To think that it’s sometimes better to stay in a bad marriage?

Your children are angry - now
You are upset - now

You know better than anyone how much a bad relationship can impact your life, how it can impact every part of your life, the rest of your life - you have a responsibility to your children to not raise them in that environment, not teach them to accept bad behaviour in relationships or behave badly themselves. Keeping your kids in that environment would be wrong, you would be letting your kids down. Imagine how devastated you would feel later in life to see them in bad relationships. You have done whats best for them, even if it doesnt feel like it right now.
There is no point having a comfortable childhood if it comes at the cost of thinking its normal for people in a relationship to hate each other and treat each other badly.
Children dont like brushing their teeth, we make them brush them so that their teeth remain healthy throughout their whole life, not just so they are clean today.

You’re not unreasonable to feel however you feel. It’s a journey and a difficult one, hopefully in time you’ll feel differently.

I agree. I absolutely despair of the rush in to say LTB on here when someone posts that their DH has been a bit selfish or rude or forgotten their anniversary. No one is perfect all the time. No marriage is happy all the time. You work on it. You discuss how to improve it. You make efforts to have fun together, as a family and as a couple. I'd only leave if DH was actually abusive or controlling mentally, physically or financially. Otherwise, I would - and have - put in the ffort to sort out the issues that drive me insane.

But OP, things will settle down. DC will get calmer and life will improve from the initial fall out.

You left for good reasons. Don’t ever doubt yourself. You deserve to live a happy, peaceful life. Your children will grow up and understand why you had to leave (he’ll start to treat them the way he treated you). Hang on in there. It gets better. Loads better!

Well yes, to an extent life will be harder - certainly initially. There's only one of you now with all the responsibilities and finances that were shared. You've also lost a companion and someone to share holidays and a social life with. Even though your marriage was toxic, it's still a mighty wrench and your whole psyche needs to adjust. How long have you been seperated OP? How old are the children? It will get better and you will adjust to the "new normal" and once you do you really will realise that you did the best thing for you and your children.

You have to trust the process and trust that your DC will understand the decision in time. You have to trust that modelling an unhealthy relationship would damage them more. No one can guarantee it will work out but that's being an adult, isn't it? We make a choice and trust it's the right one.
(But that's exactly what abusive relationships destroy: our confidence. I left my marriage second guessing absolutely every decision or thought I had. Perhaps that's what happening to you. It will pass.)

It's early days OP.

The dcs will settle, you will start to see the benefits soon. You have NOT made a mistake.

It's new and unsettling. Emotions are going to be raw. Everything is tough as you all try to find your routine again and navigate what your family looks like now.

Your children need someone to blame and right now, you're the easy one. In time they will hopefully realise that what you did was strong and brave and tough.

Your children will know it wont have been a good marriage. They'll have picked up on it. They might not understand it yet but you've shown them that they dont have to put up with things they don't like and that they deserve to have relationships that make them happy. That's a really positive thing.

Remember what the reasons for leaving are.

Try and stay civil with your ex to lesson the blow.

Good luck.

Its hard

How old are the children?

Because you should not let them think that the marriage break up was your fault because you were the one to leave. I don’t mean bad mouth ex - although I am not against factual responses - but just point out one of you needed to make the decision to change things

Obviously how and what you say depends on their ages.

You have the time to build up your job/career, look after yourself and invest in friendships.

Don’t look back you are showing the kids that it’s not inevitable to stay in a toxic relationship- they might be cross with you just now probably influenced by the ex - but they will understand

Leaving/divorcing is very hard, but it is worth it. Think about the rest of your children's lives - they won't have to live in an unhappy abusive home, which WILL affect them emotionally, developmentally, and in relationships for the rest of their lives. You've done the right thing.

The process isn't easy - but that's like saying losing weight to become healthy isn't worth it because the process is harder than staying the same.

The first year after my break up was really rough for me and the kids but it does get better. Im 3yrs out now and honestly can't believe I didn't leave him sooner. Things will calm down. You and the children will settle into the new normal. And you will feel that happiness and relief.

Can I ask if someone else helped you decide to leave?

Children are not resilient, they suffer from a broken family.

People should accept that some are unsuited to marriage.

It gets better OP.

you’re adapting to a new normal and that takes time. I called time on my marriage 3 years ago and outwardly I gave up a very comfortable life.

inwardly I was miserable, bone achingly lonely and frustrated at my life, so I tried and tried until I couldn’t anymore and it was the absolute right decision.

im a single parent now to my young DC and have a 50:50 parenting plan with my ex- husband. I miss my children terribly when they’re with their father but I feel I’m a much more present and balanced mother now when they’re are with me. I’m no longer miserable, angry and frustrated at being a lone married parent.

