To be disgusted by who I used to be…

please be kind to yourself. Some unpleasant people hone on in others insecurities and he hunted you basically and treated you like meat.
The first step to recovery for you is to forgive yourself. You didn’t pick your upbringing and the way you behaved was because of the messages you were given by those you love to you. That you were unworthy. Not worth being treated properly.
Don’t let this leave a mark on the rest of your
life. Forget about it and the people who caused you pain.
Similar happened to me. I choose the see the positive in the negative (my bambino’s!)

My love, you have to forgive yourself.

you were reacting to horrendous wrongs against you, but now you’re safe, you have power and you can distance yourself from your past.

Your past situation is completely understandably and almost textbook for people who grew up in an environment similar to yours. It's a common reaction/behaviour.

It's not your fault at all and you have nothing to feel bad about or ashamed off. Men took advantage of you.

It's also not who you are and doesn't define you. Don't allow it too.

Please be kind to yourself. The only one judging you is you. xxx

The incident with the predatory colleague, was his fault and his alone. He was a disgusting sleaze who got away with it. You are a victim in that, I don’t care how much you have drunk.

I wasn’t your fault.
You’re weren’t horrible or disgusting, you were vulnerable and deserved to be loved and cared for, but you were let down.

I imagine the people who voted YABU, did so because they don’t want you to feel ashamed. And those who voted YANBU did so because they empathise with you.

You’re suffering because of your past. A good therapist will help you see these weren’t choices, but all you knew how to survive. Therapy is hard, and some sessions can be hard going, but when you have those gradual breakthroughs, it really helps.

Oh love, you put yourself in dangerous situations because you were never taught how to take care of yourself.

You took care of yourself by self medicating with alcohol which left you vulnerable.

Whilst vulnerable you were abused by various men who knew you lacked the ability to fully consent.

None of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong. You were let down by everyone around you at that time.

But you know what? You are strong, you came through it all. You beat the statistics and proved that you can rely on yourself. You can overcome anything.

Don’t be ashamed of your past. Be proud of where you are today and feel safe in the knowledge that you can deal with anything life throws at you and come out thriving.

You can’t change your past. You need to let it go. It’s over, gone.

Who are you, now? What do you like, what makes you happy? What you want to do right now, to make it a bit better, then tomorrow, then the next day? Do not waste your life worrying about what you did when you were younger. If I met you I wouldn’t care about what you did then, I’d want to know who you are now.

ps I also have suffered from low self esteem and have a past I’m not proud of… but it wasn’t a crime and it made me who I am, it’s given me lots of material to write about, and I know I won’t have a mid life crisis because been there done that! ☺️

You did the best you could with the hand you were given. Maybe you needed to walk that road to be who you are today, to know what you want and what’s right and wrong for you.

drinking so much as a young person really isn’t the sin you seem to think it is. it was your way of coping and even though it obviously wasn’t the best coping mechanism you absolutely shouldn’t feel shame for it - you were muddling through as best as you could and you survived that phase and have come through it stronger.

that man was a predator and obviously wanted to coerce you into sexual activity. lots of women have experienced similar and the thing all those instances have in common is that it was the offender who was shameful not the woman.

You were really vulnerable op...be kind to yourself

Both good people and bad people do bad things.
Bad people don’t feel guilty about them. Good people do and strive to be better. It sounds like you have already done this so you need to make your peace with it. The colleague’s husband was at fault in that situation, not you

If you've not got parents who actually want the best for you, then this is what happens. This is not your fault. Other people have parents who make sure to collect them from nights out, rather than leaving them to the predatory men who take advantage of your youth, inexperience with alcohol and lack of self-esteem.

The shame is on your parents, not you. And that man - he followed you, not the other way around. And your youth, inexperience with alcohol and lack of self-esteem was what a) attracted him and b) led to whatever happened.

Whenever you find your thoughts going back to it, turn the shame on him and your parents. You left home because your home life was miserable. That's on them, not you. You left home when you were too young to cope properly and this is the upshot. None of this is your fault, and I'm sure you are a million times a better parent than yours ever were.

Please remember how different society was and this type of behaviour was applauded and encouraged. Lots of tv shows and movies show how women were expected to be carefree and easy. You didn’t have anyone to guide you in the right direction so did what you thought was cool and fun. Your regret now just shows how much you’ve grown and changed, be proud of that.

OP, I also had an abusive upbringing with a mother who was BPD/NPD (EUPD now). You were trying your best to live, to soothe your pain, to connect. And you succeeded because you are now a happily married mother. How would that teenager look at you now? You have achieved so much, and your earlier self brought you to where you are now. You didn't have the luxury of developing normally so you had to do it your own way. (And the behaviour of others was not your fault.) Give yourself understanding and kindness.

Be proud of the fact you turned your life around and forgive yourself for how you were before. That’s not you now and that’s what counts.

I’m glad you’re having counselling. You are being incredibly unkind to yourself. This man took advantage of a vulnerable young woman, the shame is his, not yours. I’m so sorry your mum put you through all that

You survived a sad childhood with an abusive mum, who must have had her own problems, you had a troubled younger life where your self esteem was on the floor, and have managed to build up a good life for yourself.
I think you are brilliant.

Apologies, have just seen you’re having counselling. It’s ok to take a break from it if you don’t feel that it’s working or you’re not in the right place for it at the current time x

I agree with @W0tnow (above). Forgive yourself, OP. Look how far you've come!

I have a similar story to yours re my teens: poor choices, sleeping around, after my self-esteem was completely destroyed. What started me turning the corner was when I was talking to DH about it a few years ago and he said "It wasn't your fault" and I said "Yeah, but I did [that]" and he said "It wasn't your fault". He kept this up for TWO HOURS until the penny finally dropped for me. So I haven't had proper therapy but this helped me, and the other thing has been learning about forgiveness. So your mum, who did you wrong - maybe she'd had an awful upbringing herself? Maybe there's a way to understand why she chose to be such an awful mother to you. Or maybe she was mentally ill. Whatever, it doesn't matter - the point is that if you can forgive her you can leave the guilt of your behaviour in the past, forgive yourself, and move on. Best wishes x

Sendings hugs OP.

As another PP said if you met your younger self now you would be supporting her, not berating her. Be kind to yourself.

I think everyone has regrets in life but you have to think its because of them regrets you are the person you are today. You say you are happy with where you are now think of it like the butterfly effect if your life had been different earlier on it would likely be different now.

I think this is key - if you could meet yourself then you wouldn't to shame her and tell her she was a bad person, you'd want to tell her she didn't deserve what she'd been through and was worth so much more.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t see your behaviour as an excuse. I see it as a reason.