To think that it’s sometimes better to stay in a bad marriage?

It’s not necessarily the case that everybody suffers.

I was the child in this situation and benefitted immensely from no longer living in a household witnessing a toxic relationship.

Put your big girl pants on. You're a fucking goddess. Perfect words. Of course it's shit he has them half the time. No words of advice on that. But from experience life is immeasuably better once you are through the worst. Living with domestic abuse is to live in hell and you aren't there anymore. Keep strong, keep hopeful.

I totally agree. I’m also so much poorer being divorced (13 years now). Had we stayed married, we could have retired by now!

I agree with the poster that said unless it’s an abusive marriage, divorce is rarely a positive for kids. Single parenting is hard. Very hard.

Something that doesn't get talked about much is that It takes time to get over a relationship, even a soul destroying abusive nightmare. There is a period of what seems like confusing and misplaced grieving for the old life. It doesn't make sense and took me a long time to feel ok and appreciate that I was much better off.

We favour familiarity. Sometimes we make bad things familiar - abusive relationships, addictions etc. It's odd but you have to break the pattern and keep it broken until your new life becomes the familiar pattern.

We know objectively that bad relationships destroy us. It's very confusing that we feel better with them than without them. It's a biological process. I won't write an essay. It's related to dopamine and the role it plays in making it so hard to leave an abuser and stay away.

OP stay away from him. Accept you will grieve for the relationship, no matter how crazy it seems. Accept this is a necessary phase to push through. Accept that it hurts now and that's normal. Believe you will get through. You might not know how you'll get there but you will I promise.

Focus on the present. Day by day, hour by hour or minute to minute if that's all you can manage. I'm sorry you have little real life support but you can come here to MNs who really do know what you're going through. Although every situation differs, there are broad patterns that we recognise and can advise on.
❤

I wouldn't go back, dealing with him will get easier in time, and once your kids are older you never have to speak to him again. If you go back you'll be stuck with him, and he'll probably treat you even worse to punish you for leaving.

It depends on what you consider a bad marriage to be.

I stayed in my first marriage until our ACs were married, but there was absolutely no abuse etc.

The while thing had just run out of steam. So I left it at 46 and had a very happy second marriage, until DH died. 😊

Kids shouldn’t have to live in a house where two people are on edge and can’t be around each other. What you did was brave and just had to be done. And better your kids are angry now then wondering why mammy and daddy just can’t get along and hoping!

short term shit for long term gain... thats the only way to describe it. life is too short to stay in a terrible marriage / relationship!

I think you should listen to the counsellor.
And yes I think it would be confusing for the kids if you go back.
You've come this far. Hang in there x

Its hard now but you've done the right thing. You're showing your kids what is important, treating people.well and doing your best to keep them safe and happy, even when that's hard short term.

Kids know when there is tension even if you think you're hiding it well. Many say they wish their parents had split earlier rather than live with that.

And is that the example you want to set them, putting up with a horrible partner? That that's all there is to aspire to? That they should also put up with that behaviour from a partner?

He's giving you a hard time. He punishing you. That's the type of man he is. Don't go back.

There's a saying - If you're going through hell, keep going.

Moving forward is the only way to get through it.

This is brilliant advice. Do exactly this.
Your updates show that you made exactly the right decision.
A lovely home is nice to have but you can make your new home equally as lovely.
It sounds like your children are in their teens. They will adjust to their new norm and as their Mum can you sit them down and have an honest conversation with them about why you had to end your marriage.
It's a very courageous move. Don't let him make you second guess yourself.
Going back would only be beneficial to him.

My exhusbabd was the one to leave. I was devastated even though the marriage was actually awful. In the run up to Christmas he wanted to come back. I took him back. We lived a weird life where he kept his flat but came home to the marital home frequently and played happy families. With hindsight this was the period when his girlfriend had dumped him. We went to marriage guidance. He got tired of playing happy families ( the girlfriend was back) so I had to pick myself and our very confused, very young children off the floor all over again. You've made huge strides Op. Keep going. My life 30 years later is absolutely fantastically fabulous.Being a single parent is bloody hard. It will get better.