I left so I could be the mother they deserved.

Having been where the OP is I would agree. I left and wish I hadn't. Like OP we could have good times, but in general it wasn't great. However, the struggle I put Dd through by leaving could have been avoided. Also financially I have started from scratch due to nothing being left after divorce. I'll never be in the same position financially now due to health problems. If I'd stayed we may have now been quite comfortable. However hindsight is a great thing. At the time it seemed the right thing to do. Now I'm friends with my ex, but we can never go back to bring a couple.

Your words 'when it was bad it was very bad' and the fact his behaviours were appalling makes it v clear you didn't make a mistake. This is not to say I don't think sometimes people are a bit too hasty - just that it's clear you weren't.

This is an adjustment period so it's bound to be difficult - that's the nature of divorce.

Please don't try again, it won't work and a second separation really will mess the kids up.

The kids are allowed to be angry, it doesn't mean you made a bad decision - it does mean you need to allow them their emotions (while expecting reasonable behavior) while supporting them, with external help if needed. They may always be sad about it, but that's life - the anger will pass.

Use the time you aren't with them to build up a life and a support network, actively doing that will help you settle quicker.

It will get better.

this is the hardest time for you and you’re only remembering the good bits of being together

write a list of 10 reasons you split and keep referring to it

I know it’s a lot to do with the fact that my finances are fine, but I absolutely love living with just me and the girls, as do they now. Our house is only full of joy, happiness and comfort. It’s home.

OP, my ex was abusive and actually violent towards me, yet there were times when going through the divorce (which he made as difficult and protracted as possible) that I did question myself. Now I’m many years on the other side, with a wonderful DH and very happy - my life is so much better than it would have been had I stayed. I would agree that there’s no such thing as an ideal divorce, and I have always felt guilty about the DC because I never wanted my own chicks to come from a broken home - but I can’t think you walked out lightly. I’m struck by your line, “If I listed the behaviours from my ex MN would say LTB but life is worse now unfortunately.” - your DH’s behaviour isn’t suddenly going to improve, I’m sad to say, or if it does, it will only be temporary- leopard, spots etc. After I was divorced, I did miss my ex’s family, and family occasions when the DC would all go off to be with them, and there will always be some regrets, but ask yourself, OP, what exactly you would be going back to. Even a palace is a prison if you’re trapped with someone who treats you badly.

It doesn’t sound like it’s worse tbh, just not massively better because this road is also hard. No-one likes change.

Some adults are not suited to be parents or to marry.

I’ve been a lone parent for 15 years. I would not go back, your DC were being taught bad relationship dynamics and you leaving showed them you are not prepared to put up with that. It will be a period of adjustment.
Do you have a CAO in place? If not get one.
Only communicate with the ex on logistics to do with the DC, keep it non emotional and don’t respond to anything else.
You need to knuckle down whilst you go through the adjustments with the DC. It will be fine and the Pros on your list are the things to focus on. The cons or your list will get better as the DC adjust and you start using grey rock on the ex.

This is perfectly normal when a relationship ends and everyone is adjusting to the change. It gets better. I’m many years on and it was the best decision I ever made. DC’s are very happy and settled and exH is a much better parent and person than he was when we were together. That would never have happened if I’d stayed. We’d all still be miserable and I’d have damaged my kids even more by subjecting them to living in an awful environment for longer. Stay strong and keep going, you’ve made the right decision.

Don't go back. Your ex sounds a nightmare and will only get worse. Did you leave the children with him?

I am at a similar point to you OP.
Living together separated, DD7 doesn't know yet (so not dealing with the fallout of that at the moment but utterly dreading it).
Trying to deal with all the conveyancing on my new house alone and with discretion so as not to upset/ offend STBxH.

I had counselling to get past the 'easier just to stay and suck it up' hurdle. I think sometimes at the moment things feel better than they have been for a long time but that is because there is light at the end of the tunnel for me so i can shrug every annoyance (and there are many) off with saying to myself 'well this is why I'm divorcing him'.

Is there any way you can work towards a more peaceful and amicable co parenting relationship with your ex. I found the book 'Consciously uncoupling' really helpful and thought provoking (by Katherine woodward thomas who coined the phrase which was then turned into a nausea inducing cliché by Gwyneth paltrow).

Is there any way ex will go into some type of anger management therapy so that communication between you both is kind? For the sake of a sustainably happy childhood for your children even though they have divorced parents..
Can you employ a mediator to discuss that?