Xmas and adult step children

this. You can consider going away for Christmas the next year, but this year you can’t ban them. You can ask them to bring specific items and only give very token gifts.

Loved your suggestion about hiding all the best bits. Ho ho

Ask then to bring a large fresh Turkey the day before. So that they can share the cost.

And on the day, also bring some cans of beer, wine etc.

Don't buy them any presents either
Let your DH do that. They are his kids after all

They have been taking the piss for too long..Time to put a stop to it.

I second this, some people need to be given black and white instructions.

You could give half to your DH and tell him his responsibility is to manage it with his side of the family.

Things only change when shown the way...good luck! Xx

They may not be as polite and thoughtful as your family (I get this from MOE) but they are his family so as equally entitled to being there really.

Drop some hints, oh can you bring x and y please. Could they miss one day though, so not one after the another? Xx

Maybe book a meal out for you and your children. If he wants to host Xmas at home, he can knock himself out

Did they live with their Mum? If so she Probably didn't encourage them to do these things. They should still be invited, they are your husbands children, no matter what age.

You said, for the last 10 years, but 10 years ago, they were 15 & 19. I wouldn’t expect 15 & 19 year olds to be buying gifts for everyone. In their mid to late 20s, maybe, but not all families do gifts. YOU might do gifts, but it doesn’t sound like their dad does. Time together is so much more important. But their dad needs to model all of this and set these boundaries. Has he been fairly disengaged and lumped this all on you? I can see why they wouldn’t feel super close to him.

Set up a family WhatsApp group for Christmas. List what food is needed and job on the day, everyone to pick a food they will bring and put their name against a task ie prep vegetables, buy and cook pigs in blanket . This would include your DH - why is he allowed to opt out of preparing the Christmas meal? Lazy?

I know! The newly elected mayor of New York City is only a few years older!

If he wants to see his children so badly at Christmas he can arrange to visit them at their house,

Your DH has really let them down. They don't know to thank the cook, at the very least? He has let this bad behaviour continue for years, you should be uninviting him for starters. Social norms within families can be chalk and cheese, it appears your step DC haven't been taught basic manners, it has continued over the last 10 years and now you want to punish them? This is very unfair. Make your expectations of please/thank you, a gift and help clearing up very clear. Send it in a text message if needs be.

People mature at different rates, but they do sound at best rude.

However, personally I don't think if it reasonable ask a father to exclude their motherless children from Christmas for being rude and ungrateful. Absolutely you can say you are not cooking and he has to, or that you are going out for a meal with your kids and he can have his children over himself of course.

Personally I would just give everyone jobs as I said, so they know the expectation, and tell DH he can make sure his kids contribute. If they then choose not to come, that is their decision. However, that still places the mental load on OP so think perfectly reasonable to just take herself away for the day with her kids ect.

Quite young? One of them is 29! I would be off out for a nice meal with my two personally.

Obviously they are rude, but they are still his children. It is really unfair to impose excluding his children on him unless they have done something appalling. Why don't you allocate jobs to everyone for Christmas (eg you bring X and you are on clearing up after X meal) and also do a family secret santa so they have bring someone a gift?

Not saying they are not really rude, sounds like they are, but they are still (quite) young and his children.

Are you cooking for the man who's been stonewalling you for weeks?

Stonewalling is abuse, you don't have to live like this. Sadly the house is a marital asset.

For the sake of one day I would invite them but maybe at a later time.

Their mother died when they were 15 and 19. Your husband makes no effort to see them all year

Poor kids

They were 15 and 19 when there mum died ,did your partner ever parent them?

You’ve had some good advice @OneMerryJoker. Cut down on the booze so they can’t get drunk and let your DH buy them presents if he wants, don’t do it yourself.

In future, I hope that one of your older children has the room to host and you can go over there!

So when their mum died
Did their dad move in the house to look after them ?
At what point did he move in with you

If he wants them over, he cooks. Simple. I would not put up with years of rudeness, they are adults not toddlers.

@OneMerryJoker

I think you need to understand that the only person you have control over is yourself. You can't make his DC do anything and DH is not going to try. You say DH 'can't cook' so what did he do after his wife died or they divorced if that came first? He must have had some period of having to do for himself and his DC before you came along. But at any rate, you can't make him cook, either.

Which leaves you with this; either you put up and shut up or you take action. For action you have two choices; you sit on your arse and he either does Xmas or he doesn't, including buying their gifts. Or you take your 15 year old and go elsewhere. It must be miserable for him/her on Xmas Day if your DH's DC are as horrible as you say. You say your two older children don't have room, but even the smallest place can usually handle two or three extra bodies, even if everyone has to eat from plates on their laps and/or sit on the floor. I'd rather do that than put up with what you say Xmas is like at your house. In fact, if I were your older DC I'd tell you that I'd see you either Xmas Eve or Boxing Day rather than spend the day with your DSC.

Get through Xmas. Then give the totality of your marriage some serious thought. Think about what are you really getting out of it compared to what you're having to 'endure' to get whatever that is.

They sound like heathens. I couldn't bear to be in the company of such badly behaved people - regardless of how I was related to them.

At 25 and 29 there is no excuse. They are uncouth and your husband enables it, and to a degree has caused it.

I wouldn't be catering for them in any shape or form, and certainly not buying the ungrateful sods, gifts.

Make other arrangements and let your husband slave in the kictehn for them, shop for them, and serve them.

They may be his adult children. It may be a jointly owned home.
It doesn't give his adult children licence to behave in a degrading and rude way. Nor does it give him some sort of inability to say no to them.
If he wants to see them, he goes to them.

id be looking at Hoseasons lodges for the cheapest and nearest place to home and take me and my dc off from the Monday to the Friday of Xmas week.
”Yes, yes, we won’t be around, have to go and see old uncle fester, he’s 104 now so probably his last Xmas. Yes, yes, it’s fine that DH wants to stay and spend Xmas with you all but of course it’s self service for you all, yes yes bye bye”.
nobody should have to spend Xmas with what sounds like a bunch of rude, lazy, smelly, drunken entitled twats. Most of us will be putting up with one of those undesirable qualities for a few hours at some point - but all together? Nah.