, and that it wasn't fair to her to not wash and brush it after swimming. I thought this would be enough to prompt him to just put shampoo in the swim bag, but instead he has started taking them back to his flat and washing DD's hair there (well I expect his mum does it), but still just leaving DS unwashed.

Is this worth raising again? It feels like I'm picking fault but at the same time it's really basic parenting that he should be able to do.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 25/11/2025 09:18

ScaryM0nster · 24/11/2025 21:49

This.

OP, you've shifted the thread from ‘is ex being rubbish in not doing showers after swimming’ to ‘is it ok to suggest something that makes life easier and more comfortable for the children’

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But having parented the kid for 9 years, he is already aware of the sensitive skin, he is already aware of the autism, is already aware of the sensory issues around been repeatedly wet then dry, he know full well about the sleep issues (this is why he refuses overnights). He knows exactly what the usual swimming routine was while we were still together (1 year ago) he know DC's preference for routines and he knows the kid has asked for shampoo at the pool the last two time.

He has made a choice to do it differently despite this. I would be asking him to go back on a decision he's made, not making a suggestion based on new information.

OP posts:
ScaryM0nster · 24/11/2025 21:49

meeee13 · 24/11/2025 16:52

Well, it depends how you say it. I don’t think it’d be unreasonable and controlling to say something like:

Hey, I noticed you’ve been washing DD’s hair after swimming, thank you for doing that. It’s made things so much easier for her on the evening. Is there any chance you could shower DS too? I’ve noticed his skin’s been getting very dry and itchy afterwards, he seems to be sensitive to the chlorine. I’ve found a quick shower and a bit of E45 really helps prevent it from flaring up when I take them.

He could say no, of course, but nothing you’ve said so far suggests he wouldn’t want to make things easier for DS.

Edited
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This.

OP, you've shifted the thread from ‘is ex being rubbish in not doing showers after swimming’ to ‘is it ok to suggest something that makes life easier and more comfortable for the children’

meeee13 · 24/11/2025 16:52

Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 16:45

Well about 100 people up-thread have said I'd be unreasonable and controlling if I ask him to, and that leaving the kids itchy and chlorine-y is just different parenting.

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Well, it depends how you say it. I don’t think it’d be unreasonable and controlling to say something like:

Hey, I noticed you’ve been washing DD’s hair after swimming, thank you for doing that. It’s made things so much easier for her on the evening. Is there any chance you could shower DS too? I’ve noticed his skin’s been getting very dry and itchy afterwards, he seems to be sensitive to the chlorine. I’ve found a quick shower and a bit of E45 really helps prevent it from flaring up when I take them.

He could say no, of course, but nothing you’ve said so far suggests he wouldn’t want to make things easier for DS.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 16:45

meeee13 · 24/11/2025 16:09

I don’t understand why you can’t just ask him to do it. You already asked him to wash DD’s hair, and now he’s doing that. It could just be that he hasn’t even connected the dots that the kids would prefer a shower?

Well about 100 people up-thread have said I'd be unreasonable and controlling if I ask him to, and that leaving the kids itchy and chlorine-y is just different parenting.

OP posts:
RabbitsEatPancakes · 24/11/2025 16:26

I would consider it neglectful to not shower and child immediately after swimming. I always do so at the gym but would accept someone going straight home to. Ignoring it until bedtime is awful.

44PumpLane · 24/11/2025 16:23

Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 09:57

Do you think it would be OK to do this? I'd be happy to send something but not sure of the kind of message that sends to the kids, if I'm encouraging them to smuggle soap to dad's just in case he doesn't provide essentials. It doesn't feel right putting the kids in the middle like that and feels like undermining the view of dad as a 'capable caregiver'

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Hey OP, honestly I think it would be the best idea (to give him a travel sized hair and body wash that you can top up with his usual stuff).

I know it sucks to always have to think about the practical things, and in an ideal world you shouldn't have to. But sending it will help you, it'll help your son, it gives him some independence (doesn't have to ask his Dad for the product) and if your ex thinks anything sinister about it you can just say that your sin mentioned it would be useful, "I didn't think it was a big deal".

You're going to find that 2 partial days out of 30 means it's super easy for him to be "fun guy", but as the kids get older they will see that you were always looking out for them, and that your ex was doing less than the bare minimum.

For now, make your life easier when you can!

meeee13 · 24/11/2025 16:09

I don’t understand why you can’t just ask him to do it. You already asked him to wash DD’s hair, and now he’s doing that. It could just be that he hasn’t even connected the dots that the kids would prefer a shower?

