Xmas and adult step children

Id be taking my own children out for Christmas dinner at a restaurant and leave him at home to do the grunt work for his ungrateful children.

You can't ban him from seeing his family but you don't have to do any work to facilitate it, stepping back may open his eyes or not but it won't be your problem anymore.

It's totally up to your DC whether he decides to buy his DC Xmas gifts or give them cash. No need for you to get involved in buying or wrapping any gifts he gets for them.

Personally I think their behaviour is the result of poor parenting so I’d be blaming the DH (assuming the mum is not around as not mentioned). I’d start being petty with my husband rather than with his kids.

This with bells on.
Or alternatively a group message
Hi everyone let me know what you want to do for Christmas. I'll do the turkey. Who wants to do the sprouts? Who wants to bring the dessert?

It sounds like he hasn't brought his DC up well. You should not have to pay the cost. You put the work in on your own DC upbringing and now they are decent humans. I'd tell DH you are not going to invite his DC to Xmas dinner this year but if he wishes to he can be cooking the Xmas dinner this year. You are having a year off and sitting down with a glass of wine to chat to your DC when they visit. He can ask his DC to help with packing up dishwasher or washing up. You and your DC will be taking a little walk after Xmas lunch. Tell him you will cook on NY day. Alternatively you cook for DH and your DC and he pays for his DC to go to a hotel or get a takeaway.

It’s not you inviting them, it’s your husband inviting them. He can do the hosting and also the gift buying part. That way you are not bitter.

Sounds to me like you just need to take a step back, let dh do all the hosting and you sit back. He can do the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping.. no drama, just leave it to him.

I wouldn’t have banned them but I wouldn’t be their slave for the day or buying them expensive gifts.

They can get a £10 token gift each or get them nothing and if they act surprised say you’ve finally accepted their way of not exchanging gifts as it’s clearly not their thing. Call them out to help clear up the after food mess. No fetching them food and drinks.

Id also unashamedly hide away some of the better bits till they had left or eat them prior but I’m petty.

I know it seems frustrating however to support your husband to have a relationship with his children I don't think I would be that bothered, presence is more valuable than presents. I would invite them over still.

I think YABU. I completely understand you being anoyed with them and not buying them gifts but it's your DHs home too and they are his family, so it is for him to decide what contact he has with them in his own home. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell DH that he can do the shopping, prep and cooking for the day.

I don't think you can tell your husband whether or not he can see his children on Christmas Day. You can tell him that he needs to do all the host prep/ present buying/ tidying after though.

I can see why you're annoyed but I would try a middle ground first before the nuclear option of not inviting them for Christmas Day.

This is especially so if their mother isn't around, and I'm wondering if this is the case given they are at yours Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's.

So, I'd invite them but tell them they need to bring something and have a discussion about what that might be. This will prevent them turning up with just a packet of chips.

I wouldn't get them presents. If your husband wants to, he can, but that's up to him to organise and pay for (I'm assuming you have some separation of money?)

With clearing up, I'd tell your husband this is his responsibility (assuming he doesn't help with prep). If he doesn't get his children to help, then more work for him. Not your problem. If he does do a lot of prep, then let him be responsible for everything and tell him you'll clean up. Your kids can help and you can have a nice time chatting with them in the kitchen.

Whatever you do, make sure the burden of his children not helping falls on him, not you. Then it's up to him whether he wants to do all the work or have a word with his adult children.