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Original poster

AIBU to not know whether to try for a 4th baby after a stillbirth, or stop at 3?

41 replies

Snickersgalaxy · 23/11/2025 15:08

I’m really struggling with whether to try for a 4th baby or not. We currently have 3 children, DD11, DS9, DS7. all close in age and very bonded.

Originally, I always imagined having 2, then a big gap, then another 2. But number 3 was a surprise, so because the age gaps ended up being small, all three are close together.

Earlier this year I was supposed to have our 4th, a little girl. I gave birth at 28 weeks and she was stillborn. We were so close, and all I’d ever wanted was for my eldest to have a sister. Losing her was heartbreaking. I’ve had therapy, and I fully understand I can’t replace her, but the longing and broodiness are still there at times.

A few months later, I applied for a nursing degree and started this September. Now that life is getting structured again, I keep thinking… do we actually want another baby?

Our kids are older, much more independent. We have such lovely quality time now, days out, holidays, just a really good family dynamic. Part of me feels so content and peaceful with the idea of stopping at 3.

But when I’m alone, I still picture what it would have been like for us to experience pregnancy, birth, and welcoming a new little one, especially after losing our angel baby. It’s not about replacing her; it’s wishing we could have had that joy as a family.

Realistically, if we had another, it would be after my degree and once I’m settled into a job. By then there would be around a 12-year age gap between DC3 and a new baby. And that worries me, would it disrupt our dynamic? Would the youngest feel left out because the older three are close in age and have more in common?

At the same time, I have moments of absolute clarity where I think our family feels complete. Three is perfect. Maybe it’s time to enjoy this stage and move forward.

For reference, I’m 32, and part of my original dream was that by my 40s, I’d have older kids so I could have more “me time”, focus on my career, afford holidays, and enjoy life with them as they grow.

So I’m soooooo torn. should I try for a 4th in a few years, or cherish the 3 amazing children I already have and close this chapter?

Would love to hear from anyone who’s had big gaps between children, or who decided to stop after a still birth, even though a part of them was still broody.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snickersgalaxy · 23/11/2025 15:51

@SheSpeaks
gosh I am so sorry for your loss and what you went through, and thank you so much for sharing. I’m hoping you find peace with your losses and you mourn and remember them the way you want to 💐

@itsgettingweird @333FionaG thank you, makes sense to get my degree done and then see how I feel about it. But I’m an over thinker and it’s something that’s constantly in my mind!

@mummytrex I’m so sorry for your loss, and yes thats another of my worry!

OP posts:
adamduritzvocalchords · 23/11/2025 15:47

I am sorry for your loss. I can’t speak on having another after such a loss but I am someone who was the youngest child of a big gap. My brothers are 9 and 11 years older than me. I loved it. I had my mum and dad to myself a lot as the boys were older and a lot of benefits of an only child but with the bonus of having brothers who were also really good to me!

SheSpeaks · 23/11/2025 15:42

I am sorry for the loss of your little girl and your little boy.

I have not experienced stillbirth as I lost my little girl around 4.5 months pregnant and my little boy around 5.5 months pregnant. I miss them every day but in different ways.

My last pregnancy resulted in a living baby thankfully and I ended it there, but with one fewer children than I feel like I should have had. I miss my first lost baby (my first ever pregnancy) but I don’t have any real idea about who or what she could have been, especially as I wasn’t allowed to name her or mourn her. So I miss her more as a concept. I knew who my little boy was, who he could have been, I had more of an idea about what I’d lost and yes, it made a difference that his siblings also experienced the loss with me. It was more allowed for me to grieve as people had known I was pregnant. Although I still wasn’t allowed to name or bury him, as he didn’t officially exist, I still talk about him.

I will always feel like I have at least one less child than I should have and that will always make me sad, but not sad enough to have another - my children are older, I don’t want to start again. But there is a hole in the middle of the family, maybe one only I see, but I do see it.

333FionaG · 23/11/2025 15:38

Finish your nursing degree, do a year as a NQN then revisit the idea of having another baby.

mummytrex · 23/11/2025 15:37

Sorry for your loss op. Whilst I have no useful advice as to whether you ought to go ahead, as someone that has had a late loss I would say that if you do decide to try again the pregnancy may well be stressful. I was on high alert and stressed until my baby was in my arms as I was so aware of what could go wrong.

Blueandred1 · 23/11/2025 15:35

Spookyspaghetti · 23/11/2025 15:35

Why are you desperate to derail. She clearly said her partner was supportive and happy to try again for a 4th too.

Show quote history

But then says both on same page re not wanting to

Spookyspaghetti · 23/11/2025 15:35

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Why are you desperate to derail. She clearly said her partner was supportive and happy to try again for a 4th too.

BustSeamBridesmaid · 23/11/2025 15:32

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itsgettingweird · 23/11/2025 15:31

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of both your DD and DS.

I would say it’s hard to tell right now how You’ll feel in a few years.

Congratulations on getting in your nursing degree course.

I would just say if you aren’t planning on another until after your degree and securing a job then wait until that time and see how you feel then. It may be the grief, it may be natural hormones due to age or it may be that you absolutely are sure you want another and when that time is right you TTC.

Blueandred1 · 23/11/2025 15:26

but we both share the same view on this.

which is? Not to go ahead?

in that case, it’s a no brainer

MelOfTheRoses · 23/11/2025 15:25

I think the hormonal rollercoaster of losing a baby leaves you with a strong desire for another - and also leaving the baby/younger age stage with your children. And as you get older and near menopause.

But as your children grow and you can do more of the things with them that you couldn't do with a younger child in tow, you come to terms with it more. x

Original poster
Snickersgalaxy · 23/11/2025 15:24

@WearyCat i think you’re right, it could have a lot with grieving my baby or what could have been. Baby 4 was planned, anticipated and awaited with all the love. The hardest thing was telling our children the baby didn’t make it, as they were excited every step of the way and were very involved. My DD still has moments where she cries. This is my second preterm loss (first loss was my b baby boy at 22 weeks) and they have experienced both losses.

@Blueandred1 my partner is very understanding, and he would also love to have another one, but we both share the same view on this.

OP posts:
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 23/11/2025 15:22

Honestly even though you are young it would delay the next stage of your life and massively hold back your nursing career. You have another 9 years before your youngest is 16 why would you want add another 16 years to the situation?

madaboutpurple · 23/11/2025 15:19

I also am sorry for your loss. Personally I would say this is maybe nature advising you to call it a day as your family situation might be wonderful as it is and thankfully you all seem well.

Blueandred1 · 23/11/2025 15:17

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WearyCat · 23/11/2025 15:14

I am so sorry for your loss. Do you think these feelings are part of grieving your baby?

Given everything else you have written, I would work towards accepting your family as it is- perfect, as you say, and with room for you to have a career and your own interests, enjoy life and your children. It sounds as if what you already have is likely to give you all that you want, notwithstanding your natural grief and sense of loss around your baby who died.

wishing you peace x