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 13:39

angelikacpickles · 24/11/2025 13:34

Not the point of the thread, but are a 9 and 6 year old really getting homework at the weekend? Is that normal?

Masking at school takes a lot out of them, so they're not in a state to do it on week nights, and it gets pushed to weekends. They usually have a maths work sheet and some spellings. They're at two different schools and both have similar, so I assume it's normal.

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 24/11/2025 13:34

Not the point of the thread, but are a 9 and 6 year old really getting homework at the weekend? Is that normal?

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 13:19

Sunshinesmon · 24/11/2025 13:11

Surely by 9yo, if the chlorine makes them itchy and uncomfortable, they'd ask for a shower if they need one.

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Maybe a NT 9yo, mine isn't overly body aware. l still need to say "your shivering, go put a jumper on", or remind him to eat. He definitely doesn't have the planning to think "if I don't shower now, I'll be itchy in a few hours time" or to remember that that is what happens 2 weeks ago

OP posts:
Sunshinesmon · 24/11/2025 13:11

Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 10:51

There would be no issues with him showering them when they get home (to his home). The problem is leaving the dried on chlorine for 5 hours, then dropping them off without telling me they're still chlorine-y, so if I don't happen to smell their hair, it doesn't get washed off until next time they have a shower (usually the next day)

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Surely by 9yo, if the chlorine makes them itchy and uncomfortable, they'd ask for a shower if they need one.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 13:07

GlasgowGal2014 · 24/11/2025 12:52

In that case just buy a bottle of shampoo and give it to your son! You're not giving it to you Ex, you are giving it to your son who wants it as part of a routine you've built with him, which your Ex obviously doesn't think is important. He can stick it in his coat pocket and transfer it to their Dad's swimming bag and then it will be there every time he needs it. I feel like you're making this a lot more difficult than it needs to be!

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Maybe your right and I am just overcomplicateing it. I'm just nervous of the reaction from ex if I do send shampoo, like "how dare you interfere/over-ride my decision not to shower at pool/ imply I can't provide soap" or whatever other interpretation ex might put on it. Especially if he get shouty about it in front of the kids at handover.

If I were to raise it (and based on responses here, i dont think i will), I'd feel safer doing it through the parenting app when the kids aren't with him, and when he has a couple of weeks to calm down before they next see him.

OP posts:
GlasgowGal2014 · 24/11/2025 12:52

Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 11:33

On two occasions DS has asked to wash his hair, while at the pool, and been told they don't have shampoo with them. He's probably asking more because it's his usual post swimming routine, and he likes routins to stay the same, then because he fully understands or can articulate the sensory side of things, he struggles with understanding that and more often I need to inferior through behaviour when something sensory is bothering.

I'm not sure if DS would ask again after getting back to dad's house, especially if the alternative was to play a game or something, plus by then he's already dry, so less keen on getting wet again.

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In that case just buy a bottle of shampoo and give it to your son! You're not giving it to you Ex, you are giving it to your son who wants it as part of a routine you've built with him, which your Ex obviously doesn't think is important. He can stick it in his coat pocket and transfer it to their Dad's swimming bag and then it will be there every time he needs it. I feel like you're making this a lot more difficult than it needs to be!

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 11:48

PurpleThistle7 · 24/11/2025 11:06

The thing is that your ex is a fun times dad as he has them 2/30 days - and not even overnight it sounds like. So he’s not a particularly involved parent and never has to deal with the repercussions. I just think you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to force him to do it instead of just working out how to manage it yourself. You’re doing literally all the parenting here which is awful but seems unavoidable in this setup.

My daughter has severe eczema and is autistic so I understand the struggle all too well. She did school swimming though - I’d slather her up in the morning and evening and it was fine. Well, as fine as anything else is.

I know your right, but I want to be fun time mum, not 'extra sensible stuff you have to do when your tired and cranky from all the dad fun' mum.

I'd settle for us both been 'proposal amounts of fun and sensible' time parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 11:33

ScaryM0nster · 24/11/2025 11:20

Your son is 9.

That’s approaching an age where he can take some responsibility for his own washing. If he’s not comfortable without a shower after swimming then he can start taking some ownership of that.

What does he want? You can help him express that. It’s also reasonable for the two parents to work together on better managing sensory needs. But that’s a different conversation to ‘basic parenting says you should be showering them after swimming’.

On two occasions DS has asked to wash his hair, while at the pool, and been told they don't have shampoo with them. He's probably asking more because it's his usual post swimming routine, and he likes routins to stay the same, then because he fully understands or can articulate the sensory side of things, he struggles with understanding that and more often I need to inferior through behaviour when something sensory is bothering.