Going back wouldn’t help, what’s done is done and now it’s got to be about damage limitation and making the best of it.

Even if you went back with all the assurances that it would be better, it wouldn’t be and you’d have to go through the same heart ache all over again.

I think it is hard to say. Of course, with abusive men - no one should feel they have to stay.

With other problems, I don’t think anyone should feel they have to stay but equally I don’t think it is awful if they do. I think of it as a bit like work to be honest; people stick with dull jobs because the misery caused by not having one at all would be too great. Adults do not-fun things all the time.

I’ve had some hard times with DH and I have thought about leaving although we are in a very good place right now. But overall the misery of being a single parent has always stopped me.

I have one thing that I remind myself off when I look back as a single mother. Then I pat myself on the back and say forwards and upwards.

Life really is different. Some parts suck. Single motherhood is very hard. This week, after not seeing dc since May. He called ds1, then he took all three dc out. Ex refuses to talk to me. Wouldn't confirm if he was coming or what time he would bring the kids back. Ds1 told him he must tell me what time he will return us. Ex tried to wiggle out, but ds1 wouldn't have it. Ex finally said 15:30. Ds1 is 12 years old. Imagine that.

Life is still easier and safer this way. I'm very anxious and counting down to 15:30. He has never harmed the dc physically and they were very happy to see him. It is a calculated risk.

The total amount of worries is less. There is new crap coming my way. But I organise and deal with it my way. Dealing with spiteful ex is hard. Being financially poorer (but having more money than before), is freeing. I decorate my home, how I and my dc want it.

Society sees single mother hood as a bad thing. Children hurt when their parents split up. That is normal. It is something they need help with handling. Have you told their school? I told mine one.

YANBU I expect most of MN to disagree with me, but depending on how bad it was, there is a chance it would be better for the children if you’d stayed. Now they are in the position that they still have to deal with his toxicity but they have to do it alone, without the support of their other parent, and they have to cope with all the shit that comes with a break up and living between two different homes, and the possibility of step parents on top.

What’s best for the children isn’t always the same as what’s best for their parents.

Can you afford to have some counselling?

It's really really important that you don't rush into going back and trying again.

I agree that people need to be aware of the reality of how hard separation is and it's normal to have those wobbles and moments of doubt as to whether you did the right thing.

But you did do it, for good reasons. And went through the worst bit. If you go back and remember how bad it was, will you have the strength to do it again? And flip flopping will be worse for your kids.

It will get better and they will adjust.

I don't think it's ever better to stay in a bad marriage. Maybe a mediocre one, but not a bad one.

Well then it’s no longer a toxic relationship. So not relevant to the thread.

But I would never remain in a toxic relationship nor expose my kids to one.

It takes time to recover from a bad breakup and rebuild. And yes, that time can be harder and more painful than the original bad relationship was. But can you ask yourself honestly that your reasons for leaving were exaggerated? Can you honestly say that your bad relationship would not have impacted your DC and imprinted those bad patterns for their future relationship?

You don't get happiness thrown into your lap when you leave. You have to work, rebuild, take stock. But it's worth it. Think long term. Look back in a couple of years and see how you feel then.

I think if you ever find yourself in this position it's a shitty situation all round.
You stay, you suffer. You leave, everyone suffers.

I'm not saying you should never leave as a result, I'm saying it's a shit situation either way, and I really feel for everyone involved.

What I don't like, is people encouraging you to leave by saying that the kids will be fine, you'll be so much happier etc. That can take years, and can definitely be worth it long term.

Unfortunately though divorce is always hard on children, there's no getting around that.

But if it is possible, you can try to detoxify it. Not if your partner is unwilling to see the problem or resolve it. But I think a lot of broken marriages could have been resolved. And as OP says, being a single mother has its own hardships and genuinely very tough issues to deal with - for both parents and the children.

Each to their own but I would never remain in a toxic relationship nor expose my kids to one