Xmas and adult step children

Losing a parent so young, then having a feckless dad who gave up on them, with a wife/step-mum who clearly has no time for them either is very sad.

You have a dh problem - a manchild who seems can't cook, parent before or even after his children lost their mum, prioritise his children or communicate - does he have any useful qualities? Blaming the dead mum for all their failings when he should have been there too is rather pathetic.

You say you have a "blended family", it doesn't sound like you do, it is very much an me and mine, and then them ruining the picture. His kids should be made to feel welcome as part of a blended family, but your dh needs to grow up/step up, mentor his children, put clear, fair and achievable boundaries and expectations in around the invite. Check they are clear, help them if needed and if they don't step up he needs to step up for them, help them with buying some gifts, bringing over some dishes, do some cooking himself (it isn't rocket science - they can all learn together, up to him to make it fun) and clear up after.

He needs to help them every week of the year, as they are clearly struggling with missing skills, not just at Christmas. With an already strained relationship his help will not be welcomed at first, but he need to keep plugging away and see what works, put the time in and mend the past. It will take time and patience.

Could you compromise and celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve with your dc instead. Exchange presents on that day. Then have a scaled down celebration on Christmas day with his dc. No presents will be exchanged with your dc so it won't look pointed if you don't give your sdc anything. You can have the leftover turkey sliced and on a plate plus maybe cook a small pork joint. Only 1or 2 bottles of alcohol per meal so they can't get drunk. Lock the rest in your bedroom. For Boxing day, send them home with left overs for dinner but invite them over for a buffet tea. Even your dh should be able to put together some salad, bread, cheese and shop bought goodies for his kids and you go and spend the afternoon with your own kids.

Yes YABU

Yabu. I totally understand your reasoning but there are dh children you can’t stop him seeing them on Christmas Day or stop them coming into what i presume is a jointly owned home. I would get dh to buy their gifts and have a word with them about helping out / bringing gifts

OP, do you usually actually extend an invitation, and are you planning this to tell them that they aren’t invited this year?

I would be worried that they might just show up anyway as they live so close.

This!

yes I missed out the horrible abusive silent treatment. God, what a catch!

tbh they don't sound as though they've been parented very well if they don't keep themselves clean, their house or know how to conduct themselves in public. Then again, they did lose their mum when they were 15 and 19 which is a horrendous time to lose a parent. And it doesn't sound as though your partner as done very much to help them since. I actually feel quite sorry for them.

Your partner sounds pretty rubbish tbh - a crap parent and a crap partner if he can't even cook a meal.

I am astonished that your partner thinks it is appropriate for you, your home, and your children to be subjected to this behaviour. The bar is far too low OP.
You have to stand up for yourself.And raise the bar.
If he wants to see them, he has to go round to theirs. They all live near each other so should be easy. But they are not coming round to yours.
If he wants to buy presents he can. But you aren't.

I have to ask: why are you with this user and his grubby family? What did associating with these people add to your children’s lives, and yours? They all sound like shiftless, unpleasant users, including your husband.

This. Take your kids out for a festive meal and let the rest of them flounder around on their own.

Your husband sounds like a misogynist abusive ass, btw. Two weeks of silent treatment?

I think it would be really harsh not to invite them. I think the fact that their Mum died and that their Dad lives with you and one (or more of your kids) is very relevant. If their Dad doesn’t want to ask them to help then that’s up to him. Likewise if he is happy for them to just pitch up then it’s hardly surprising that’s what they do.
If you don’t want to do as much at Christmas then don’t but two extra adults isn’t a big deal. They don’t sound very nice or mature but you must feel sorry for them. You have expectations of them that their own Dad doesn’t.

Spot on

exactly.

You cant dictate what ye does but you absolutely can dictate what you will do. Id be removing myself (and inviting those i wanted) and id be taking myself elsewhere. They can sit in squalor and eat a pot noodle before id spend another second in their presence.

Their mum died when they were 15 and 19? Well whatever they’ve become now seems to be as a result of your husbands poor parenting tbh. So were they left to live on their own when their mum died? Or did their dad live with them for a while? I hope they were not left alone to deal with their grief at that age and to sort out their lives. They deserve better. Poor siblings.

Their father needs to help them deal with their issues, not agree with his wife to exclude then on christmas day when they have nowhere else to go!
He needs to help them sort their lives out tbh. He’s the only remaining parent and he has a lot of catching up to do.

Your H would probably get professional help to help them sort out their house and deal with any lingering psychological issues.

Go away with your children. That’s the only way you will get want you want / need.

It might also give dh a kick up the arse to how his life would be if you wasn’t there running around making it all nice.

It takes 2 to parent, where was DH when mum was still alive, where was DH after mum died?

Go - just you - to one of your children's houses for Christmas and leave him to deal with his two children as he sees fit.

But as the remaining parent why didn’t he equip
them with life skills? They were young teenagers when their mother died. It sounds like utter crap parenting from their father.

Do you own or rent your house?

You still have dependants so he needs to go

Can you plan to go out over Christmas with your children?

I understand that now they're adults, this isn't acceptable.
However, they were 15 and 19 when their Mum who did everything died. Dad had already moved on with a new family and you're surprised they don't know how to be adults??
It's, yet again, a DH problem as he didn't step up when they needed him. He also sounds like he doesn't adult very well as do everything. There's no surprise that they are clueless!
I know they are adults now but I think they've been dealt a rough hand and they will see what you usually do as tradition and acceptable as it's the way it's always been.
Stopping it all is unfair but more boundaries are needed. Unfortunately, the boundaries need to agreed and enforced by DH and if his response is to give the silent treatment then he isn't very emotionally grown up so you'll find it challenging.
Again, the children who lost their mother and have been let down by their father are not who you should be directing your anger towards!

Yes dump DH or at least insist he goes to theirs -also crap for your DCs to always to have this drunken rabble round

The Christmas day issue is a one day a year issue.

"After a huge argument my husband is giving me silent treatment for last 2 weeks"
He on the other hand sounds like an all year round issue.