I'm not sure if DS would ask again after getting back to dad's house, especially if the alternative was to play a game or something, plus by then he's already dry, so less keen on getting wet again.

OP posts:
maudelovesharold · 24/11/2025 11:28

all those multiple, manky feet going through them. Maybe just me who thought that.

They’ve been chlorinated to within an inch of their lives, though!

ScaryM0nster · 24/11/2025 11:20

Your son is 9.

That’s approaching an age where he can take some responsibility for his own washing. If he’s not comfortable without a shower after swimming then he can start taking some ownership of that.

What does he want? You can help him express that. It’s also reasonable for the two parents to work together on better managing sensory needs. But that’s a different conversation to ‘basic parenting says you should be showering them after swimming’.

NeverHadHaveHas · 24/11/2025 11:17

Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 11:06

Because it wouldn't be nice for the kids to be quizzed about everything their dad did or didn't do as soon as they come back

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I think you’re over thinking this. A ‘kids did you have a shower after swimming because if not I’ll pop the bath on’ is not an inquisition.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 11:06

NeverHadHaveHas · 24/11/2025 10:55

Could you not just ask him or them if they’ve had a shower? Why do you need to smell it?

Because it wouldn't be nice for the kids to be quizzed about everything their dad did or didn't do as soon as they come back

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 24/11/2025 11:06

The thing is that your ex is a fun times dad as he has them 2/30 days - and not even overnight it sounds like. So he’s not a particularly involved parent and never has to deal with the repercussions. I just think you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to force him to do it instead of just working out how to manage it yourself. You’re doing literally all the parenting here which is awful but seems unavoidable in this setup.

My daughter has severe eczema and is autistic so I understand the struggle all too well. She did school swimming though - I’d slather her up in the morning and evening and it was fine. Well, as fine as anything else is.

NeverHadHaveHas · 24/11/2025 10:55

Could you not just ask him or them if they’ve had a shower? Why do you need to smell it?

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 10:51

NeverHadHaveHas · 24/11/2025 10:38

My dd swims with a club 4 times a week and none of the kids in the squad of about 25 kids have a shower afterwards, other than those with eczema who have a very quick rinse off. It wouldn’t be practical as there are only three showers, it would take hours. As far as I know, none of them have any issues as a result of showering when they get home so I think you’re making an issue where there doesn’t need to be one really. You could ask him and explain that it would be good for a convenience point of view for you, but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong parenting-wise by not showering them immediately.

There would be no issues with him showering them when they get home (to his home). The problem is leaving the dried on chlorine for 5 hours, then dropping them off without telling me they're still chlorine-y, so if I don't happen to smell their hair, it doesn't get washed off until next time they have a shower (usually the next day)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 10:44

Ddakji · 24/11/2025 10:27

That’s not how I’ve taken it. It’s just that he’s doing this differently. It genuinely won’t hurt your kids if they don’t shower till the morning after swimming if evening showers are a problem. From your OP it’s two Sundays a month and he “often” (so not always?) takes them swimming.

It really isn’t a huge issue. If this was twice a week it would be.

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But it becomes my problem when they can't sleep because their itchy or get rashes which I can't just leave it to worse over night. Getting chlorine off is something that needed to happen (for our kids, at least), so shouldn't that be the responsibility of the person who got them chlorine-y

OP posts:
NeverHadHaveHas · 24/11/2025 10:38

My dd swims with a club 4 times a week and none of the kids in the squad of about 25 kids have a shower afterwards, other than those with eczema who have a very quick rinse off. It wouldn’t be practical as there are only three showers, it would take hours. As far as I know, none of them have any issues as a result of showering when they get home so I think you’re making an issue where there doesn’t need to be one really. You could ask him and explain that it would be good for a convenience point of view for you, but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong parenting-wise by not showering them immediately.

GlasgowGal2014 · 24/11/2025 10:33

Sprogonthetyne · 24/11/2025 09:57

Do you think it would be OK to do this? I'd be happy to send something but not sure of the kind of message that sends to the kids, if I'm encouraging them to smuggle soap to dad's just in case he doesn't provide essentials. It doesn't feel right putting the kids in the middle like that and feels like undermining the view of dad as a 'capable caregiver'

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I would just pick up a bottle of shampoo next time you're in the supermarket, hand it to your kid and say 'this was on special offer and I thought it would be handy for your swimming bag at Dad's house'. I don't see why it's such a big deal to provide them with a bottle of shampoo to take with them?